Page 53 of The Sleight Before Christmas

“Eli,” I summon in fear, and he jerks back and stares over at me, his ice-blue eyes glazed, or ratherblazed.

“Dude, did you get lost in the trees with Serena? Been cleaning the garage, man?” I ask, knowing he’s well aware of our code.

“No, Iwas cleaning!” He insists before making puppy noises at Whitney for more spaghetti. “More, please? Please, baby,please?” Utterly terrified, she dips the fork into the spaghetti and gives him a bite.

“I love you,” he coos, chewing slowly as Whitney looks back at us helplessly before narrowing her eyes. “Which one of you did this?”

Brenden and I immediately lift our palms in innocence as Allen’s deep, vibrating snore reaches us from his recliner. His ears resting on the end table beside him. I can’t help but think the man a genius as Whitney goes fast forward squirrel on our asses as we frantically plead our innocence. When Whitney gets no satisfaction from Brenden and me, she turns back to Eli and cups his jaw.

“Baby, you’re acting really strange. Did youtakesomething? Find something in the medicine cabinet?”

“No, but I feel ...” Eli presses both his hands to his chest. “Different. My heart is beating really fast.” He grabs her palm and presses it to his chest as Whitney starts to panic.

“Eli Welch, you need to tell me right nowexactlywhat you did upstairs.”

“I just told you, I cleaned,” he drops his hands to shovel in another bite of spaghetti, “oh, and I ate some of those gumdrops in Gracie’s purse.”

Ruby instantly makes a beeline for the stairs as I freeze, and Brenden’s eyes float to mine just as the doorbell rings.

My wife is the one to get to the peephole first, our entire world stopping when her fear-filled voice fills the chaotic cabin. “Oh my God, it’s Aunt Gretchen.”

“Gretchen, we weren’t expecting you untiltomorrow,” Ruby greets from downstairs. Their mixed voices easily heard from where we are upstairs in the media room. Both of us perched on the carpet as I sit next to Eli, who’s lying on his back, his legs propped up against the wall, his hand white-knuckling mine. He’s convinced he’s having a heart attack and attempting to get the blood flowing back in the right direction. It took us a full five minutes of scrambling to finally answer the door. Half of which I wrestled Eli to get him upstairs, the other to get him in a comfortable position to have his freak out. Not only is he stoned for the very first time, but he’s also fucking gummy stoned, which has hit him ten times harder.

“It’s just a buzz, buddy,” I assure him as he continually pales to a ghastly white.

“It’s not a buzz, I’m dying. I can feel it coming, and it’s getting dark in here,” he taps his temple and turns to me, his face terror-stricken. I can only imagine the faces of those downstairs dealing with the nightmare that is Allen’s sister. Otherwise known as Wretched Gretchen. Her annual presence always a looming dark fucking cloud and made worse with every visit. Whitney hit the nail on the head when she described her as Ursula the Sea Bitch. She looks almost exactly like her, sans the tentacles. No less formidable than she’s been every single year, Eli has played buffer with her the last three Christmases. However, with this year’s buffer now in my presence, I weigh my luck in dealing with him in this state or being down there to deal with Gretchen and quickly decide I’m better off. Though I do fear for my wife and children.

Whitney decided to stay downstairs and cater to her aunt in an attempt to get her fed and gone.

“Where is Eli?” Gretchen’s voice trails up, and Eli’s eyes bulge in response. Right before my eyes, he breaks out in a sheen of sweat, his upper lip coated as he stares over at me, eyes watering.

“She’s come to drag me to hell.”

“He’s sleeping, Aunt Gretchen,” Whitney answers, “he’s not feeling well.”

“He could, at the very least,” Gretchen counters, “make an attempt togreet me.”

Eli furiously shakes his head as Whitney takes the possibility off the table.

“Could be Covid, so it’s better not to take any chances.

Brilliant sister, no one fucks with that one!

Silence follows,winningsilence until ...

“I have Covid?” Eli says. “Oh, God, this is so bad.” He pounds his feet against the wall, and I palm his calves to stop him.

“No, man, no, stop, you’re good,” I console.

“What was that racket?” Gretchen asks.

“Gretchen, how do you like the cheese ball?” Ruby prompts as I position Eli’s legs down, and he kicks them right back up, shaking his head furiously back and forth while re-gripping my hands.

“Should I tell you my darkest secrets?” He offers, and I instantly open my mouth to stop him and stop myself instead.

Fuck it.

I’m going to hell anyway. I warned Serena I was bad news, and because she didn’t listen, now we’ve bred demons. One of which poisoned him today, and so, it’s only fitting that karma has battered us again. Determined to go down with some dirt on my squeaky-clean bro-in-law, I immediately speak the words of the devil, which is now firmly perched on my shoulder.

---