Page 146 of Oh, Flutz!

“Oh my god, Katya, look who you’re talking to.” I snort. “I’m the human in most need of therapy in the state of New York. And that’s saying a lot, considering there’s a ton of people who’ve got it way worse, so it just goes to show how terrible my coping mechanisms are.”

That gets another laugh out of her, and I smile. “Glad to see my mommy and daddy issues are so entertaining, sunshine.”

“Shut up,” she mumbles, but she’s still smiling back.

“You get what I’m saying. I’m messed up, too. Don’t forget it. And I’m gonna have to work on it, and so are you. But if you’re permanently screwed and unlovable, then so am I.” All over again, I wonder what I ever did to deserve any of this. Wonder how any of this ever happened to me, after I thought I’d never be able to ever really be fully happy again.

I brush messy curls out of her face so I can see her better. I’m pretty sure I’m smiling like a dumbass again. She makes me stupid, I swear. “I guess that’s why we’re so damn good together,” I add, and she shoves me playfully.

“You’re ridiculous.”

“Yeah, but it’s funny. And still true.”

Katya sighs. “Move.” Then she lays back down next to me, resting her head on my shoulder.

“Thank you,” she whispers, and I close my eyes, pressing a kiss to her head.

“Thankyou.”

Chapter Fifty-One

KATYA

The next day, themedic clears me for the free skate, and soon enough it’s time for us to go on for warmup.

“Your leg okay?” Bryan asks as we turn to smile and wave at the audience along with the rest of our group.

I look up at him. He doesn’t see me do it, and I can tell from the look on his face he’s running through the million ways this could go wrong. But he hasn’t dropped my hand, hasn’t tried to get me to back out.

People used to see me jumping all those combinations and how I shrugged off the shit-talking and say I was fearless. But it wasn’t true. I was afraid. I just covered it up well, and no one ever asked me if I wasn’t. Now, though, I think I’m not. I think there’s something about my partner, and don’t ask me why, but he makes me feel indestructible. I know that he’ll catch me if I fall. He always has.

“Yes, it’s okay,” I finally say, after we circle back to the front so they can announce the start of warm-up. “I think we’re good.”

I land double-footed on the throw. He valiantly tries to keep me spinning in the death spiral, but got stuck directly on top of a rut in the ice and has to bail early. Overall, it’s not all that bad, no falls, no major deductions, but we missed out on a lot of points after my leg bailed on me in the short program.

“Third,” I say, with some finality.

I’m not totally sure how to feel about it, and I don’t know how to feel aboutnotknowing how to feel. Shouldn’t I be angry? Shouldn’t I be upset at myself, at him, for not being good enough?

“Third,” Bryan repeats, then he looks down at me, a puzzled look on his face, like he doesn’t know either. “Huh.”

“I think…” I trail off, meet his eyes. “I think I’m okay with that.”

He squeezes my hand. “I think I am, too.”

LAKE PLACID, NEW YORK

“AND…DONE!” Juliet crows triumphantly, turning the chair around.

I stare back at my reflection in the mirror. “Wow.”

“Wow is right,” Nina says, reaching and flipping my hair out over my shoulders. “You look amazing. It’s so unfair.”

I laugh, fingering the ends of it, trying to soak in the different girl looking back at me. I feel…different, but not. I feel like me.Take that, Tatyana.

“Oh my god, he’s coming,” Nina says excitedly, hopping forward to hide me just as Bryan walks in.

“Um…what’s goin’ on?” I can hear him ask, clearly confused as to why there are three extremely giggly girls staring at him, one of whom is hidden behind the others.

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