Page 36 of Just Try, Again and Again

“What do you mean?” She tucks in a strand of loose hair and looks away from the camera.

“Look, if you slept with someone else. It’s fine. We’re on a break, remember?”

“No…”It’s worse. “Uh…It’s not that.”

If I didn’t think she could look more confused, I was wrong. “Then what is it, Bryce? What happened?”

“Logan…you were right…about him. I should have stayed away.” Haruki stays silent, but she doesn’t look surprised.Why would she look surprised, Bryce? Honestly. She tried to warn you. She told you to keep your distance.

I start sobbing. Sobbing like a child. I’m a grown-ass man on a beach in the middle of the night bawling my eyes out. If I wasn’t already broken inside, I would be ashamed of myself for being like this.

“Bryce, tell me what’s wrong? Please.”

“He raped Lily.” She’s trying to hide her reaction, but her eyes become glassy and the screen jerks as if she lost control of her grip before finding it again. “Cameron and Logan were at the house, and God, Haruki, I was so fucking stupid. We all did acid and while I was zoned out in the pool house, I saw them go inside, but I didn’t do anything.”

“How do you know he raped her?” Haruki asks.

“Because I heard him tell a bunch of my other asshole college buddies.” I can’t look at the screen and look her in the eyes. Mysocial life has taken a turn for the worse since our break. “And Lily finally told me herself.” I can tell this last bit of information is the last nail in the coffin for her to believe that this nightmare is actually true.

“How is she?”

“Not great.” She just nods. “She hasn’t told anybody but me, Haruki. She’s all alone in her head.” My mind replays the sounds I hear most nights at around this hour. “She pretends like everything is okay, but she always cries and screams herself to sleep at night. I’ve basically moved back into my old house and commute to Radinger every day.” Before she gets a chance to say anything else, knowing that I’m going to lose the courage soon if I don’t tell her now, I force the next few words out. “She’s pregnant.”

“Wha…what is she going to do? Is she going to…is Logan going to?—?”

“I’m not going to let that fucker get close to her. Not again,” I cut her off.

Haruki gives me a look of understanding. I see her fingers move as if she’s trying to touch the screen. Years of video calling her have taught me that this is her trying to touch me and my heart aches at the sight.

I want to touch her, too. I want her hugs. I want her to tell me everything is going to be okay, even though it’s not.

“I don’t know what to do. Tell me what to do, Haruki.”

“Does Lily have anyone supporting her through all this? What about her mom?”

I snort. Most days, that woman doesn’t even care that she has a child. “Lily, uh, she has a boyfriend. But she’s shutting him out for some reason. She’s pretty fucked up right now, Haruki.”

She wipes the tears off her face and sits up straight. “You have to be there for her, Bryce. Whatever she’s going to do, you have to support her and be by her side.”

We both don’t say anything after that, time being filled only with cries, sad glances, and the sound of the waves. Being on this beach, I can’t help but pull the moment we first met in this exact place from my core memory.Was it really only around four years ago?

“Why are you smiling?” Haruki asks, her dark eyes studying me.

“It’s nothing,” I say through my lopsided smile.Everything. “You know, we were supposed to be planning the rest of our lives right now? If I wasn’t such an idiot and would have distanced myself from Logan, and maybe Cameron, as well, we wouldn’t have gone on a break, Lily wouldn’t have gotten raped, and you and I would be planning on what we would be doing after my graduation. In a few months, it would have been you and me for good.”

“Where would we have picked?”

My lips quirk, remembering all of the different cities we Googled just for fun. “Toronto? What about you? What’s your pick?”

Haruki looks down. She’s doing a bad job of hiding her tears from me, but I don’t say anything. When she looks up again, her mouth curves upward. “My dad told me once he’d want you to move to Japan.”

And fuck me, but her words cause a stream of tears and what must be a hysterical chuckle to pour out of me. Sue me. I don’t give a flying shit. I close my eyelids and pinch them, just so that I can feel something other than this pang in my chest. “Bryce the YouTuber, coming to a Japanese city near you. Don’t forget to watch my grocery hauls,” I joke, remembering our conversation all those years ago. It seems like a lifetime ago. I feel like I’ve aged ten years since Lily told me what happened.

“Once you’re ready,” she says slowly after stifling her laugh, trying not to cry even more, “and once everything has settled,come find me, Bryce. But right now, you can’t afford to think about us. You need to focus on Lily. She is your priority.”I know.Haruki shoots me a smile of her own, and the way her eyes don’t extend happiness breaks my heart. “She’s your family, Bryce.”You’re my family, Haruki.

I hate every single thing about this situation, but I also know she’s right. I also promised Lily I would be there for her in every way that matters. Haruki will never hear me say this, and I don’t regret for a second that we got married in Hawaii, but if I hadn’t contacted Logan that day and brought him into our lives, all of this wouldn’t have happened. If I hadn’t introduced Logan to Cameron, maybe he wouldn’t have started getting into harder drugs.Were they the bad influence, or was I the bad influence on Logan? Was I enabling Cam? I need to be better than this. For Lily. For Haruki. Why do they even love me?

As if Haruki can read my mind, she starts speaking out words that soothe the jumbled mess in my head and lift my battered-down spirit. “Be the guy I know you can be, Bryce. Not the party Bryce, not the sulking Bryce, but the Bryce who loves with all his heart.”

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