Page 175 of Ice Mechanic

“I… I’ve been thinking about breaking up with Chance,” I tell her.

May looks like she’s short-circuiting. “You—what? Is this because of what Evan said?”

I look down at the comforter.

“April, you can’t let Evan get into your head.”

“It’s not just that. Chance and I were too naïve when he was in Lucky Falls. He was so excited about returning to the league and I was so happy for him. We had all these grand ideas of what long distance dating would look like.”

“This isn’t your first time being apart. He’s been gone before.”

“Yeah, but this is different. His home base isn’t Lucky Falls anymore. He’s not coming home to…”

“To you?”

I chew on my bottom lip.

My sister sets a comforting hand on mine. “I’m sure he had a good reason for not answering our calls when you were in the hospital.”

“Yeah,” I mutter. “He said he didn’t get the messages.”

“That’s weird, but… I mean, do you believe him?”

I nod slowly.

“So what’s the problem? You guys aregoodtogether, April,” my sister says. “This isn’t enough to tear you apart, is it?”

I bob my head pitifully.

May leans forward. “Do you know how hard it is to find an upstanding guy like Chance. He takes care of and appreciates you, doesn’t he?”

“He does,” I whisper. “When he’s here.”

“Okay, but don’t you think the distance is a small price to pay? And it’s not like it’s forever. He’ll retire from hockey someday.”

“And in the meantime, I just… wait?”

“I mean… do you not want to wait for him?”

“That’s the thing, May.” My voice trembles and I feel tears pressing in the back of my throat. “I… I don’t recognize myself anymore. It’s, like, I need him.”

May inhales sharply.

“I’ve always been independent. I’ve always done my own thing. There has never been a time in my life where I felt discontent with being alone. But then I met Chance. He showed me what it feels like to be loved and then he left.” The tear does slip down now. “And I went back to my life. I went back to the garage, my career, dad. And something felt missing. I wasn’t content with just being alone anymore. I wanted someone beside me. I wantedhim.”

My sister’s eyes shuffle between mine, shocked. “I’ve ever seen you like this.”

“It’s ridiculous. It’s embarrassing. Even when I was dating my ex, I still loved being alone. I think that’s one of the reasons Chance fell for me. He believed I could handle having only the crumbs of him.”

“The crumbs? Is that what it feels like you’re getting?”

“No. I mean, not exactly. Maybe this is the monoxide talking.” I shake my head. “I know what I signed up for, May. I know hockey will always take him away from me. I just… it scares me that I feel so upset by that. It scares me that I want to be selfish, that I want to be greedy, that I want all of him.”

The truth hits me and I double over.

“I don’t want to share Chance with anyone. And I don’t want to share Chance with hockey. I know that’s unfair to him. It’s so unfair, May. I want him to be happy.” My heart twists painfully. “I want him to live his dreams so badly, and I want to be by his side through it all. But I’m not the woman that he thought I was. I’ve changed. Soon, that resentment for hockey is going to take over me. And that’s not fair to him.”

“Oh April.” May wraps her arms around me and gives me a long hug.

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