Page 91 of Blaze & Ajax

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“The therapist made it clear that having a relationship with someone like me isn’t going to be easy.”

“What do youmean?” he said again, more firmly.

“I mean… As much as it fucking kills me, I want to give you an out. Life with me is going to be a rough road.”

He shook his head so fast it messed up his hair. “No. Nope. Not leaving. Don’t care.”

“Will you listen to me first?”

“No, not if you’re going to fucking make me leave.”

“God, I don’t want you to. But I also don’t want you struggling with my mental health issues.”

“Good, then we’re settled. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Aiden, listen to me. My libido is pretty much fried right now, and I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to get back to normal. I’m not going to be able to help you when you need me… at least not until I get better.”

Aiden literally growled at me, yanking his hands out of mine to wave around. “It doesn’t fucking matter! Looking back on everything—and I’ve had a lot of time to think lately—I realize it wasn’t this need to be controlled or submissive I had. I tried to find love, acceptance, and attention the wrong way. I realize now that it wasn’t healthy. So, even if we don’t have sex, I am still getting what I need from you. I feel really good about this, Jaxon. That doesn’t mean I don’t want those things. I do. But we can fuck whenever you’re better. When you do, we can go back to making a video and posting it or even go live. Or we can simply make love again. If you don’t want to do any of that, I’m fine with that, too. I don’t care! Just don’t make me leave you because I won’t fucking do it. End of goddamn story!”

God, it didn’t take much to make me tear up lately. His speech meant so much to me, but this wasn’t only about my lack of a sex drive.

“Don’t push this, Jaxon,” he warned, sensing my ‘but.’

“It’s not only my libido, baby. When I’m manic, the likelihood that I’ll cheat on you is really high. Like the last time, my sex drive was over the roof. I was ready to literally fuck anything. I’ll be impulsive, act without morals, or even care at all about anyone other than to keep getting my fix like some fucking drug addict. Last time, I remembered feeling so good.”

“Nope. You won’t because you came to me last time. You fucked the hell out of me, not anyone else. You didn’t cheat or fuck anyone else.Youcame tome.”

“I fuckinghurtyou…bityou!”

“Get over it! We’ve already dealt with that.”

“Aiden. I don’t trust myself.”

“Then… I’ll just fucking forgive you.”

I grabbed his face hard and pressed my nose into his throat to stifle a sob. “I can’t ask that of you, baby.”

He gripped me back, clawing my shoulders. “You can and you will, dammit! When you come down, you’ll remember that you love me.”

“I’m not sure I’ll be able to take the guilt.”

“You’ll do it for me because I’ll do it for you. But it doesn’t matter because you won’t do it. I’ll pay attention. When I notice you getting manic, since I’ve experienced it firsthand now, I’ll recognize it. I’ll let you fuck me over and overand over. Bite me. Claw at me. I don’t care. You can use me any way you want. And you will, because I know you won’t cheat on me. We’ll keep getting you to the doctor, dealing with triggers, and keep monitoring your meds. We can do this, and we will fucking do ittogether.”

I sobbed again, clinging to him so he wouldn’t leave, yet wanting him to run away as fast as possible.

“I’m not fucking going anywhere. Understood?” he insisted.

“Yeah…”

“Good. Then we agree. You’re stuck with my stubborn ass. And I’m stuck with yours.”

Aiden and I jumpedout of our skin when someone pounded loudly on my door. I hadn’t expected anyone, but who else would it be but my friends? It was Sunday, so they probably came by to drag me to skate, which I hadn’t done since before my manic episode.

I opened the door, and I was suddenly gobbled up in a swarm of hands, arms, and chests. They were all here—all of them. Even Stone, Cueball, and Alpha were there, but they had hung back since they didn’t really do the hugging thing. I reached around my friends—my family—and tried to hug them all back as best as I could as the emotional surge hit me, reminding me how much I was loved and that they’d never leave me.

“Are youokay?”

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