Page 13 of Having the Time of My Midlife

“Not at all, Daisy,” he assured me as he approached the TV and snapped his fingers.

“I just love it when Charlie gives us a show.” Tim clasped his hands together. “He so rarely does!”

“That’s because giving the past the BlockBuster Video treatment takes a fuckload of magic, and the fucker is useless for a few hours afterward,” Candy Vargo reminded Tim.

“Be kind and rewind a minute,” I said to Charlie, taking the BlockBuster metaphor and running with it. “I don’t want you to harm yourself. I might need you.”

The Enforcer glanced over his shoulder and gave me a kind, fatherly smile. “Daisy, this journey isn’t mine to make, but if you need me, the power drain won’t last long. I’ll be right as rain and back to full power in an hour or two. Besides, this is the clearest and most concise way to get the information you need. Watching what happened when Cecily came up against the Higher Power will be far more productive than trying to piece it together from a game of telephone with our memories. A lot has happened since the meeting, and perception colors the past.”

A lotwas an understatement. The Enforcer was offering a gift of clarity, and I was going to accept. “Thank you, Charlie. Please show us.”

The images on the television were snowy for a moment, but Charlie twirled his fingers, moved his arms like he was signaling a jet to land, and then clapped his hands. Immediately, the picture became crystal clear with Candy Vargo’s mug front and center.

I stared at the television screen as the recent past came to life like an episode ofBig Brother.

“Thank fucking God for that,” on-screen Candy grunted, while standing in the middle of what I recognized as Cecily’s bungalow living room in Venice, California.

On-screen Gideon, Tim, Charlie, and Heather, along with myself, were in the Dark Goddess’s living room along with Cecily’s mom, Lilith, and Cecily’s agent, an Angel named Cher.

“Fascinating,” Tim said, standing behind the couch, ready to take notes. “Charlie, you really are a marvel.”

“Mind-blowing,” I agreed.

The Immortal Enforcer’s shoulders lifted and back straightened at the compliment.

“Anyone got popcorn?” Lura Belle asked, as she and her sisters sat on the loveseat to watch the show.

Gram and Mr. Jackson floated in the air near Charlie’s head, and Gideon stood by me next to the couch. Jennifer hadn’t yet returned with Alanna Catherine, but the baby Death Counselor’s poops could be almost supernaturally toxic, so I assumed she was going through a box of booty wipes.

Leaning forward, I focused on the TV screen.

“I look hot up on that fuckin’ TV,” Candy said. “Right?”

There was only one answer to that question that wouldn’t end in bloodshed. “Very hot,” I agreed. “Now, be quiet and watch.”

“Speaking of,” Cecily said, turning to the assembled group in her home. “Explain to me how the Higher Power isn’t God.”

Neither Cecily nor I were well-versed with the Bible. I remembered being glad she asked the question instead of me. I’d taken far too much crap for not having read the book yet. I half expected someone to make a comment about it right now, but when I glanced around, everyone was glued to the screen.

In this episode ofThis Is My Crazy Midlife, Tim entered Cecily’s cozy living room with one of his casseroles. The DarkGoddess’s eyes grew huge when she caught a whiff, but she had better manners than me and didn’t gag.

In the next scene, everyone was seated, except Gideon and Lilith weren’t there. This was when Gideon, who was Lilith’s brother, had taken the ex-goddess out of the room for a mental health break after Lilith had revealed some past unsavory behavior that had been relevant to Pandora’s path to evil. Her actions hadn’t necessarily been the cause of Pandora turning wicked, but it had definitely been a gateway. The revelation had been a shocker, especially for Cecily.

The rest of us watched with a small amount of horror as the only people who ate Tim’s slop casserole were Candy Vargo and Tim. Everyone else had politely passed.

“While we wait for Gideon and Lilith to come back in, tell me about the Higher Power, please,” Cecily repeated. “Explain to me how It’s different from God.”

On the tv, Candy Vargo pushed her clean plate aside, burped and popped a toothpick into her mouth.

“God’s a human thing,” the Keeper of Fate explained.

“So, the Bible isn’t true?” Cecily asked.

I watched as past-me leaned forward, elbows on the table, as I perked with interest. I remember thinking that the Demon Goddess had read my mind and had asked for answers to the same theological mysteries that had stumped me since my life as the Death Counselor had begun.

“You wanna take this one, Angel?” Candy asked Cher.

Cher was Cecily’s talent agent who happened to be an ancient Angel. The tiny woman was very heavy-handed with the makeup but lovely in an over-the-top way. She and Candy Vargo were friends who went waaaaaaay back.

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