Page 6 of But I'm Still Standing

I finish eating and go to the ensuite bathroom and turn on the shower. The vast white marbled space fills with steam as I open the door to climb in after removing my nightgown. The hot water feels good on my sore shoulders and stiff neck. I don’t sleep much, and when I do it’s not restful sleep. The pillows aren’t as comfortable as mine, and I miss being embraced by strong arms. I miss his voice, his smell, everything that is my Sin. I sit under the water for a bitallowing myself to cry as I do every day. I finish showering and decide I might as well try to look presentable for whoever is coming to see me. I do my best to tame my wild hair and add a little lip gloss and mascara from the vast collection of makeup in the vanity. It’s like a showgirl’s dream. I would appreciate it more if I actually wore makeup.

I make my way into the larger-than-life closet and look at all the clothes that are here specifically for me, grouped by size. There are enough outfits in here to get me and an army of pregnant women through every trimester. I decided on a pair of black leggings and a button-up blue collared shirt with black flats. I sit on the couch in the center of the closet and let out a sigh.

I think about my friends, wondering if they are all okay. Is Cami close to having the baby or has she already had her? Will her aura match the names they have picked, or will they decide to start over? Is Mia having morning sickness or showing a bump of her own yet? I hope Abby and Jill followed through with Cami’s surprise baby shower. I wonder if the girls are helping Sin get baby Kohl’s nursery ready. I hope he painted it green instead of blue, but I don’t care as long as he does it, it will be perfect for him. I start to break down at the thought that I may never get to see his nursery.

I start to cry again, letting my thoughts get away from me again. I allow myself a few minutes and suck it up. I can’t let my emotions control me. I have to be strong for my baby. He is all that matters now, and it can’t be good for him to have his mother crying and hysterical all the time. I don’t want him to feel my heart breaking a little more every day that I’m stuck in here away from Sin. Kohl always starts kicking when I think of his daddy. I giggle when it feels like he’s doing somersaults in my belly.

I go back to the bathroom and remove the mascara I put on earlier, already having ruined it anyway. I look in the mirror and take a deep breath, count to five, and let it out. “You have to keep your cool, don’t let anything set you off. Keep baby Kohl safe.” I realize I’m talking to myself in the mirror again like a crazy person. It’s nodifferent than when I used to give myself pep talks, I just do it more often now. I have to keep myself in check. I repeat the words over and over as I make my way over to the large door and knock on it until I hear the lock click.

I wait a minute and start to get annoyed, “Hello!” I yell, waiting for Max to open the door. Nothing happens, so I knock on the door again, harder this time, and stand back, waiting for someone to open the door. Max said if I opened it again myself that I would be restrained. I’m uncomfortable as it is, I’m not trying to make it worse than it has to be. Part of me knows I’ve given up and I’m letting them win. The part that only cares what happens to her baby is the one that has kept me from throwing everything he brought me at him like I did when I first woke up here. I screamed and broke anything I could at first, trying to just get out of the room. I only made it by him the one time after I hit him on the head with a lamp that was never replaced. There are just more people with guns who will stop me, and I’m sure more beyond them. If they let me come out and go to other rooms, they think I have completely given up.

I know I have to gain trust if I’m ever going to step outside again. I remember how Bash taught me to be. I can be her again if I have to. I can show weakness and watch and learn. The weeks that I’ve been here I have learned patience over everything. I watch as people come and go from my windows. There are more than I could count. I have learned faces that are frequent flyers. That’s what I call them. The only face I haven’t been able to get a glimpse of is a woman with black hair. She comes and goes freely. I wonder if she would be friend or foe.

I stand there for what seems like forever, but I’m sure it’s only a few minutes. Time stands still here, and I know I will go mad if I’m not let out of my cage soon. I startle when the door opens abruptly, Max stopping to look me up and down, as if he is seeing me for the first time.

“You look, lovely.” He says as he extends his hand forme to take it.

I get it, I rarely change from sweats or pajamas and never do anything more than a messy bun with my hair, but I don’t look that different.

I walk slowly to him, placing my hand in his. I swallow the lump in my throat as he raises the back of my hand to his lips, kissing it softly, then lacing his fingers into mine as he guides me out of the door. His hand feels foreign and awkward in mine. I leave it to show that I won’t fight him.

“I knew you would start behaving eventually. I have a surprise after your ultrasound if you keep it up.” He smiles at me as we pass the guards on the stairs walking down a hallway. He stops at the third door down from mine on the left side, opens it up and ushers me in.

It looks similar to every OBGYN office I have ever been to, just more tastefully decorated with everything they would need to deliver when the time comes. They have made this a surgical room. I feel a chill go down my spine at the thought of them cutting my baby out of me and taking him, leaving me for dead.

“Good morning, Savannah. I’m Dr. Kiefer. I’ll be taking care of you for the rest of your pregnancy. Do you have a birth plan that you would like to follow, or have you even thought about that yet?” The at least thirty something bleach blonde, with cute wire framed glasses, dressed to the nines, smiles wide at me, with a glare in her eyes.

“I planned on a water birth at home with my husband delivering our baby. I’m guessing you can at least do the water birth?” I don’t show emotion. I don’t smile or show any kind of hatefulness. I’m neutral. If I show any emotion, I’ll lose it and I can’t do that. I can’t let my baby feel the rage I have deep down in the pit of my existence. Unless I know I can win I have to play by the rules.

“We can absolutely do a water birth. I’m sure we have more than a few guards who would be happy to stand in for your husband to deliver your baby.” Her smile turns a bit sinister. I lower my head, not to allow her to see the rage boiling up. My problem isn’t just my mouth, it’s also my face, it says what I don’t most of the time. I’m trying to hold it together, but everything in me wants to rip out herfucking throat and watch the life drain from her face, while giving her the same sinister smile as she is wearing now.

“Kristina! Do not threaten her. You know the rules. If you can’t treat her, I will get someone else who can. Don’t push me.” Max raises his voice and I watch the power shift between them. She is a pet for sure the way her eyes dart down before her head follows.

“I’m sorry, Mr. De...” Max cuts her off, “Shut the fuck up and do your job. We will discuss this later in my office.”

He turns to me and helps me up on the table. Dr. Bitch waits for him to move away from me, but he doesn’t. I’m stuck between a woman, who is supposed to be a doctor who took an oath to protect people, standing with her head down, and a lunatic who wants to keep me safe. Who am I to him?Who is he in the grand scheme of things?

I finally lower my leggings below my belly and unbutton my shirt, leaving the top two buttoned. “Let’s see my little nugget and y’all can figure out your shit later. I haven’t had one slice of happiness other than those waffles this morning, they were good, anyway, I would like to see my baby. Obviously, you two do too or I wouldn’t be here. Come on get this going, I apparently have someone to meet today.” I choose to be my obnoxious self since seeing the ultrasound machine got me excited.

Max snickers a bit and the good ole doctor gets to work. The jelly she puts on my belly is warm as she glides around with the probe thing. I can’t help the tears that fall as I watch his perfect silhouette appear on the screen. The sound of his heartbeat fills the silence in the room, finally giving me a sense of peace.

“Do you want to know the sex?” she asks, showing a bit of emotion herself.

“It’s a boy.” I say with pride.

“Yeah, I thought you didn’t make it to your appointment to find out the sex?” She gives a bit of information that she more than likely shouldn’t have, looking confused. They have been watching us for a while.

“I didn’t. I just know.” I reply with a smirk.

“I’ll make sure to start interviewing the guys to see who is best suited to deliver a healthy baby boy.” She makes sure to get her point across as she hands me ultrasound photos and I lose it, seeing red. I come up off the table punching her in the face before grabbing her neck, digging my nails in, hoping I rip into her throat and fucking kill her.

Chapter 4

Max

24 Weeks

Fucking Kristina! That bitch has been on my cock for years begging me to fuck her. It’s not set how many women we can have as a Saint. I’ve had several and one that I always keep on hand. She has been busy with me lately after my time with Savvy. Kristina is getting what she deserves. I watch her try to jerk on the wool lined leather cuffs that have her strapped down securely to my bench, after giving her punishment for fucking with Savannah. She has cum dried on her face mixed with a gallon of smeared makeup and tears that continue to fall. I laugh at this stupid bitch, thinking she would enjoy a punishment. She only antagonized my girl because I showed her favor, and she thought a punishment would mean she got to fuck me finally. She wasn’t wrong, exactly. I take another shot straight from the bottle this time thinking of how psychotic Savvy went on her. I think if I had let her, she may have actually ripped her throat out.

---