Page 32 of Having the Time of My Midlife

“What’s nuts?” Candy Vargo demanded, standing at the bottom of the stairs with a preening Lura Belle, Dimple and Jolly Sue surrounding her. Mr. Jackson was by Gram’s side.

“Don’t rightly know how it happened,” Jennifer said, offering Candy the wine. The Keeper of Fate took a swig andhanded it back. “But some kind of weird red mist floated into the guest room where I was hanging out and, all of a sudden, I heard Jolly Sue call me a boil-brained moldwarp! It was hilariously terrifying. At first, I wondered if I was wasted, but I’ve only had one bottle today. I need at least three to be drunk. And then…”

“I called her a bawdy, crook-plated hussy,” Dimple announced with pride. “AND SHE HEARD ME!”

I almost choked on my spit. “Can you still hear them?”

Jennifer nodded, thrilled with the strange turn of events. “I can hear them, but I can’t see them.”

“That ain’t the exciting news, though,” Gram said. “Jennifer, tell Daisy what you did for her, you darlin’ little gal!”

“Will do, Gram,” she said with a belly laugh. “It’s a dang good thing I’m goin’ through menopause!”

“I am so confused,” I muttered.

“Join the club, friend,” Tim said with a smile, taking notes on whatever was about to be revealed.

“First things first,” Jennifer said. She turned in a full circle. “Am I sparkling?”

“Sparkling?” I asked.

“Like Edward fromTwilight?” she clarified.

“Umm… no,” I told her.

“Damn,” she muttered with a laugh. “I was hoping I’d sparkle, but whatever. I have bigger news!”

“For the love of the longest fuckin’ lead up I’ve ever heard, get to it,” Candy Vargo grunted.

“Fufufufufufufufufu,” Alana Catherine yelled. “Nonononononono!”

Candy Vargo dove behind the couch to avoid Gram’s ire.

“Ain’t got time to deal with that mess right now,” Gram announced. “But when this is done, Candy Vargo you’re gonna get your backside tanned. You hear me?”

“Yes, ma’am,” she said from under the sofa.

“Can we get back to whatever happened?” Gideon requested.

“Sure thing,” Jennifer told him. “Mr. Jackson and I had a nice conversation. Kind of hard to understand him, but once we got goin’ it was just fine. Sweet man. I totally approve of him courtin’ Gram.”

“Yep,” I said, getting a little frustrated. She was so excited, I didn’t want to rain on her parade, but I had stuff to do and places to go. Not that I wanted to do the stuff or go to the place, but I had to.

“Soooooo,” Jennifer said, trying to waggle her eyebrows and failing. Botox was some strong shit. “He and the others explained that Gram has to ride inside you to get to the Higher Power’s plane. There was some debate as to if she could leave your body when you guys are done kickin’ ass. Well… there’s not a debate anymore!”

“Wait. What?” I asked, terrified for my human buddy. “What did you do?”

Gram was turning delighted flips in the air as Mr. Jackson clapped and lost a hand. Dimple, Jolly Sue and Lura Belle flew at me like bombs out of a cannon. They were all talking at once. I caught the words beslubbering hedge pigs and weedy strumpet. The rest sounded like gibberish.

“QUIET!” Charlie bellowed, putting an abrupt stop to the chaos. He walked to the center of the room and silently indicated that everyone should take a seat. Everyone listened. Charlie had that kind of authority. “Jennifer, I’d like you to be more specific, please.”

She gave Charlie a thumbs up. He smiled and gave her one right back.

“We tested the theory,” Jennifer explained. “Not with Gram, just in case she got stuck in me but with Dimple. That old coot is nuts.”

“Thank you, you bat-fouling, clack-dish imbecile,” Dimple replied with a wide smile. “It was quite enjoyable. I’ve never flown directly into a human before.”

I didn’t want to point out that she’d only been dead for a few days, but Jolly Sue had no problem with it. “Not a big surprise since you’ve only been deceased for four days, you gorbellied, malt-worm, flax-wench,” she told her.

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