Page 70 of Breakaway

He pales. His eyes, which are just like mine, stare at me as if I just slapped him across his face. He sets his jaw hard. “I want to see her.”

“Polnaya huinya?3.” I shake my head. “Why? Alisa’s been using you and her ex for months. She tells you one thing and does the other. There are so many other girls who are more beautiful and way better than her. She’s just worthless?—”

Maks steps into me, grabbing my tee in his fist. “Another word, and I won’t care that you’re my brother.”

I stare at him, anger filling my every pore. “Whatever,” I tell him and break free from his hold. “If you want to be an idiot, be an idiot. I’m done here.”

Turning on my heel, I stalk away from Maksim. Disappointment slips into my veins, and I ball my fists hard. My knuckles are itching to hit something. Or someone. Anything to keep from bottling up these emotions.

“Roma,” my brother calls out to me. I stop in my tracks and wheel around to look at him. “Poydem so mnoy? Pozhaluysta?4.”

I purse my lips in a tight line, my annoyance growing stronger. He’s become such a pussy since they started dating. I hate it. “You’ll be fine.”

My eyes roam over his face, and I notice how tense he looks. How miserable. But I ignore it. I’m too damn furious with him. He’s in charge of his own life, and if he wants to spend it running after a girl who doesn’t give a damn about him, that’s his problem.

Without another word, I walk away. So proud of myself that I’m not like him.

“You know, I really hope you fall in love one day, so you can finally understand how I feel,” Maks yells after me. “And I hope she breaks your fucking heart, because that’s what you deserve.”

I laugh out loud and continue walking toward the club where our friends are. He can say whatever the fuck he wants. I’ll never be like him.

Ever.

The sound of tires screeching brings me back to reality. The black Range Rover to my left is trying to stop the car and avoid hitting mine.Blyat’?5. I step on the gas with all my might, speeding up and avoiding the crash by a hair.

Without stopping or even slowing down, I drive away from this damned intersection. The honking of cars grows more and more distant until I don’t hear anything except the music still booming in my car.

My heart is going crazy, and I can barely breathe.It’s back.The ugly truth of what really happened that night between Maksim and me. Something I’ve tried for seven years to forget, and something that will always be the reason why I can’t let go. The reason I feel guilty for living. The reason I hate myself to the fucking core.

I turned my back on the most important person in my life simply because I didn’t like the girl he loved. Because I didn’t think his feelings were valid and his hurt wasn’t reason enough for me to drop everything and support him. She was just a girl. One I didn’t think was a good match for him. Why bother?

The answer was so obvious, but I was too ignorant to see it then. He needed company, and he asked me to go with him. Maybe he needed support in order to finally put an end to their relationship. I didn’t fucking know what was on his mind, because I left him on his own. I betrayed him, and he turned tothe only person who was always there for both of us. To Kirill. Even if Maks knew how drunk our friend was.

Something hot leaks down my cheek, and I wipe it away with my fingertips. Tears. Fucking tears spill out of my eyes, blurring my vision. I hurriedly park my car, unbuckle my seat belt, and start to bawl. The music drowns out my sobs, my shoulders shaking. I hide my face in my hands and let the tears flow.

Ya trus?6.A coward. I never told my mom about that conversation. No one knows. Not even the fancy therapists I saw. I was too scared Mom would be just like Dad, that she would despise me for what I did once I opened up to her.

And I couldn’t stand another parent hating me…so I started hating myself. For her and me both. Because that’s what I deserve.

Today. Tomorrow. Always.

Broken people carry their problems like a shield, hiding behind their trauma. I know, because that’s who I am.

Day by day, I’ve been mentally destroying myself, until it became my whole personality. My hurt buried itself so deep that even carving into my flesh won’t help to get rid of it. The pain became a routine. And there’s nothing I can do to change it.

Part of me died that night. My heart broke, and it was the loudest sound I’ve ever heard. It still echoes in my head, because I never recovered.

These broken pieces will never heal, and they’ll cut anyone who gets too close. They’re always there, pushing everyone to keep their distance, since it’s safer…

I sit up straight and lower my hands from my face. My eyebrows draw together as I look out the window. With a surprise, I realize that I’m in the parking lot of my apartment building. I didn’t even notice how I got here.

The thought begins to pulsate in my head. My brother’s last words sneak up on me, and I’m unable to stop myself from falling down the rabbit hole.

There’s someone who refuses to back down. Someone who thinks she can fix me. She’s waiting for me at home…and I’m so fucked up.

1 ? ???? — I know

2 ?? — Yes

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