Page 20 of Just Try, Again and Again

Bryce is humming to the tune of the song that’s playing faintly from the radio, making sure he’s not too loud so my dad doesn’t wake up in the backseat. I swatted his hand away when he picked us up at my grandmother’s house in Oxnard, and definitely when it was just the three of us and my father was still awake, but his free hand now rests on my thigh, his caresses gentle and loving.

“I can’t believe you’re already skipping classes. You need to make a good first impression on the professors,” I say in a hushed tone. It feels like this is the right thing to say, but the smile on my face shows my true feelings. The way my heart hammers in my chest, as well. He flew all the way here to the other side of the country, just to pick me and my dad up from the town where my mom used to live and take us to the airport.

Next to me in the driver’s seat, he gives me a weak shrug. “And miss a chance to say goodbye to you?” he asks, his eyesstealing glances at me as he focuses on the road in front of us. “No way in hell. You know better than that.”

This trip has been a roller coaster. I left Japan, taking all the money that I was supposed to use to pay for my college tuition, because I felt like there was nothing for me there anymore—dead mother, negligent father, indifferent brother, and barely any friends. Now I’m leaving America after going on a road trip with my father, finally knowing my maternal grandmother and my mom’s hometown. My heart has never felt so full of love and peace, but now that we’re nearing the airport, there is a small part of my chest that just keeps on tightening.

“I’m going to miss you,” I whisper to him.

“I’m going to miss you more,” he answers, turning his head momentarily to me.

“I don’t think that’s possible.”

“You have no idea.” A ghost of a smile shows up on his perfect face, showcasing his dimples. “Don’t fucking think about it too much, okay? Before you know it, Christmas break is going to roll around and I’ll be flying out to Japan. It’s only three more months.”

“I’m still going to miss you.”Just like I did during the month we spent apart.

“We’ll video chat, and text, and send pictures. I’ll stop sleeping if I have to.” Once we reach a red light, he turns toward me with a grin on his face. Bryce lowers his voice even more to make sure only I can hear what he’s saying. “Are you going to be a good wife?”

I shake my head and mouththe best wife, causing him to chuckle silently next to me.

We are fucking idiots. Out of all of the impulsive things that I have done in my life, marrying him on a whim was probably the stupidest decision on Earth, but I can’t help what I’m feeling inside. I have never felt more alive than I did in that courthousewearing sneakers and a summer dress, sayingI doto a guy in boardshorts, and celebrating by eating shaved ice afterward.

My father opens his eyes and sits up straight the moment Bryce’s rental car comes to a stop, clueless to our conversation.

“We’re here, Mr. Sano,” Bryce tells him while he unbuckles his seatbelt and opens the door.

Bryce is unloading the trunk and taking our luggage out when my dad comes from behind him to help. “Thank you for taking us to the airport, Bryce. It was very generous of you.”

“I would do anything for your daughter.” My father nods in approval hearing his words.

Just like I expected, the queue at the check-in counter is ridiculously long. My father suggests that we grab ourselves and him coffee while he stands in line, and we oblige. I’m pretty sure both of us are ecstatic for a chance to be alone; I’m almost certain my dad knows this.

While Bryce looks at the menu on top of the cash register, I take the time to drink him in for one last time.

Baby blue eyes.

Freckles on face.

Short, blond hair.

Broad shoulders.

Small dimples on his cheeks.

“Haruki, don’t cry, please.” I feel his hands cupping my cheeks before his arms move to envelop me. The barista doesn’t even bat an eye, he’s probably used to people ugly crying under fluorescent light. This is an airport, after all.

I wipe my face, smudging my makeup in the process, and not giving a single care in the world about how I look right now. “I’m so grateful that I met you, Bryce. I love you,” I tell him truthfully. “A part of me is grateful that I patched things up with my dad, but I also feel guilty. If this hadn’t happened, I wouldhave traveled longer and stayed with you here. Now we’re in this limbo.”

He brings his forehead to mine and hugs me even tighter.I will miss this. I will miss everything Bryce-related.“I love you, too, but don’t say that; do you hear me? You have a real chance of fixing your relationship with your dad, and I won’t stand in the way of that. This is all you’ve ever wanted.”

“But what about you?”

“Three months is really not that long, Haruki. And four years really isn’t that long, either. We’ll visit each other every year, and after that, we’re going to be together.”

I can only manage a weak, “Yes.”

“Really, Haruki. Don’t worry about me. With all the studying, the parties going on in college, and visiting you, I probably won’t even feel it and time will just fly by.” No matter how hard I try, I can’t bring myself to stop worrying about him. To the outside world, he seems like an easygoing guy, but I know better. He hangs out with a lot of people and has lots of connections, but he doesn’t let people in easily. I’m afraid he won’t have anyone during moments when his emotions get the best of him.

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