Page 26 of Having the Time of My Midlife

“Oh yes!” Dirk chimed in. “Wally had a fabulous uniform and everything! We found an empty house and lived there until some men in blue uniforms made us leave. Thrilling!”

“Those were the days,” Carl recalled fondly. “Wally used to bring home burgers and fries every day! Delish!”

“Anyhoo, darlings,” Wally went on. “I had this manager who was rather obsessed with making people feel small. It was just awful. She called herself Bunbun. I secretly called her Cow Bitch.”

“She was a terrible one,” Dirk chimed in. “Just dreadful.”

“Does this fuckin’ story have a point?” Candy asked.

I supported the question but not the way it was asked.

“Oh yes, honey pie!” Wally assured her. “You see, I also had this adorable friend at work named Lurba who enjoyed the burgers and fries as well. The little gal was poor as a church mouse, hilarious and painted my nails every Tuesday. The job at the burger place was heaven-sent for her. She needed it badly and was a very hard worker.”

“Painted all of our nails,” Carl reminded Wally. “As a token of our appreciation, we procured many trendy trinkets for the lovely Lurba. I cannot confirm or deny that Dirk may or may not have procured a vehicle for Lurba.”

Dirk grinned shamelessly. “I can confirm it!”

I knew what procure meant. The queens had the stickiest fingers of anyone I knew. At the very least, it seemed as if they used their felonious ways for good.

“Luuuuurved her!” Fred said. “Lurba would put teeny tiny rhinestones on my nails.”

“In the shape of an itty-bitty burger!” Carl squealed. “Brilliant!”

The sky was getting darker and stranger… just like this story.

“Sooooooo,” Wally said with tongue click and a snap of his well-manicured fingers. “Bunbun started making fun of Lurba. Told my darling Lurba that she was stupid and so poor that she had a tumbleweed for a pet. Said that she was trailer trash and that she was surprised that the bank hadn’t repossessed the cardboard box Lurba lived in. Just mean.”

“That Bunbun had no room to talk,” Dirk huffed. “The woman looked like a dirty foot.”

I was so confused and speechless. Candy Vargo appeared to be at a loss for words as well.

“Agreed,” Wally said. “Bunbun used to do this when I wasn’t around, but I found dear Lurba crying her eyes out on a two-for-one fry day in the ladies’ loo. It broke my heart. Bunbun walkedin on us and told my little buddy that she was so poor that she couldn’t jump over a nickel to save a dime. I had no clue what that meant… still don’t know what it means, but I knew it was hateful. Then she fired our little Luba, slapped her, took her uniform and tossed her out into the parking lot. That’s when I lost it.”

“Oh my hell,” Candy muttered, getting interested in the story. “Did you kill her? Rip Bunbun’s head off? Shove it up her ass? Throw her into the fryer?”

Wally was horrified. “Of course not. I didn’t want to scare the other workers. I adored all of them, but had a sweet spot for Lurba. I just let Bunbun have it with words.”

“So many words,” Fred said with a thumbs up.

“Like?” I asked. I didn’t want to be invested in the Bunbun and Lurba story since I had kind of a lot going on, but somehow, I was.

“Well, first, I got onto the intercom system so everyone could hear me. I told her that poor people could work their way up, but someone with a face like hers was stuck for life. There’s no fixing butt-assed ugly!” Wally pumped his fists over his head. “Cow Bitch slunk away and never bothered anyone again.”

“Don’t forget you told Cow Bitch that she was so ugly that when she looks in the mirror, her reflection screams and runs away!” Dirk reminded him.

“Oh!” Fred squealed. “You also made Bunbun aware that she was so unfortunate looking that even Hello Kitty said goodbye. The entire joint was cheering.”

Wally continued to pump his fists in victory. I wasn’t sure what the hell was even happening.

“All’s well that ends well,” Wally said, mounting his steed as the other queens followed suit. “We were able to procure a lot of money from a building that stores it, and set our lovely Lurba up with her very own nail salon—Lurba’s Lacquer and Love. Westill hit up the salon when we can get back to Cleveland. I just adore a teeny-tiny rhinestone burger!”

I didn’t want to ask, but I had to… “What happened to Bunbun?”

Dirk giggled. Carl grinned. Fred pointed to Wally. Wally threw his head back and laughed. “Seems that Bunbun got arrested by those nice men in blue uniforms for a bank heist. She’s serving ten to twenty in the Big House,” Wally said with a smirk that made me laugh. “Would you like to know the moral of this tale, sugar lips?”

I nodded. It was most likely something that would matter. “Yes, please.”

“Do. Not. Let. ANYONE fuck with the people you love. Ever,” Wally said then blew me a kiss.

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