Page 86 of Shroom for Improvement

Mash:

You’ll never guess what happened.

Mash:

Hey, why are you ignoring me?

Mash:

Oh, by the way, I slept with Marnie.

Mash:

She’s not speaking to me now.

Mash:

I might be in the shit with work.

Mash:

Sonny, where the fuck are you?

Mash:

I miss you. Why are you breaking up with me? Is it because I cheated on you?

Mash:

I promise I’ll keep it in my pants next time.

Mash:

Come on, man, this isn’t funny anymore. Pls msg me back. I have something to tell you.

I puffed out a breath and fired a text.

Me:

What’s up?

And then I abandoned my phone once again to take a shower. There were two missed calls and another message waiting once I got out. I towel dried, and slipped my PJ bottoms on.

Mash:

Call me on FaeTime as soon as you get this message.

I booted up my laptop and pulled on myWasted Food Makes Great CompostT-shirt. It featured a cartoon of a recycling bin with red-rimmed, shuttered eyes. It was poking its tongue out and making a peace sign with two fingers.

“Sonny! Fucking hell, where have you been? I’ve been trying to reach you all day,” Mash said, the instant his picture loaded onto the screen. He was topless, leaning against a navy padded headboard. I’d been in his flat several times, and that was not his headboard.

“I’ve been busy,” I replied. I ran through everything that had happened that day. Gardening in the allotment, Mrs Ziegler stealing my pee-bale, frotting with Claude in the courtyard, the teacup-magic progress, the meeting with the lawyer and the estate agent, the subsequent disaster of a home tour, dinner, asking Claude to get high with me, asking him if it would be okay to date. “Very busy.”

“That’s great. Really, super interesting. You can tell me more in a minute, but first I have to tell you what happened today. So, I’m at work right, and I just convinced Monty to take on your Thursday afternoon microbiology lecture—”

“For real? Monty? Of all the people at RU who could take my class, you ask Monty? Also, that’s one of your fucking areas of expertise. Why can’t you do it?”

“Monty’s fine, Sonny Boy. He’ll be fine. You gotta trust the process. Anyway, so I just convinced Monty to do your lecture, and there’s a phone call on the system. For you. I said I could answer on your behalf. Guess who it was?”

---