Page 40 of Off Balance

"I shouldn't have let you leave," I repeat. On the long list of things I shouldn't have done, it's the most important right this second.

Cam's voice is so small I barely hear him ask why.

"Because you've been through a lot in the last twelve hours. Because I made it worse."

He sniffles. "How do you figure that?"

I sigh and lean my back against the shower wall. "I didn't think. It's not an excuse for taking advantage of you. There’s no excuse for that, but I didn't even stop to consider you could still be under the influence of?—"

"Dom." A couple inches to the right of where I'm leaning on the shower wall, the door cracks open. I shoot a furtive glance down and see Cam's outstretched hand. It's wet and warm from the shower and fits so perfectly inside mine. Holding his hand, I slide down until I'm sitting with my back to the shower wall. He shifts so he's resting against the opposite side. Our hands remain linked through the open door. He pushes his long fingers between mine, and my chest mimics the squeeze he gives my hand.

"I should be the one reassuring you, not the other way around." I'm not sure which one of us I'm chastising.

"You didn't take advantage of me, Dom. I'm perfectly fine. I woke up a bit disoriented, sure, and I have a bit of a hangover. But I was aware of what I was doing, even if I'd like to pretend otherwise. You didn't do anything wrong."

Even if I'd like to pretend otherwise…

"You regret it."

"You don't?"

"Not for the reasons I should," I admit.

"We can pretend if you want to," he says quietly, breaking a long silence. "We can go back to how it was before."

I turn my head to the side, looking at our linked hands, at the drops of water rolling down his arm.

"Can we though?"

"Maybe we should," he answers.

"Maybe."

I grip his fingers tighter between mine when he tries to pull his hand away. No matter what I say, no matter what I agree to for his sake alone, I know I won't be able to forget what his skin felt like under my hands, my lips. I'm screwed and I know it.

"Tell me all the reasons you should regret it," Cam says. It pulls me from my rapidly spiraling thoughts and gets me back to where I should be.

"Because you're my brother's stepson. Because I'm almost twice your age. Because you deserve better."

He scoffs. I'm not sure at which part.

"What about you?" I ask, needing to hear all the reasons why my lusting after him is terrible for us both.

"Because I don't deserve you. Because I'm with Emile, who, despite his faults, has helped me come so far." He pauses for a moment, then continues. "Because I've done and said a lot of things to purposefully push Dwayne away, and I don't want this to be the thing that finally breaks him. He's a good guy, and I don't want to ruin what happiness my mother has found with him. She's been through too much to deserve me wrecking her life again."

"Again?"

Cam lets out a small huff of sardonic laughter, and this time I let him pull his hand free. My hand is dripping wet and cold outside the warmth of the shower. I stare at the moisture in my palm and imagine I can see where his fingers were linked through mine.

"I haven't been the best son."

"I doubt that."

"No, I'm being honest. I did a lot of stupid shit and made her worry when she had more important things to deal with."

"Of all the times I've heard your mother and my brother talk about you, they've never once mentioned being anything but proud of you. Yes, Dwayne mentioned worrying about you in the beginning, because he was so desperate for you to accept him. But those walls are finally coming down, and I've gotten to witness that myself."

Cam makes a small, barely perceptible sound of surprise. Maybe he doesn't realize just how closely I've paid attention these past weeks. How I've scoured my memory for every scrap of conversation that I can remember where Dwayne so much as mentioned him. I know that he's gone from reckless to standoffish in the time my brother has been with Cora, and I can see the joy in Dwayne's eyes the more Cam warms to him.

---