Page 11 of Having the Time of My Midlife

“Yes, ma’am,” Candy replied, covering her mouth with her hand to hide the grin that was impossible to hide.

I wasn’t going to win this fight. Every day, I learned that things in our Immortal world rarely happened without reason. If Gram was certain she needed to stay, she needed to stay.

“You win, old lady… and thank you,” I said, smiling at her. “But I think Mr. Jackson should leave.”

“No can do,” Gram told me. “Mr. Jackson is my beau. We’re courtin’ now. Where he goes, I go. And where I go, he goes. We’re both old and dead. We don’t know how much time we have left. My man is as fine as a frog hair split four ways and I don’t want any of them other lady ghosts tryin’ to steal him away.”

Mr. Jackson laughed and wrapped his good arm around Gram. “Nooooooah channnceah ooooof thaaata! Haaappyah asssssss a poossummah eaaaatin sweeeeetah poooootaaaatoes!”

“What the hell did he just say?” Candy asked, squinting at the ghost.

Gram giggled like a school girl. “Mr. Jackson said he’s as happy with me as a possum eatin’ sweet potatoes! That right there just dills my pickles.”

They kissed, and their heads went right through each other’s.

All of this was news to me. My dead grandmother had a dead boyfriend who was missing half of his noggin. Literally. Granted, I adored the old man. He was sweet as could be. If Gram was happy. I was happy for her.

I began to pace the room. The living people left were Gideon, Alana Catherine, Charlie, Candy Vargo, Tim, Jennifer, the four queens outside atop their steeds and me. It was time to get back to the toothpick. Candy was already on it.

“Well, knock me over with a fuckin’ feather,” she muttered, staring at the small piece of wood Jennifer held up for observation. “I’m a little confused.”

“Define confused,” I said, stopping in front of her.

“Welp,” Candy said, scratching her head. “It’s the kind of confused where I’m not real sure if I could find my ass right now even if I stuck my hands in my underpants.”

“I didn’t think you wore underpants,” Tim said.

Gram groaned. Dimple, Lura Belle and Jolly Sue just tssked and fanned their wildly offended selves with their hands. The rest of us… we were used to it. Candy Vargo was so wrong she was right. Underpants or not, she was a badass.

“I don’t wear grundies,” Candy Vargo confirmed, pulling up the back of her dress and mooning us. “I’m just tryin’ to explain how confused I am without saying fuck a bunch of times. I know exactly where my ass is since I slap it on the regular. I just thought the analogy was good.”

“Makes sense,” Tim told her, reaching over and pulling her dress back down.

Looking at the Keeper of Fates butt wasn’t on my bingo card for today, or ever. Knowing that she slapped it on the regularwas something I would need therapy to forget. “Explain what you saw,” I instructed, hoping to avoid any more talk about Candy Vargo’s privates.

Candy examined Jennifer’s toothpick one last time and sighed. “She’s supposed to stay right here.”

That didn’t make any sense. But nothing made all that much sense right now.

“I’m fine with that,” Jennifer said, pulling a bottle of wine out of her bag and uncorking it. “Do you think the Higher Power might sparkle like Edward?”

“Who is Edward?” Charlie asked.

“That cutie vampire fromTwilight,” she replied, pouring herself a glass of white.

“Umm… doubtful,” I told her. Or maybe not. What did I know? Nothing. I knew nothing at the moment. However, there were other things to be discussed.

“What about Alana Catherine?” Gideon asked the question that was about to come out of my mouth. “Her safety is paramount.”

Candy and Charlie walked over to the little gal in question. Charlie’s eyes had gone a strange silver, and his power was evident. The air always grew as thick as molasses when Charlie went warrior on us.

“Tamp that shit back,” Candy said, punching him in the arm. “Most of us like to breathe, jackass.”

Charlie smiled. “Will do.” He gently touched Alana Catherine’s head. “I believe that decision should be made after we have a chat with a few others.”

“Cryptic isn’t gonna work,” I told Charlie. I was over the Immortals speaking in vague hints.

His eyes still glowed, but the expression on his face was kind. “I quite agree, Daisy. I think we should bring in the Bitch Goddess Cecily. She just met with the Higher Power. TheGoddess of the Darkness might have information that would be useful to us.”

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