Page 44 of Acedia

I rocked Eadlin gently in my lap, picking up from her lack of chattiness that she must be tired and looking for a soft, quiet place to nap. It was nice to have a specific task to focus on, even if it was just rocking back and forth until Eadlin’s breath evened out and her body was still and relaxed.

Despite what Damen had said about remaining friends, he’d vanished for the past few days, and ithurt. I was second-guessing everything—every decision I’d made, every word I’d said.

Worse, everyone else seemed to have disappeared too.

Meera had briefly stopped in to drop off more clothes and Tilly’s food that Astrid had sourced, but she’d seemed reluctant to talk. Even more than usual. And there had been no more dinners in the dining hall.

It was the worst I’d felt since I’d arrived in the shadow realm. No, since Nana died. Then again, I’d been in a constant state of motion since that morning, and this was the first time I was really still enough to absorb everything that had happened. To just exist and let my mind catch up with all the change I’d experienced.

I kind of wished I was still in motion instead.

“She likes you,” a soft voice said. I was struggling to remember who all the nursery staff were—there were so many, and they all seemed to work different shifts. “It’s Alyndra, by the way.”

“Thank you for reminding me,” I replied sincerely, adjusting my hold on little Eadlin. “How are you?”

“I was going to ask you the same question. Your scent is a little off today.”

I pressed my lips together, suppressing a laugh. Usually, I was the one picking up nonvisual cues. It was an interesting experience being on the other side of it. “I was just reflecting on my journey here. It’s been a busy few weeks.”

“I can imagine,” she said quietly, fussing with something next to me. It sounded like she was picking up toys. “I hope this isn’t too bold of me to say, but I’m always so intrigued by the ex-Hunters who have come here. What must your life have been like to leave everything you’d ever known behind?”

There was sympathy in her voice, and I didn’t feel like I’d earned it. I’d had a roof over my head and food in my belly. The attic had been comfortable, if not a little cold when the heating went out. It could have been worse.

“It really wasn’t that bad,” I hedged.

“Would you have come here if it wasn’t that bad? And chosen to stay? Many more Hunters came here with Astrid originally, but they went back because the adjustment to life here was too much for them to handle.”

I gave that idea some thought. There certainly had been adjustments, but notthatmany. Even over the past few days where I’d felt a little abandoned—a ridiculous thought—I was never truly alone. Whenever I emerged from my room, wanting to go somewhere, immediately there was someone at my side offering to walk me there. Delicious trays of food were delivered three times a day, with a plate of unseasoned meat for Tilly. My room was even cleaned for me, with fresh sheets seeming to appear of their own accord.

Of course, I’d had Nana to help me before, but the guilt of leaning so heavily on her had weighed heavily on me, especially as she’d aged. Life was far easier for me here.

For the others, I imagined the loss of technology had hit them hard. But Nana had done all of the cooking and laundry, and we hadn’t been able to control the thermostat from the attic. There was the television, but hearing so many conversations, being so surrounded by noise and chatter and activity all the time was a more than adequate replacement for passively listening to films.

“So far, every change I’ve had to make has made my life easier, not harder,” I admitted, feeling a little guilty for that fact. Everything had been so smooth sailing for me—I’d even beenproposedto—and yet I didn’t feel like I’d entirely found my feet here.

The process couldn’t have gone any smoother, and I didn’t have anything to complain about. So why wasn’t I content? I remembered Nana saying that I was difficult, and worried that she was right.

“I’m glad to hear it,” Alyndra said cheerfully. “So, we just need to find more Hunters like you, and then they won’t be intimidated by our way of life and leave?”

I laughed, slightly hysterically. More Hunters likeme? No one would want that. I was the very worst example of a Hunter.

“I’m sorry to interrupt,” a new voice said apologetically. “But you’ve received an invitation to have tea with Orabelle.”

I sat quietly, gently adjusting my hold on Eadlin, not wanting to interrupt Alyndra’s conversation.

Alyndra cleared her throat. “Iris, he’s speaking to you.”

“Oh!” My face heated instantly. “Someone wants to have tea withme?”

Alyndra laughed nervously. “Yes. The king’s mother. She’s, um, perhaps a little less friendly than some of the other Shades you’ve encountered so far. But I’m sure she’ll be nice to you,” she added hastily. And unconvincingly. “Yara, is she expecting Iris now?”

“Yes. A member of the Guard is waiting outside to escort you there.”

Alyndra carefully lifted a sleeping Eadlin out of my arms, and I felt a little lost without her warm, comforting weight. Perhaps the naptime cuddles had been for both of us. I stood up, patting the side of my leg so Tilly would follow. “Thank you for letting me visit.”

“Come back any time you like,” Alyndra said, briefly touching my arm. “You’re always welcome here. The children adore you.”

“Thank you,” I whispered, grateful that I had somewhere I could go. Somewhere that I was wanted. I wasn’t sure I was actually adding any value on these visits, or that this was the purpose I’d been looking for, but it was a start.

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