Page 41 of Having the Time of My Midlife

My daughter failed. So did I. Gram was a firecracker. She was also seriously funny.

Shaking my head, I covertly scanned the crowd of skunks. They did seem to be the audience. I wondered which one of them was the Higher Power… if any. A horrible thought occurred to me. Were we even on the freaking Higher Power’s plane?

“We’re in the right place,” Alana Catherine promised.

Again, I was in disbelief. “Did you just read my mind?”

She smiled. “Nope. Your face. And this is the right plane. I feel it in my gut. It feels familiar.”

Her statement was weirder than Gram’s about Verna Lee Smith’s privates, but I’d have her explain later when we weren’t surrounded by armed and dangerous skunks.

Trying not to think too hard so I didn’t come up with a myriad of reasons why Gram shouldn’t be the warm-up act, I followed my gut. “Go for it, Gram.”

And she did.

“Howdy! Howdy! How we doin’ on this fine day?” she called out waving at the skunks.

Not one skunk made a sound. If anything, they looked more furious.

“Tough crowd,” Gram said with a chuckle. “No worries. Gram is here to tickle your funny bone and put a metaphorical cork in your butts!”

Again, silence. I was stunned to silence as well. I wasn’t sure how threatening them with what basically amounted to a butt plug shoved up their rear ends was going to win them over. That didn’t deter Gram. She was one determined gal.

“Lemme tell you somethin’, ladies and gents,” she said in her outdoor voice. “Hungry coyotes are like hemorrhoids. Pain in the tushy when they come down through the cracks in the hill and always a relief when they go back up the mountain.”

That got a few laughs and a few groans. At least none of them lobbed a grenade at us. It was somewhat of a comfort to know we could get killed on this plane but not die. However, that meant whatever we killed would also come back.

“Try this one on for size,” Gram said, getting into her groove. She’d grabbed a broom lying on the floor and used it as a microphone. “What do you get if you cross a skunk and an elephant?”

No one answered.

“Come on now,” she said. “Ain’t y’all Stinky Petes got a guess?”

The skunks exchanged glances then one raised a paw. I heaved a sigh of relief that there wasn’t a grenade in it.

“You! Over there,” Gram yelled with excitement. “Gimme your best guess, Pepé Le Pew.”

The skunk’s voice was high and squeaky. I had no clue if it was male or female. They all looked exactly the same. “The answer is, I don’t know but you can smell it from miles away.”

“Bingo, Polecat!” Gram shouted.

The crowd chuckled. A few of the skunks put down their grenades and swords to high-five the one who’d provided the answer to the joke.

“Another,” a skunk yelled.

“On it,” Gram assured her fan. “What’s black and white and green?”

The audience leaned forward in anticipation of the answer.

Gram didn’t leave them hanging. “Two skunks fightin’ over a pickle!”

That one got belly laughs. The entire situation was bizarre, but Gram was handling it like a pro. I never would have thought to tell armed-to-the-teeth skunks jokes.

“That’s why all three of us need to be here,” Alana Catherine said.

“My face?” I questioned.

“Your face,” she confirmed.

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