Page 7 of Having the Time of My Midlife

“Suggestions?” I asked the Immortals who I trusted with my life.

All I got in response was silence until Lura Belle spoke. “Call me crazy, but I’d start with the Higher Power.”

I closed my eyes and wanted to be somewhere else—anywhere else. The best day of my life had taken a seriously messed up turn.

“Bad fuckin’ idea,” Candy Vargo grunted.

“I’d have to agree,” Charlie said tightly.

“You have a better one?” I asked, feeling like I was having an out-of-body experience and watching the scene unfold below.

No one did.

“I’m putting on sweats and tennis shoes,” I announced as I marched up the steps to the porch.

“Because?” Heather asked warily.

“Because my dress is fabulous, and I’m not going to mess it up when I kick the Higher Power’s ass.”

“Ohhhhh shit,” Candy Vargo muttered.

I stopped at the front door, turned around and faced my family and friends. “Who’s with me?”

Gideon stepped forward immediately, followed by the queens and Candy Vargo. Without hesitation, Heather and my other siblings, along with Tory, Charlie, Tim, Zander and Catriona joined the crew.

“What exactly are we going to fuckin’ do?” Candy asked, handing me a toothpick.

I popped it in my mouth and leveled her with a hard gaze. “I have no idea,” I admitted. “But I will tell you this, the Higher Power is gonna rue the day it messed with my wedded bliss.”

My voice sounded sure and strong. The truth was that I was anything but sure and strong. However, I was going to fake it until I made it. It had worked so far. The Higher Power was in for a surprise. A pissed-off bride who happened to be the Angel of Mercy was about to fuck up Its day, the way It had fucked up mine.

I just hoped I would live to the last chapter of my next adventure in one piece. Midlife had turned out to be a ride, both good and bad. I was leaner and meaner due to my job. However, I was still me, and I had plans to live in peace, not pieces.

Anything was possible if I believed. I believed. The Higher Power was about to get a lesson in real faith. If the Higher Power thought it was fun to play life and death games with me, It would lose.

All I wanted was to have the time of my midlife, and that was still my plan. Even if it took me until my last breath to get there.

CHAPTER THREE

The great roomin our home was huge. However, it felt cramped and tiny at the moment. A few of the champagne-colored balloons floated around, reminding me that it was my wedding day. However, it felt like it had occurred weeks ago. The mood was no longer festive. Not only were all the living and breathing people who attended my wedding present but over three hundred ghosts as well. With all the agitated dead chattering and wailing, I couldn’t think straight. The big screen TV, at full volume, was on the game show channel and a rerun ofThe Price Is Rightwith Bob Barker joyously describing the final showcase. While fifty or so of the ghosts were glued to the screen, yelling prices for a boat, golf clubs, and a year’s supply of ham, the rest were zipping around the room in distress, losing arms and legs all over the place. I was pretty sure there was a head rolling around on the floor but decided not to look too closely. Everything could be superglued back on eventually—stress on the wordeventually. There was no time for specter surgery right now. Tim quietly offered bowls filled with unidentifiable substances for our guests to snack on. The thought was lovely. The aroma was not. The only beings excitedto eat Tim’s offerings were my dogs, Donna and Karen. That would end with some gnarly canine gas, but I had bigger problems.

Dirk, Wally, Carl and Fred, aka the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, had called to their horses and saddled up in the kitchen. Candy Vargo let them know in no uncertain terms if the steeds crapped in the house, she would make the queens eat it. Knowing Candy Vargo made good on her threats, they quickly galloped their steeds through the great room and into the yard, taking the front door with them. Candy had instructed them to be on the lookout for anything unusual, but all things considered, unusual had a broad definition for four drag queens sporting sequins, fangs and horns while riding around on huge horses.

Shoving my hands into the pockets of my army-green combat pants so I didn’t accidentally or on purpose electrocute anyone was prudent. The thoughts racing in my mind literally made me dizzy. Taking out my unhinged frustrations on innocent ghosts—no matter how out of control— was a no-no.

The only ghosts not present were the ones who weren’t supposed to be here. Where they’d gone, I had no clue. However, finding them was on the list. Seeing Steve again was unsettling. In a perfect world, my dead husband would have been a guest at my wedding to Gideon. He’d been so happy I’d found someone to love me the way I deserved to be loved. The world was far from perfect. Pinching myself to make sure I was awake, a new bruise on my thigh confirmed that I hadn’t dreamed up what we’d all seen. Luck didn’t seem to be on my side today.

Gideon placed a hand on my shoulder. In my husband’s other arm was our daughter. Shockingly, she was sound asleep. The sight of the two people I loved most in the world quieted a small part of the crazy in my brain. His steady gaze met my wildone. His touch calmed me, but I still felt the need to jump out of my skin.

“Send the ghosts away,” he said. “There’s a glitch and I’m not sure the dead are safe right now.”

“In general, or around me?” I questioned.

He shrugged and shook his head. Well, crap. If the Grim Reaper didn’t have the answer, no one did.

The bottom line was that he was correct about there being a glitch. It was the most rational explanation for the seriously irrational appearance of ghosts who should’ve completed their journeys to the other side. Inhaling deeply, I steeled my courage as I lightly touched Alana Catherine’s precious head to center myself. Freaking out would help no one.

Tamping done the need to scream or do property damage, I cleared my throat, turned off the TV, and glanced up at my transparent guests, who were flying willy-nilly all over the place. “Okay. Listen up,” I announced in my outdoor voice.

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