Page 3 of Oh, Flutz!

I can’t think about it. Otherwise, I’m never going to stop.

“Bryan.Bryan.”

“Huh? Oh.” I grab the bottle of water and the stuffed animal someone handed me, getting up to follow her away from the kiss-and-cry.

Lian doesn’t ask me why I’m so zoned out. I’m pretty sure she wants me to be scared right now.

I’m fucking scared.The thought spikes through me, and I swallow the nausea that sweeps my stomach as we trudge through the crush of people and out of the arena.

“Lee, I—” I start, trying to not puke everywhere, but she stops walking, turning to face me and putting a hand up.

“No. Stop.I know you don’t need me to tell you, which is good, because you really should be losing your shit right now.” Her lips are drawn in a thin line as she rubs her forehead. “You have no idea how many people I have breathing down my neck right now, Bryan.”

“I know.”

Lian scoffs and keeps walking, her long black ponytail bouncing aggressively against her puffer coat. “No, actually, I don’t think you do. Otherwise you wouldn’t be skating like this. God, kid, what evenwasthat?”

“I know,” I say again, louder, and it doesn’t escape me that I seem to be having the same fucking conversation over and over again. I clench my fists tight, and the water bottle crunches.

“You gave up! You could’ve bounced back, but you gave up. Come on,Bryan! You’re better than this, and you know it.”

“Except I’mnot!”I can’t keep it in. The anger’s burning, and a harsh laugh escapes me. “Lee, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve been slipping lower and lower every year. So I don’t know why you and Juliet and everyone keep saying that. I’m not just going to magically skyrocket back to the top of the podium.”

“Except you have to. You don’t have a choice.”

I roll my eyes, itching with desperation to move on.Please, anything else, I’ll talk about anything else.“I’m fifth, Lian, I’ll make it to the second half. It’s fine. It’s one bad skate, and I always do better in the free anyway. Can’t we just—”

“It’s not fine, Bryan. And it wasn’t just one skate.” She pauses. “Chris Heffner called me after you tripped getting out of that triple Axel. He told me they’re not putting you down for the pool.”

And right then, my brain stops working. “What?”

There’s no way I just heard that right. There’s no way.

Lian sighs. “He says…the committee’s been looking at your scores, and they don’t think it’s a good idea to keep you in the running this year. There’s a lot of new material for them to work with now that some of the junior level kids are old enough. Apparently Gordon what’s-his-face has been sticking some more huge quads, so they’re itching to get him out there while he’s still hot.”

I can’t help but flinch at the mention of Gordon Brewer, whose scrawny, baby-faced ass has been haunting my nightmares since I made the mistake of watching his phenomenal performance at Junior Worlds back in spring. I couldn’t help but think about how I’d have to compete against him, too, next year, once he moves up. For now he’s safely in the junior men’s department, so I don’t have to worry yet.

At least that’s what I thought. “What?What are you saying? How is that possible?”

“Bryan, come on, you know that you haven’t been on top of your game—”

“No, no, but Iqualified.I just qualified, and I’ll move up to fourth after the free, there’s no way they can keep me off that list.” A nervous laugh jumps out of me, and my voice cracks. “Lian, please tell me you’re joking. Please tell me they didn’t take me off.”

My coach is looking at me with something close to pity on her face for the first time, and my head starts swimming.

If they remove me from the selection pool, that means I won’t be able to go to any international competition, even if I do qualify after the second half of Nationals in two days. It’s not like I’ve been selected recently, but if they do this, I won’t even have a chance to try. I won’t be allowed to represent my country.

The letters on my back are starting to dig into my skin.

This isn’t happening. Not after all these years of sacrificing everything—school, family, friends, girlfriends; every chance I got outside of the ice. Notnow. It’s too late to turn back now. I barely graduated high school. No college would ever take me; no real job. I know it might not look like it from my scores, but I’ve given all I have to this sport, to this team, and now they’re kicking me out? I’ve been half-joking about it for months, but this is different. This is happening.

This is real.

The realization makes me so dizzy I can’t breathe, and I stumble and catch the wall with my hand.

“Hey, hey, you good?” Lian grabs my arm, and I bat it away, shaking my head.

“I’ll call Chris. I’ll tell him…I can make the jump to fourth again, maybe even third, and then I’ll train my ass off from now until Worlds. I can place, I’m sure of it, I just need the quads—” I’m rambling, getting a little lightheaded, and Lian starts shaking her head slowly, but I barrel on before she can open her mouth.

---