Page 48 of Just Try, Again and Again

I was playing our happier times on repeat in my head. I was trying to figure out why we ended up here. “I’ll start. Why do you live in Denmark now?”

This one seems to be a happy story. By the way she smiles and looks up at the ceiling, I can tell she’s pulling out happy memories from her brain. There are a few fine lines near her eyes that weren’t there when she was younger, and I don’t know why, but looking at them makes my mouth move upward and my heart stammer in my chest. She’s still a stunner, but I love how she doesn’t try to hide her natural beauty and imperfections.

“The beach is nice. My best friend is also living there.” She shrugs as she plays with the cup of hot tea in her hands. “I did a second master’s degree and decided to stay. Now I’m waiting to be eligible for permanent residency.”

“Permanent residency, huh?” I ask, cocking an eyebrow. “You like it there?”

“I do. The coastal lines are to die for.”

“You haven’t changed much, then.”

“No, I guess not,” she says, her cheeks blushing. “What about you? You ended up making Berlin your permanent home. I kind of expected it, but it’s still kind of wild that you actually did that.”

“It is, isn’t it?” I tap the table a few times with my fingers. “In fact, I love it so much that I’m applying for German citizenship.”

I never understood why Haruki clung so hard to her Japanese citizenship when the answer to our problem was so easy. She could have just moved while she had the chance. The fact that she never budged upset me more than I had cared to admit. I only realized how hard it was to let go of your identity once I had to take it into consideration myself. Where Lily was happily swapping her passport after she met the time requirement, I just stalled and stalled. Thank fuck the German government changed the law and is now allowing double nationalities for naturalized individuals.

“How did your dad take it?”

The mention of my dad makes me laugh. A genuine laugh that stems from my stomach. She wasn’t there when it all went down. It’s funny to look back at it now. “My dad wasn’t nearly as upset about me staying in Berlin as he was when I told him I got married to you without a prenup.” He was livid about that one. Still is. I think the exact term he used was, “thinking with your dick.”Once Haruki and I both calm down from finding humor in our situation, I brace myself for what’s to come. “Probably not as angry as yours was when he found out, though.” When Haruki doesn’t answer and looks away instead, I tread carefully. “Did he ever forgive you?”

I feel like an ass for even asking her the question, knowing that I brought the chaos her way in the first place, but I have to know. If I want to earn her forgiveness, I have to know what my next move is. Just like when closing a business deal, the pipeline has to be clear before I move forward.

Lucky for me, Haruki answers my question. “Not for a long time, no.” She offers a small smile to go along with her statement. “We finally made up once I was in Denmark. A year ago, maybe?”Four fucking years. Mine took six months before he finally talked to me again.“That’s actually why I’m here. Why I want to finalize it.”

The divorce. Us. She wants to wrap everything up and give the papers to Haruto Sano as a present of redemption.

“I see,” is all I manage to say.

She inhales, exhales, and continues. “Why didn’t you sign the papers, Bryce?”

Crossing my arms over my chest and leaning back on the chair, I decide to tell her the truth. “I didn’t know how to let you go.”I still don’t.Aside from Birdie, Haruki Sano is the only person who was able to make me feel like I could do better. Haruki Sano is also the only woman to ever see me atmy happiest—those months we spent together when we were eighteen. I know I’m a selfish fuck, but it’s not like she hounded me after I refused to sign. She just let it slide. “Why didn’t you push me for it?” I ask, throwing the ball back in her court.

“I didn’t really have the energy,” she answers in a sad tone. “I was processing what happened with my dad. And…I was working out the courage to do it…You’re not the only one who has trouble letting go, you know.”

“God, Haruki.” Her name comes out as my hand reaches for hers, knowing I played a huge part in the trainwreck. I don’t even deserve to touch her. I don’t even deserve to try and win her back. “I’m so fucking sorry. For everything. Every single fucking thing.”

“Although you punching Lorenzo in the face didn’t help, it wasn’t entirely your fault, Bryce,” she says, her eyes sincere. “I’m to blame, as well. I remember you wanting to tell our parents and deal with the consequences when we realized that what we had was more than what we admitted it to be. It was me who didn’t want to. Because of my own stupid fears.”

“We both had a lot of growing up to do,” I say the truth.

“Yeah, we did,” she says before dimming whatever fire for her is still burning inside me. No. She’s pouring water on it. “We were doomed from the start. Weren’t we? We were just two fucked up, immature kids. We never had a chance.”

42

Haruki - 31 years old

Ican tell that what I’m saying is not sitting well with Bryce. He looks at me like I just punched him in the gut. But we need to have this conversation, because this is our last meeting. It has to be. We need to end us once and for all. It’s the only way Bryce and I can move on.Untethered.

Bryce clears his throat, his blue eyes still pinning me to my seat. “Was it all bad for you? The time you spent with me?”

I shake my head as I make sure that the expression on my face shows how I feel. “Bryce, you were one of the best things to happen to me. And I know you, you’re going to kick yourself over us. Don’t. You gave me love. You forced me to grow. You believed in me. We had a lot of bad times, but we also had a lot of good ones.” I force myself not to cry. “When you remember us, I want you to remember the happy memories, because that’s what I do.”

“Yeah?” he asks as his lips form a lopsided smile.I have missed that smile and I’m going to miss that smile. “Are you sure you want to divorce me, then? It sounds like I’m the ultimate package.”

I know the years have changed him. He might have not changed that much physically, but the series of unfortunate events that kept on piling up must have toughened him up and opened his eyes to some of the things he wasn’t aware of in his younger years, living in his Elsham Cove bubble wrap. In another universe, some other version of Haruki would say no, and we would get back together, giving both of us a second chance. But this is real life and I have to deal with the consequences of my actions, and Bryce has to deal with his.

“I do,” I say. The tears start making their appearance and I do nothing to stop them. I don’t care if people can see us. They need to be let out, because this is what people do when they’re mourning—they cry. And I am mourning the loss of my happy ending. “Maybe if I was different. Maybe if I was someone else. I’m sorry, Bryce.” I fidget with the sleeve of my sweater. “This might sound really stupid to you, especially since I’m in my thirties, but the Japanese…we’re really big on family, and we’re really big on trying to make our parents happy. What we did…what I did…it was disrespectful. Even though my father and I are back on speaking terms, he doesn’t look at me the same way. I went home last year and saw how he lit up when my brother and his wife visited him. All of them are at ease with each other. My dad is proud of my brother. He is proud of my brother’s choices. And I want the chance to be able to make him proud, too.”

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