Page 135 of Unwrapping Deviance

It wasn’t until I was eyeing a sleek, matte black journal thinking Mira can use it to write out her thoughts and feelings that it actually hit me.

It swung at me with such unnecessary force, I dropped the book. It hit the top of my boot and dropped open to a blank page.

The girl behind the counter had hurried out to see if I was okay and I could only stare at her while my brain processed this unfathomable new thing.

Little brat got me.

Sure as shit wasn’t infatuation or lust, or whatever people might think; I was staring at a wall of glittery, pink journals for God sakes.

Am I supposed to tell her?

Would it freak her out if I did?

What if she didn’t feel the same? What if she decided I was actually crazy and had Daniel file a restraining order?

But what if she says it back? Am I even ready to hear it?

Daniel probably did something romantic. Does it matter?

I stood there so long staring at the open journal at my feet, I jumped when the clerk bent down and picked it up for me.

I didn’t get it.

I ran out of that place like I’d committed a crime. Got back in Daniel’s truck and sat there.

As someone who has never had love or been loved, the whole concept terrifies me. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do if she returns the feelings, or what to do if she doesn’t. All my life, I’ve played second to Daniel and that’s okay. I love my brother. But now he has Mira, and she loves him.

Why would she love me?

“The fact that you think I would ever pick you over Daniel...”

Lucy once said something similar. When I asked her why she would leave my bed and get into Daniel’s, if I wasn’t doing enough to satisfy her and she’d scoffed,“You will never be Daniel, Chris. He will always be better.”

Why would Mira pick me when she has Daniel?

Why am I even bothering? At the end of it all, she will pick Daniel and it will crush my heart.

The worst part of it all is the drive back. The long stretch of highway with nothing but my own thoughts telling me to stop being a little bitch and accept my fate. It’s four hours of all my past trauma resurfacing and reminding me I’m not worth being loved.

But I promised her sixty years. I promised her everything. Come hell or high water, my soul belongs to her now until she breaks me.

Idiot.

Fucking idiot.

My spiraling descent into madness is only temporarily halted when I pass ashawarmaplace. I pull in long enough to grab supper even though Daniel got enough groceries the day before to last us a week.

And only because Mira mentioned it was her favorite food.

At the cabin, I gather up my bags and the food and make my way up the uneven path to the door.

“You didn’t check in.”

The disembodied voice from the shadowy corner of the porch nearly sends me out of my skin. I know I made a sound that immediately revoked my man card, but I recover quickly and face the figure crouched in the single rocking chair.

“What the fuck are you doing?” I snap at my brother, until I notice the blankets bundled up in his lap.

“Waiting for your ass to get home,” he mutters, and I notice he’s keeping his voice low. “She was too anxious to sit inside.”

---