Page 50 of Just Try, Again and Again

The one act I don’t know how to defend.Because Bryce has completely shut down. Ever since my mom died, I just wanted to be loved by my dad. But in this moment, the need to defend the man who adored me with every single cell he had in his body is stronger.

I wipe the tear that falls on my cheeks. Asian children are taught not to talk back to their parents.Be respectful, be obedient, be agreeable. Standing up, I put the last nail in the coffin. After this, it’s a guarantee. When he looks at me, he will only think of me as the black sheep of the family.

“Imarried him withoutyourpermission. It was me,” I say, pointing a finger to my chest. “I chose to do it. I decided for myself what was best at that time. If you want to blame someone, blame me. I apologize that it was not to your liking,but do not punish the man who has only ever tried to make me happy. Either you stop this bizarre chicken fight with Arthur, or I will never forgive you for this.”Be respectful, be obedient, be agreeable.“Please.”

44

Bryce - 32 years old

Saying goodbye to Haruki two days ago was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life, which is funny, because I’ve had many practice runs doing it. I don’t let my mind wander to what she must be thinking right now. I don’t let myself imagine what she’s feeling inside.

“Hey, sis, are you busy right now? I need you to do me a favor. I’m begging.”

“Name the favor and I’ll name the price.” I hear the smile in her voice.

“Can you get me a cuckoo clock from that souvenir shop near Savignyplatz?”

“Bryce,” she draws out my name with a sigh. “What would possess you to need a cuckoo clock?”

“Please just get it. I have around five hours before I have to go to the airport. I’d go there myself, but I don’t really have time. I need to pack a fucking bag to take with me.” I hear her confused grunts on the other line. I don’t blame her, but I don’t have time to explain it to her right now. I’m a man on a mission.

“Bryce, are you okay?” she asks.

“I’ll be home soon. I’ll swing by your place, alright?” Deciding to try and push my luck further, I say to her, “And Lil?”

“Yeah?”

“Can you gift wrap it real nice?”

Lily handsme a rectangle-shaped box covered in beige wrapping paper and tied with a golden ribbon, her eyes questioning me like she’s about to launch an inquisition. On the couch, Nick and Birdie are hyper-focused on playing a game calledCooking Mamaon her Nintendo Switch.

“If you’re trying to win Haruki back, I don’t think she’s a cuckoo clock kind of girl, Bryce,” Lily teases with one hand on her hips.

“Lil, can we go to your room to talk?” I ask, not bothering to explain.

She cocks an eyebrow, but turns on her heel and starts walking toward the hallway. The moment it’s just the two of us, I look Lily in the eye and talk about something that has been gnawing at me for the past ten years. It’s a topic we rarely talk about, mostly because of me, and when we do, it’s almost always immediately nipped in the bud with anI’m sorryorit’s okay. “Why don’t you hate me?”

Lily tilts her head to the side, but then she seems to understand what I’m trying to ask her.Why don’t you hate me for bringing Logan into your life? Why don’t you hate me because I was an idiot in college? Why don’t you hate me for having shitty friends? Why don’t you hate me because I succumbed to peer pressure and you paid for it?A ghost of a smile decorates her face as she lightly squeezes my arm. “Didyou know that when I was in high school, the girls in my class used to have a crush on you? Remember Sienna Livingston? Cameron’s sister? She used to hate my guts because I wouldn’t give her your number when she begged me to. I think she saw you a few times with her brother, and after that, she told the whole grade that my stepbrother was this hot, older college guy who was super rich. Everyone thought you were perfect.”

“I’m mildly disturbed, yet somewhat flattered, that high school girls used to swoon over me, but you’re not really making your point here, Lil.”

“The point I’m trying to make is…” She breaks her sentence with a pitiful glance, taking a seat on the edge of her bed. “Yeah, from the outside, if you look at the situation without a magnifying glass, I could see why you would think I should have hated you for what happened. You were a surface-level, jock, frat boy dude. But Bryce, I know where you come from. I know who you are. Who you were. You didn’t have the easiest life growing up, despite everything you had going on for you.”

“And who was I?”

“I would say you were just someone who wanted to belong. And I know that you have a heart of gold. How can I ever hate you when I know that it took everything you had in you to pull yourself away from Cameron and from Haruki because you wanted to be there for me? And you didn’t tell me about being married to Haruki until years later. If I had known, I wouldn’t have let you.”Lily is going to be great once Birdie becomes a teenager. This shit is great once the sneaking around and the boyfriends start to come.

“I’d do anything for you, you know that. You’re family.”Sometimes blood is not really thicker than water.That’s what Nick said to Birdie once. Our little stitched-up family is a little bizarre, but it’s the living proof of Nick’s word.

“And I’d do anything for you, too, including giving you pep talks when you need one. Bryce, be honest with me. Are you happy?”

“I don’t know.” I brush my bottom lip with my thumb as my other hand rests on Lily’s dresser. “I’m not unhappy. I love my life with you guys, but I was at my happiest with Haruki. It wasn’t because of you, by the way. Everything that went down. I fucked things up with her when I was younger because I was immature and an idiot.” Lily nods in understanding. “I’d like to think that I’m a different person now.”

Lily doesn’t push. She never does. That’s just who she is, thanks to Astrid. We might all already be adults, but our parents shape who we are as people and our upbringing leaves a big imprint in our lives, no matter how much we try to shed them. “Youarea different person,” she says in a soft voice. “And you deserve happiness as much as Birdie and I do. I’m grateful for everything you’ve done for us, Bryce. But it’s your time to be happy now.”

“Thanks for the pep talk, Lil.” My knuckles knock on the wooden top of her dresser. It’s almost time for me to go back to the airport. “And thanks for the cuckoo clock. What’s the price?”

“Your promise that you will push through the difficult conversation with Haruki. If it’s closure that you need, promise me you’ll talk to her properly. If you want her back, promise me you’ll do your best groveling?”

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