Page 13 of Ira

“Would you like me to wait here until you’ve gone back inside?” I asked, indicating the vines and branches that hid us from view.

“Is that okay?” she asked guiltily. It was clear that Meera wanted to keep this meeting between the two of us, and I felt oddly bereft about it.

What did you expect, Verner? For her to parade you around the grounds? She doesn’t even know you.

“Yes, of course.”

Meera’s hands flexed at her sides. “I think you’re too nice to be my friend. Or I’m too selfish.”

I frowned. “I don’t think that at all.”

“No, I definitely am. If I was nice, I’d call the others over and introduce you because you’re wonderful, and I’m sure you’d all get along.” She shifted her weight from one foot to the other. “I will do that. Eventually. But maybe I could keep you to myself a little longer?”

Keep me to yourself forever.But I couldn’t say that thought out loud.

“I would like that,” I assured her. “Perhaps I could return here with lunch another time? I’ll bring more ojurac. And something else without meat,” I added hastily.

“Just the ojurac would be amazing,” Meera replied, that faint smile touching her lips again. “It’s surprisingly difficult beinga vegetarian here—better if I handle that side of things myself. Same time tomorrow?”

Hopefully, my surprise didn’t register on my face. I hadn’t expected for her to want to see me again so soon.

“Of course.”

I suspected there wasn’t a single thing this woman could ask of me that I’d be able to deny her.

Chapter 4

Idid my best to avoid attachments.

Attachments were dangerous. Attachments made you vulnerable. They’d been the hardest part about walking away when my life had imploded all those years ago. And while Iwantedfriends here, I’d naively thought that I could have them without getting too emotionally invested in the process. Keep things light—like colleagues, but in slightly weirder circumstances together.

But I could see now that I’d been deluding myself.

Verner was doing his level best to work his way past the multilayered metaphorical fortress I’d built around myself, and he was succeeding.

“Some more cake,” Verner said, handing me one large package this time. “They really should serve it at the palace, it’s the best food in the shadow realm.”

“I couldn’t agree more.”

I gave him my best attempt at a smile—a new thing I’d been trying out recently. It felt weird every time I did it. Did my mouth look right? Why hadn’t I gotten my teeth whitened before I moved to the shadow realm? Maybe I should wear lipstick?

As if he knew I was feeling self-conscious, Verner was suddenly very preoccupied with his own lunch, and I happily tucked into my cake, enjoying simply being in his company. Something about his presence felt very easy, in a way I didn’t experience with most people—or Shades.

Even with the other ex-Hunters, as much as Ilikedthem, I couldn’t help but measure myself against them when I was in their company, and I always came up short. They were just such naturals at making conversation in a way that I couldn’t grasp at all. Astrid and I were probably the most similar in that respect, but she was even more antisocial than I was, so I was stuck comparing myself to engaging, flirtatious, charming,andfunny extroverts.

Why couldn’t I be just one of those things?

I’d settle for funny.

“What have you been doing this morning?” Verner asked.

Making notes, I replied in my head. I didn’t say that out loud though, not even as much as I liked Verner. Or perhaps it wasbecauseI liked him? Detailing all the idiotic—and sometimes terrible—things I’d been involved with felt like a poor reflection on me. I wasn’t even surewhyI was doing it—I had no way of getting it to Adela Cooke now. She probably thought I was dead.

Perhaps it was just for my own peace of mind. A little notebook of regrets that I could use to remind myself how far I’d come. Maybe one day, I’d burn it and set myself free.

“I haven’t really done anything,” I replied instead. “I had breakfast at the palace and walked around Elverston House a bit. I think the royal couple have intentionally given us as much free time as we could possibly want to incentivize us to stay, but I feel a bit directionless.”

I had so muchtimeeach day. Too much time.

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