Page 40 of Ira

“Do you want me to get Tallulah? Or Ophelia?” Astrid asked, frowning harder now.

“No.”

“Look, I’m not good at this whole being understanding thing,” Astrid said, frustration etched all over her face. “If it were anyone else, I probably wouldn’t bother trying.”

That wasn’t true, but Astrid was still in denial about being a nice person.

“I want to help, Meera, but I need a little more to go on. And suddenly replacing Jackman isn’t feasible.”

I could replace him myself.

“What?”

I startled, looking at Astrid.

“What did you say?” she said, a little more insistently. “You could replace him yourself?”

Had I said that out loud?

“Yes. I could.” Astrid snorted, and I immediately took it personally. “You don’t think I could do it?”

“I’m not even sure what you’re suggesting—it could be anything ranging from writing a strongly worded letter to actualmurder—but, well, no. You’re not a fighter, Meera. You don’t rock the boat—and that’s awesome. We all love that about you,” she added hastily. “You don’t like Jackman. I get it. And maybe, when things have settled down a bit more after the whole Lochan thing, we can table that for discussion and talk about finding a replacement—”

“Thereisno negotiating with someone that dishonest, Astrid. All of these conversations are pointless if he’s the one we’re dealing with.”

She shrugged uncomfortably. “They’re all dishonest, Meera. It’s not like there’s agoodoption there.”

An oddly helpless feeling washed over me, mixed with a hefty dose of regret. I’d been in a position to do something about Jackman and I’d run away.

That was something I was trying to do less of these days. And yet I still couldn’t force the words out. I wasn’t sure it would make a difference if I could.

“I’m going to go for a walk,” I said stiffly.

“Okay. Yeah, that sounds good. I’ll see you later?”

“Sure,” I replied, already backing away. If Astrid could smell my emotions, I’d be in trouble. As it was, I was keen to get out of the confines of the palace before any Shades scented me and started enquiring after my well-being.

I walked as fast as my legs would carry me without drawing attention to myself, quickly swinging by my new room that I felt so wildly uncomfortable in. I didn’t even know what I was doing, I was operating on autopilot. There was a small purse that I hadn’t used since I’d moved here, and I grabbed it now before pulling my notebook out from under the bed and shoving it inside. I pulled the crossbody strap over my head before tugging my oversized hoodie on top of it, smoothing down the bulkiness as best I could. Out of habit, my feet carried me back towardElverston House, though I veered left rather than right at the last minute, heading for the solitude of the riverbank.

My room in the palace just made me feel so accessible. Anyone and everyone could just walk right up to my door and say hello. Sometimes, they’d even ask if I was free and wanted to hang out. It was my worst nightmare.

Maybe I could move back into Elverston House? Jade sort of seemed to like me. I suspected the ex-Hunters there might understand me better than my own cohort in some ways. Some things were difficult to relate to if you hadn’t lived through them.

You’re not a fighter, Meera. You don’t rock the boat.

What a damning indictment of my character. I didn’t think she’d meant it that way—Astrid generally wasn’t offensive on purpose—but her honesty had exposed a part of me that I hated.

A part of me that knew I justified my spinelessness as calmness. Peacefulness. Friendliness.

Most of the time, it was just cowardice.

“Meera?” I froze for a moment, recognizing Verner’s voice anywhere. “What’s going on? Are you okay?”

“What are you doing here?” I asked, confused. We’d already met for lunch today.

“It’s my day off,” he replied, looking almost a little bashful. “I was just going for a walk and I guess my feet brought me here. Talk to me. What’s going on?”

Everything about myself today had me wanting to crawl out of my own skin. Why couldn’t I be…better? More normal? More capable?

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