Page 120 of Oh, Flutz!

“Were you even going totellme?” he demands. “Or were you just going to leave?”

“Of course not—"

“Your flight’s tomorrow morning. When were you gonna tell me? On the way to the fucking airport?”

I could say that I’ve been looking for the right time. That the plans weren’t even finalized until Mikhail sent me the updated tickets with Tatyana copied. That I didn’t know how to tell him.

But that would be lying. Because I didn't want to. I didn’t want it to be true. So I say the only thing that I can think of, trying to stay breathing. “Listen, we—you can still do this. You won’t have any trouble finding another partner—”

“Don’t you dare. Don’t youdare.” He’s practically spitting, and he walks over close enough that I can see just how red his face is. How red his eyes are. “Tell me why, Katya. Give me one real reason, and I won’t try to stop you.”

I shake my head, trying to calm myself, because I might actually start hyperventilating between the screaming in my head and the look on Bryan’s face like he’s about to crumble.

I haven’t felt like this since after the skate last year that changed my life, the one that led me to this moment; not this panicked, this terrified of something I couldn’t name. My lungs are seizing. My heart keeps stuttering in my chest.

“Is it—is it my fault?” he asks finally, voice cracking. “Because, I mean, I know I’m nothing compared to you, when you skate no one can take their eyes off you. But I’m trying, I swear. I swear I’m trying; I know it's not a lot, but I’m giving everything I have. I know it’s not enough. I know you can replace me, I know you don’t—I’m notstupid, Katya, I know you don’t need me. But have you ever considered that maybe I need you?”

I’m not breathing. “It’s not your fault. It could never be your fault.”

He shakes his head, tears flooding. “Thenwhy?”

Because you believe too much in me.“I have to go back.”

“No.” He shakes his head again, wiping his face. “No, I won’t let you. I won’t let you go, not like this. I won’t let you do this.”

“I have to,” I say, voice breaking.

“No you don’t. You’re here now, with me, with Lian and Alex and Nina and all of us. You’re a pairs skater now. This is your home now. I thought you said we were family!”

I can’t get air in; I can’t get words out. “It’s not that simple,” I choke, and he shakes his head violently.

“No.Fuckthat. Of course it’s simple. You’re running away.”

“I have to go back. They understand me. Theymademe,” I sob.

“And I don’t? I don’t understand you?” he yells. Bryan turns away, burying his face in his hands.

When he finally turns back, he stares at me, eyes empty. “Oliver was right,” he says, voice quiet and hoarse. “You really just can’t help yourself.”

“Yasha—"

“The worst part is, is I knew this would happen. I just knew it. You were waiting for this, for them to want you back, so you could throw me away like a piece of trash.Win at all costs, huh?”

“No, no, Bryan, you know I—”

“You what?” he bites. “What? I want you to say it.”

I can’t say it. I can’t let it be true. I just let out sobs instead of saying anything.

“Oh my god,” he says, like he’s disgusted with me. Or maybe with himself. Like he didn’t think I was going to prove everyone right, prove myself right. Like he thought I was better than I really am.

Do something!My head is screaming at me.Say something! Fix this!

But then he looks back up at me, and he doesn’t look angry anymore. He looks like a terrified little boy. He steps closer, taking my hand, drawing the other one up to my face, cupping my cheek, eyes wide and searching, looking for anything, any kind of sign. “Don’t leave me alone,” he says, and he’s begging. “Please. Please don’t. Come on. I need you, Katya, please don’t leave me, not like this.”

It’s too much. I pry my hands away, even though my heart rips in half when I watch the light in his eyes go out.

“I’m not who you think I am,” I say, tears streaking down my face. He just looks at me, and it’s almost a relief when he finally walks away.

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