Page 80 of Fall at Once

A warning bell rang in my head. I was going about this the wrong way. This is not what I had intended to express to her.

“Better?” Her face darkened with unreadable emotion, and I braced myself as I waited for her to continue. “Is this because you’re older than me? Because you’re divorced? Is it because you have kids and I don’t? You think I can’t handle it. Is that it?”

“I—no, that isn’t it. I have a lot of baggage. I have a lot going on that I need to straighten my life out before I can?—”

But she didn’t let me finish. She was incensed, and I couldn’tblame her.

“You listen to me, Cole Sutter.” Her face had turned a vivid crimson while the double whammy of hurt feelings and longing lay naked in her eyes.

I shut my mouth, afraid to say anything more. The way I had expressed myself was terrible.

Maybe it was because I was exhausted. Or perhaps it was because, deep down, I was scared of getting hurt again, so I was subconsciously screwing everything up so I wouldn’t have to tell her my real feelings and put myself at risk.

I was a coward, and even though I was ashamed, I couldn’t stop it.

“Your kids are awesome, and anyone lucky enough to be with you gets to be with them too. And that is a gift. Not a burden, Cole. Any woman who sees them as baggage is someone who doesn’t deserve to be with you, okay?”

“No, that isn’t it,” I bit out. “It’s not you, and it’s not the kids. It’s me. My life is a mess, Madi. And it wouldn’t be fair of me to?—”

“What exactly about your life is so messy, Cole?” Her eyes drilled into mine while my chest felt like it would burst from holding back the words I knew I should be saying. “You have an ex-wife, and she’s a pain in the ass. So what? Your kids are amazing, and they will make anything she has to say worth it.Youwill make it worth it, too. You are not a mess.”

“No, that’s only part of it. I’m not ready for something like this, and maybe you aren’t either. We both just went throughhuge breakups. I think we need time.”

“You don’t know what I’m ready for.” Sudden anger lit up her eyes. “Don’t try to make decisions for me or put words into my mouth.”

“You’re an angel, Madi, and I’m?—”

“You’re a hero, Cole. Why can’t you see what everyone else sees? This whole town adores you. Gigi can’t say enough good things about you. Why don’t you see it?”

“I just don’t, okay?” I shrugged, resigned. “I can’t. My mind doesn’t work that way. Look, maybe we can be together whenever you’re in Cozy Creek to visit Gigi. When you’re here, you can be mine, and I’ll be yours. No strings until we figure out what we want. I won’t be with anyone else, just you. I don’t want anyone else.”

“I’m okay with a slow burn, Cole.” Her eyes gentled. “I’m okay with taking our time, moving slow. But I’m not okay with denying my feelings. I need strings. I’m not okay with not calling this what it is. If you can’t admit you have feelings for me, then I’m going back to Colorado Springs, and I don’t know if I’ll be back at all. I won’t be some kind of glorified booty call for you.”

“That’s not what I want.” I shuddered inwardly at the thought of it. “That’s not what I meant at all.”

“Well, what do you want then? Tell me how you feel. Say it.”

“I can’t because I don’t know?—”

“That’s fine. Let’s stop right here.” She set her coffee down and stood. I stood, too; it was evident to me our talk was coming to an end.

“Madi, I’m sorry, I?—”

She held out a hand, warding off my apology like the words physically hurt her. “Don’t apologize. This really isn’t anyone’s fault. I want too much, and you don’t know what you want, and that’s okay. But one thing I’m never going to do again is beg for attention. For tiny scraps of what I deserve. Never again, Cole.” Her chin lifted defiantly. “I deserve it all. And you do too. I wish you could see that.” Her voice trembled as, for a brief second, she wavered. “Unless I’ve been mistaken about how you feel this entire time—maybe I was delusional. I have been accused of seeing what I want, what isn’t there.”

I took a step toward her, then froze when she stepped away. “Stop, Madi, no. You aren’t mistaken.” I dragged a hand through my hair. “I hate this, okay? I’m frustrated with myself because I’m out of control again. I feel desperate, like I’m holding on too tight. You make me feel things she never did. Things I never knew I was capable of. I’m not ready for any of this, and I’m afraid if I put pressure on it, I’ll fuck it all up.”

“You won’t fuck anything up unless you refuse to try.” Her throat constricted as she swallowed. Her eyes were glassy with unshed tears.

“I can’t. Please understand. I can’t do this right now.”

“Okay, I get it. I should have known better than to push you, and I’m sorry about that. Pushing is wrong too. Please forgive me.”

“No, don’t be sorry. Please, I?—”

I reached out to take her hand, but she drew it back before Icould touch her.

“No. I don’t need any more memories of how it feels to have your hands on me. I spent five years with Ross, but you obliterated those memories in less than three months. I’ll remember you and me forever.”

---