Page 67 of Poison Evidence

She cleared her throat again. “It’s humiliating to discover your entire marriage was a lie from the start. I mean, I know I’m awkward. Geeky. As a woman, everything I do will be based on my looks and not my accomplishments. I know I need to lose fifteen pounds and my laugh is too nasal. And I utterly hate it that in that moment, I went into that awkward, insecure place where I felt ugly and undesirable. I have a fricking genius IQ, and I still went to the same low common denominator where I judged myself on my looks and desirability.

“Jessica was young, beautiful, skinny. Probably better in bed. I mean, he actuallywantedto be with Jessica, otherwise he’d just have sent her on her whiney way. But he laid out his timeline so he could keep fucking her, me, and keep the institute.”

She wanted to jump up and pace, but if she did, she might make a break for the jungle, to escape before hearing Dimitri’s story. This was the price she’d agreed to, and she would pay it.

“When I confronted Patrick, he went there too. Blamed me for his affair. Don’t forget, I still didn’t know what he was. I didn’t know he was an arms dealer. A traitor. At the time, he was the center of my collapsing world. And he said I was too cold. Too obsessed with my work. It was my fault he turned to a twenty-two-year-old twit for entertainment. And yeah, I knew he was full of shit, but at the same time, it’s hard not to hear it, when the man you’re in love with says that to you. Hard not to believe it.”

Dimitri ran a hand over his face. “And when I said…what you thought I meant, you went right there again.”

“Well, yeah. You’re the first man I’ve had sex with since Patrick.”

“I’m sorry.”

She shrugged. “So in the end, I blamed myself for my sham of a marriage and not the asshole who was a lowlife con man. I felt so utterly stupid. Inadequate. And less than a woman.”

“And you were pregnant.”

She swiped away a tear. Dammit, she’d thought she was done crying over Patrick’s betrayal. “Yes.”

He sucked in a breath and held it there. Finally, he let it out in a rush and said, “Did you…?”

“No.” She let out a deep sigh. “No matter who the father was and no matter how mercenary his reasons for providing sperm, Iwantedmy baby.”

“So what happened?”

“It was what’s known as a chemical pregnancy. I took the test early—more than a week before my period was due—and there was just enough hCG in my urine for a positive, meaning the egg was fertilized and implanted, but for whatever reason, it didn’t take. Research indicates up to seventy percent of all conceptions end in miscarriages, which sounds really high, but most women never knew they were ever pregnant. With a chemical pregnancy, usually the period arrives on schedule, as mine did. If we hadn’t been trying to conceive, I’d never have taken that early test, never would have known about the chemical pregnancy.”

“And you wouldn’t have surprised Patrick at the office.”

She stroked her belly. Sometimes she felt as if that phantom pregnancy was still a part of her. But then, it had shaped everything that had come later, so maybe it was.

“At first when I confronted him and Jessica, Patrick pulled the classic ‘she means nothing to me’ right in front of her. My stupid ego… For half a second, there was that gratifying surge, that feeling of being desirable. Being wanted. But I didn’t believe the lie for more than a moment, and then he launched into how it was my fault. I didn’t tell him I believed I was pregnant. I went to a hotel and tried to figure out how I could get him out of my house, life, and the institute all while carrying his child.

“A week later, he was hosting a big political party for my cousin Alec. I’d been crying nonstop. Was utterly humiliated. Later, I wondered if the crying, if the heartbreak made my uterus inhospitable. You know, so the chemical pregnancy was also my fault.” She swiped at another annoying tear.

“I told Alec I had the flu and skipped the party. Late that afternoon, I got my period. That was a shock. I spent the night laughing and crying. Grieving and feeling relieved and then feeling guilty. Basically I was an utter wreck and completely alone. My sister Hazel and I are really close, but she never liked Patrick, and I…I just didn’t need that kind of support. I was too raw. Humiliated at work. Homeless. Babyless.” She glanced around the beach. “I could’ve used an island escape like this one.”

She pushed to her feet. She was through the worst of it and could pace without fleeing now. “The divorce was ugly. I wanted him out of the institute, but there’d been a prenup separating the business from the marriage, so that wasn’t going to happen. He fired Jessica, then she sued for sexual harassment and named me as one of the defendants. Possibly because I’m so unappealing, my husband had to go hunting among the interns. He paid her to make the suit go away—there was a nondisclosure, so I don’t know the details. All I know is he didn’t use a dime of MacLeod-Hill money to pay off his mistress. I think he must’ve used blood money from Syria.” Her breath caught. “I suppose it’s possible he got the money for selling CAM.”

“You could have told the press all this when they hounded you.”

“They already hated me. Why would I want to share my humiliation with them?”

“They might’ve had sympathy for you.”

“Right. Have you noticed how kind the media has been to Hillary Clinton for her husband’s affair? They attacked her sexuality, her brains, her decision to stay with him. If she’d left him, they’d have attacked her for that. Ihadleft my husband. The reason was no one’s business but my own.”

“You still blame yourself,” Dimitri said. “Even knowing your ex is a sociopath, or has Borderline Personality Disorder, you still internalize it.”

She grunted an acknowledgment. “I’m a human and insecure in some areas. What he did tapped into it.”

“For the record, I think you’re the sexiest woman I’ve ever known. And being with you has been by far the best sex I’ve ever had.”

He said it with such sincerity, she couldn’t help but smile. Her ego was easily fed. “I’m supposed to be above these things. To want to be judged by something other than my value as sexual plaything.”

“It’s not wrong to want to be desirable. That’s basic evolution right there.”

“My libido died that day, in Patrick’s office. I didn’t want or even think about sex until you started flaunting your body at the marina.”

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