Page 30 of Ira

I sighed heavily, tipping my head back against the wood paneling behind me, careful not to catch my horns.

We would work through this eventually. Friends didn’t give up on each other, and I would show Meera that I had no intention of giving up on her.

But until then, I had to pull myself together. I had to decide how to proceed with my family, with my future. I couldn’t put it off forever.

Chapter 10

“Ihate it here,” Rainy complained, decimating a piece of meat with her claws. “I want to go home.”

“Well, you know why you can’t,” Damen said cheerfully, clapping her shoulder on his way up to the high table. “Try not to look so miserable about it.”

While I understood that Theon’s sister had to be exiled here for a while—both for her idiotic actions, and to give Verity some time to recover in peace after her chaotic journey to the human realm—I didn’t quite understand why she was sitting right next to me at dinner.

Rainy didn’t like the ex-Hunters as far as I knew. Then again, she might have some misplaced guilt since Verity had only gotten hurt because of Rainy’s dumb impulsiveness. Maybecomplaining next to me throughout each meal was her version of extending the olive branch.

“Is your mom here today?” I asked, making one valiant attempt at small talk while Tallulah charmed all the male Shades who were sitting at our table with her polite but distant flirting.

“No. I was mean to her yesterday, and she said she would give me a day to myself to think about my actions.”

If Shades could roll their eyes, Rainy would have.

“And did you think about them?”

“Yes. And I think Mother should be more understanding as I’m obviously going through a very difficult time. Everyone isverymad at me, and I can’t help that it makes me angry.”

“Right…” I said slowly, not having the first clue how to respond to that. I definitely wasn’t ready for motherhood. Teenagers—Shade, Hunter, or human—were absolutely terrifying.

Verner would know what to say to her, I thought suddenly. Immediately, I felt as glum as Rainy looked. I’d seen him multiple times from a distance now, but the idea of approaching him made me freeze up in terror. Why was I like this? I was sure other people didn’t have this problem. They probably screwed up and then went and addressed those screwups head on, and everyone moved past them and got on with their lives.

I wanted to be like that. Why couldn’t I be like that?

“I wish I’d never gone to the human realm,” Rainy sighed, pushing her plate away and slumping down with her forearms resting on the table.

“Why did you?”

She cut me an annoyed look. “Because everyone else got to. Obviously. Why should this stupid Hunter-Shade war get in the way of my generation getting to experience the things thatallother Shades got to experience? That’s so unfair.”

Huh. Looking at Rainy, hearing her speak… Suddenly, the idiotic girl I’d been at seventeen seemed a lot more reasonable. Maybe I hadn’t been particularly naïve, or particularly desperate, or particularly shortsighted.

Maybe I’d just been a regular teenager. I’d only been able to conceptualize the world as far as I could see it, never thinking beyond that, always confident that I knew best. And ever since, I’d punished myself for it, thinking that anyone else would have known better. I could let a little of that anger at myself go now.

That kid had been doing her best.

The one next to me probably was too. One day, she’d look back on this moment and shake her head at how worried she’d been about having perfect experiences in the middle of a cold war.

“Why doesn’t Austin ever eat at the palace?” Rainy asked suddenly, giving me an accusatory look. “He’s much more interesting company than you.”

Maybe Rainy was a few years off that epiphany, though.

“Meera!” Ophelia said cheerfully, stopping me in the hallway. “Where are you off to?”

“I thought I might visit Iris.”

I felt nervous at the idea of dropping in on someone I didn’t know unannounced, but I figured Iris had to be more nervous than me. She needed friends, and I was going to do my best to be that person for her.

She’d only arrived from the human realm yesterday, escorted by Soren and Astrid, and accompanied by her guide dog, Tilly. Coming to the shadow realm had been terrifying for me, and I’d been able to physically see what I was walking into. Iris might be the bravest person I’d ever met.

“Oh, good.” Ophelia exhaled. “I was actually going to stop by there later myself, but the Elders have convened a meeting that I can’t miss. I’m glad she’s not going to be sitting by herself all morning.”

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