Page 25 of But I'm Still Standing

“What’s better?” Mia asks.

“Her aura. She is going to be okay.” Cami replies as she looks at her best friend with wonder and happiness.

Chapter 15

Savvy

29 weeks

I’ve been home for four days and I still can’t seem to make my brain believe that it’s real. I wake up at odd hours, always before five a.m. reliving my nightmares in that house. I can still hear Max’s voice telling me I’m his, that this was his world. That I was nothing, and would be nothing as soon as he tired of me, while he kept hitting me with his belt over and over because I wouldn’t say I was grateful or his. The last straw was me screaming at him that I was Christians, and I would always be my husbands. I honestly thought he was never going to stop that night. I prayed that night. I prayed that God would spare my life until my son could be born. I prayed for Sin to find me before the devil himself ended it all. I’m still sore, but the bruises are healing slowly. It’s the scars left behind that no one can see that I’m having a problem with.

I sit in the library at three a.m., looking at the secret door to the caves, willing myself to stay put and not go down there. I sit here planning their deaths as I think about how I wasn’t able to avoid Sin my first night back.

He came into the bathroom, bringing me fresh towels and saw as I was getting into the tub.

Sin dropped the towels on the floor and rushed to the tub as I tried to hurry and get in so the bubbles would hide thecuts and bruises, but I was too slow. He helped me get in, careful not to touch anywhere that had belt marks marring my skin in black and blue, which didn’t leave him much. Tears fell from his eyes as he settled on his knees next to the tub.

“I’m so sorry, angel. Who did this to you?” He cupped my face, trying to make eye contact, but I pulled away.

“Please don’t. I didn’t want you to see. I’m so sorry Christian. Please, I didn’t mean for it to happen. I didn’t want Max, I swear.” I let the tears fall, knowing that I was the one that needed to beg for his forgiveness.

“Savannah!” He sounded gruff and I knew I deserved it. When he cupped my face again, I let him, because his touch was the only thing that could make it all go away. I missed it. I didn’t deserve it, but I needed it. I looked up at him as tears continued to fall.

“Nothing that happened in that house is your fault. You did what you had to do to protect yourself and our son. You are brave and selfless, and you deserved so much better angel, I’m sorry it took me so long to get to you. I will spend every day reminding you how much I love you and how proud of you I am. You got MJ to help, and you made the playlist. It helped me get to you. I wouldn’t have figured it out if it hadn’t been for your playlist and MJ comparing The Originals to my family. You are a badass mom and wife, who I know for a fact I can never live without. I pray I never have too again. You are my covenant, Savvy. I took my oath. You are and will always be my angel, Saint, or no Saint.” Sin got a bit emotional but made me see that he still loved me. He got in the bath with me and was just there.

I told him I wanted to change all the products I use, because they had them all there, and it’s just a bad reminder. We talked, not about everything that happened to me, but about what and who I saw, and what I was made to watch happen to MJ. He never once blamed me. He said he won’t touch me again unless I ask him to. He wants me to come to him when I need to be held or if I want to talk about any of it. He wants to be there for me, but he is terrified of triggering me again,and rightfully so!

He had me get online after our bath and order whatever I wanted to switch over to across the board. He won’t have anything in this house that could serve as a reminder of what happened to me. Except there are things in this house that remind me every second. They are down in the caves, taunting me, that they had the upper hand. That they had the power to break me and succeeded.

“Savvy, what are you doing up. You, okay?” Cami whispers as she sits on the couch closest to my chair, holding my beautiful goddaughter close to her chest.

I look at my best friend and give a sad smile, “Nightmares.” I say softly as I take a sip of my hot chocolate with a ton of marshmallows. The fireplace crackles and pops, getting my attention away from the door leading to the caves.

“I talked to mom this morning and she is dying to come see you. I think she might be able to help. You need to remember you are safe. She just wants to make sure you are up for it.”

“I would love to see Rosie! I’ve missed her so much. I know I’m home and I don’t have to worry now, because I won’t leave this house without Sin for a while, if ever, but I want revenge. On one hand, I want to go down to the caves and ask them all why, then I want to make them suffer, on the other hand, I’m afraid if I face any of them yet I will lose my shit and put distress on Kohl! What do I do Cami?”

“I think maybe I should lay down Morgan so we can go to the kitchen and see if we can find something to make while we talk it out. What do ya say?” She whispers softly giving me a smirk.

“I am craving your coffee and croissants. Let’s go cook and you can let me in on some more of what all happened while I was gone. I know I have been quiet since I’ve been back, but I’m ready to talk. I need my best friend. I can’t promise that I will be able to tell you everything yet, but I need to get it out. I know I need to talk tosomeone about what happened, but I can’t tell Sin. I don’t want to hurt him anymore than he already has been by all of this.”

“Good, I’m glad that you realize that you are bottling up the darkness. Forget the people down in the caves that hurt you. Right now, they don’t matter. Let the motherfuckers wait. I beat the shit out of Jill. I’m just letting her heal so that we can do it again. Come on, I’ll lay her down and meet you in the kitchen.” Cami stands up slowly not to wake Morgan. She is the most precious baby girl. She looks just like her perfect mommy but with her daddy’s blonde hair. She rarely cries and is always smiling.

“Thanks, Cami. Let the motherfuckers wait. Their time is coming.” I whisper loud enough for her to hear as she exits the library. I hear her snicker as she goes down the hall.

I head down to the main kitchen that I have missed so much. This is where we used to cook when we all wanted to eat together, which was most of the time. I have missed it so much. Cami always knows how to help me heal.

I start taking out ingredients and pans that we will need when I about jump out of my skin, startled.

“What are you doing down here all by yourself at this time? Everything okay, or do you just have a craving like me? Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.” Mia comes into the kitchen yawning. She has the cutest little bump now and her and Nick seem to be doing really well. She was so broken at one time, and then, she found a love that even she couldn’t deny.

“Couldn’t sleep, Cami is coming down too. Morgan woke up and she was walking her through the halls when she found me in the library. It’s time for some girl talk. Wanna join us like old times?” I ask her after my heart slows down.

“Oh, yes! Oh my God I have missed this! I’ll go get Abby so that we can all be together, she will be pissed if she misses out.” Mia bounces as she runs out of the kitchen as Cami comes in.

“Well, she is excited.” Cami chuckles as she walks into the kitchen.

“I got a few things out to get started.” I smile wide at Cami, knowing this is exactly what I need. The last year we would all do this from time to time when one or more of us were having a hard time dealing with life. We cook, dance around the kitchen, talk it all out, and eat a ton of food. Before most of us were pregnant, we would have wine or make mimosas and drink while we cooked. I’ve missed my friends.

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