Page 96 of Breakaway

“Want something to drink? Or eat?” Clay looks at me over his shoulder, but I just shake my head. “Okay, let’s show you to your room then. But in case you change your mind, the kitchen is over there.” He points to his right. “Don’t have much in the fridge, but I’m sure you’ll find something.”

“Thanks, Clay.”

We go upstairs, and Clay opens the third door on his left, turning on the lights and stepping inside. I follow him in and sweep my gaze over the bedroom. It’s a big room, beige in color, with expansive windows and dark blue curtains. There’s a queen-size bed, a desk with a chair, a mirror, and a closet. There’s also an en suite bathroom. Simple yet thoughtful. I would’ve done a guest room the same way if I had a house like this.Fuck. What’s wrong with me tonight? A borrowed life in a borrowed place is my destiny. There’s no need for stupid fantasies that I can have something more.

“It’s not much, but I hope you like it.”

“It’s more than you think,” I say, walking to the bed and putting my gym bag on it. “I’ll try to find an apartment as soon as possible so I can be out of your hair?—”

“You can stay as long as you need, Roman.” Clay shrugs. “I actually don’t mind the company. Living alone in a house like this can be…well...”

Lonely.That’s what he wanted to say, and I can relate. It was exactly how I felt in my apartment. Everything was good and all, but something was missing. Until I brought Nevaeh home after finding her at the club. She filled my place with comfort andwarmth…and now I’m running away like a coward because she hurt me.

“Make yourself at home.” Clay saunters to the door, clapping me on the back on his way out. “And Roman?” I turn my head to look at him as he pauses in the doorframe. “If you need to talk, I’m here.”

I nod, my throat closing up, and Clay walks out and closes the door behind him. Alone, I stand unmoving, my arms dangling at my sides. The strong persona I tried to maintain around Nevaeh and Clay is collapsing, and the pain in my chest becomes stronger. It’s hard to breathe fully, hard to think rationally. I’m full of volatile emotions, and I’ve bottled them up and silently hoped that they wouldn’t explode.

Opening the bag, I quickly rummage through the clothes I brought with me. After finding black sweatpants and a white tee, I grab them and go to the bathroom. I put my phone on the bathroom counter, strip naked, and step into the shower, turning on the cold water. Goosebumps rise on my skin, and my hair slowly becomes damp as I raise my face to the water and stand still. The cold is helping me to stop worrying about my feelings, and I desperately need it. I have never hurt like this before because of a girl.

The ringing of my phone snaps me out of my trance. Shivering and with trembling hands, I turn off the water and step out of the shower. Then I dry my hands with a small towel, pick up my phone, and press it to my ear.

“Hey, Mom.” My teeth clatter so hard that I clench my jaw tight.

“Hey,” she sighs. “How are you?”

“I’m okay,” I lie.

“Roma, can you please stop pretending? You’re thousands of kilometers away from me, but I know when you’re not alright. Always,” Mom says. “I woke up this morning to an avalancheof messages from your aunt and cousins. I read the article,Synok?1.”

“Unfortunately, I read it too.” I climb back into the shower stall and sit on the floor, staring in front of me and not seeing anything. “I’m so sorry, Mom. If I’d known Nevaeh was going to reveal everything I told her, I would’ve never opened up to her. She betrayed me just to gain more traction on her little article.”

Mom is silent, and my eyes veil with unwelcome tears. I press my fist to my mouth and wait for my mom to say something. Is she disappointed in me? Does she resent me for being such a pussy that I couldn’t keep my mouth shut?

“I’m glad you opened up to her.” What? “It was killing you inside, Roma, and you didn’t even see it. You were allowing darkness to consume you, keeping everything to yourself. Nevaeh helped you let it out, to let go of some of your grief. Your guilt. Your hate for yourself. She helped you.”

“Mom, did you even read it?”

“I did, and honestly, I couldn’t care less about it. It’s our tragedy. It’s our family’s past. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“People pity me,” I hiss. “I don’t deserve that. They should despise me.”

“Why?”

“What do you mean ‘why’?”

“Why should they despise you? You lost your brother. Your father was terrible to you, but you still?—”

“Because you don’t know what I said to Maks the last time I talked to him. If you did, you would hate me too.”

“I would never hate you, Roma! Stop talking nonsense.”

I laugh bitterly. “That night, he asked me to go with him to see Alisa. He told me he needed me. Do you want to know what I told him, Mom? I laughed in his face and said he would be fine on his own. I was so angry with him for running to see thatgirl that I ignored how miserable he looked. I walked away and went back to party with our friends while my brother climbed into the car with Kirill and fucking died.” The words spill out of my mouth, no longer hidden, and my chest tenses. “That’s what I did, Mom. I betrayed my twin, and I deserve this life.”

“Roma…” Mom mumbles. “Why did you never tell me about this before?”

“Because I knew you’d hate me, just like my father did. And I just…I couldn’t…”

“I could never hate you,” Mom says, her voice cracking. “I can’t. You’re only human, and we all make mistakes. We all say things we don’t mean, believe that we’ve made the right decision and then discover we were wrong. It’s all a part of life.” A sob bolts out of my throat, and I cover my mouth with my palm. “You were an emotional teenager who thought his brother was making a mistake. You wanted the best for Maksim, and you never thought that was Alisa. I finally understand what’s been gnawing at you all these years, but it’s not your fault. Maks didn’t die because of you. Your words didn’t lead him to get into the car. He would’ve gone to see her anyway. It’s not your fault.”

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