Page 41 of The Sleight Before Christmas

“Brenden!” Whitney squeals as Brenden glares at the window, muttering, “witches.”

“I’ve got one,” Erin says. “Murderfucker.”

“Peyton,” Whitney giggles, and I frown, palming my face. Parent of the year.

“Here’s one,” Whitney says, “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH about everything.”

“Gracie,” all three say in unison as Brenden and Eli shoot me a sympathetic look.

“Sorry, sis,” Whitney says. “Too soon?”

“Hell no, it’s good to laugh about it. Better than crying,” she says, and I find my smile at that. “Okay, not to bitch,” Serena starts, as my smile disappears because I have a feeling this particular bitch is about me. “But if Thatch ever says “‘here we goagain,’ when I come at him for something important, I’m going toLorena Bobbitthis ass.”

“Who is Lorena Bobbitt?” Erin asks.

A pregnant pause ensues outside as Eli, Brenden, and I physically shudder. The name alone is enough to have every male in population Earth recoiling as they did back in ’93.

“Bless your sweet, saintly soul,” Whitney says. “I don’t know if you can handle such debauchery.”

“I don’t like this,” Brenden utters.

“But in the decade and year of our lord of ninety-something,” Whitney continues, making Eli and I grin, “let’s just say our friend Lorena, in short definition, became the unspoken hero of many a woman because of what she’s notoriously known for.”

The three of us share wary glances as my best friend clears her throat. “You see, dear sister, one sunny summer day—”

“Was it sum-mer?” Serena asks through a hiccup.

“I don’t know,” Whitney says, “hush, you’re messing with the vibe I’m setting.”

“Fine, but I think you should at least know the weather for this story.”

“Do you know it?” Whitney barks.

“No,” hiccup, “but a dark, moonless night and lightning seems appropriate,” Serena adds.

“Fine, sis, it was a dark stormy night, andshut up,” Whitney quips, the only female alive allowed to shush Serena. “Where was I?”

“A dark stormy night, hiccup,” Erin says with a giggle, just as amused by their back and forth.

“Yes, you see, our sister in spirit, Lorena of the Bobbitt, had just discovered her husband wascheating. And in sooo ...” she pauses for theatrical effect as Brenden, Eli, and I tense at what’s coming. “... she bid her time and decided to get even ... and so one night—”

A pause.

“Jesus, Serena, on thedarkest and stormiestnight ever—”

“Thank you,” Serena hiccups.

“Shechopped off his dickwith akitchen knife!” Whitney booms as the three of us jump back.

“No!” Erin gasps.

“YESSSSSSS!” Serena and Whitney say in unison.

“But get this,” Whitney continues, “she took his dick with her when she fled her house and threw it in a field!”

“NO!” Erin bursts before erupting into maniacal laughter.

In response, Brenden raises his arm, simultaneously pulling his sleeve up his forearm to reveal goosebumps spreading like wildfire across his skin. “I’m fucking officially scared,” he says before fixing his glare on Eli.

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