Page 77 of Blaze & Ajax

Ajax took the items from me and did as he was told, thank fuck, so I got dressed in my underwear, and headed to his kitchen to see if he had any food that was good. I pulled out a loaf of bread that wasn’t too stale, some butter, and I found some cheddar cheese slices.

“Grilled cheese sandwiches, it is,” I said to no one.

While I was cooking, Ajax came out and got dressed in fresh underwear and sweatpants, leaving off a shirt.

“Feel better?”

“A little.”

“You look better. Probably smell better, too,” I teased and winked at him, but he couldn’t be bothered to smile.

Once I finished making the sandwiches, I sat at his little table with him, and we ate in silence.

I cleaned our dishes when we finished eating, then I poured Ajax some water, making him drink it all before dragging his ass to bed.

I leaned against the wall, with the covers up to my stomach, flipping through the channels on his TV to find something. I settled on some recent World War II movie as Ajax draped a leg and arm over me, resting his head on my chest.

Now, this was something I definitely wasn’t used to—snuggling. My stepfather held me only as part of my care, not out of any sense of love. I understood that now, but I hadn’t then. I took his care as love, fucking craving it.

But Ajax laying on me wasn’t part of any care. He snuggled into me because he wanted to, and he needed me. Sure, he held me as we slept, but that was aftersex. This was… different. I wasn’t sure how that made me feel. A little scared. A little needy. A whole lot insecure. Despite the unfamiliarity of a body on me that had nothing to do with sex, I ran my fingers through his still-drying hair, hoping it made him feel a little better.

We’d only been watching the movie for about thirty minutes when Ajax’s body grew heavy. I looked down to see his eyes were closed, and he was snoring lightly.

I ran my fingers through his now clean and silky hair again, feeling weirdly accomplished, like I’d achieved something. For the first time in my pathetic life, I took care of someone else and made them feel better, even if it was just a little.

Regardless, I needed help with Ajax. I was no expert, but I could tell he had some depression. As soon as I got a chance, I planned to call Cueball.

I stretched in thebed and reached for Ajax, but where he’d been sleeping was cold. I hadn’t even noticed he got out of bed, but it wasn’t the first that it’d happened. He was like a stealth ninja at night.

My eyes opened to the dim light of the early morning. Or it was just cloudy.

I sat up and rubbed my eyes before looking around the apartment. “Ajax?”

Where was he? Where’d he go?

I tossed on my jeans and T-shirt and went in search of him. My instinct told me he headed up to the rooftop because he liked it there. I grabbed my cigarettes and lighter and headed upstairs, leaving his door unlocked since I didn’t have a key.

When I stepped out into the cool morning, chills swept across my body, but it would warm up later. The city was buzzing to life with traffic, honkinghorns, and a siren in the distance. The city only slept during the late hours at night.

I found Ajax wearing only underwear, sitting on the concrete barrier, smoking, staring out at the city. My stomach twisted in fear, seeing his legs dangling off the edge. One wrong move would have him falling to his death.

My instincts told me to get him away from there, especially with all that talk last night about nobody caring about him.

“Ajax?” I kept my voice light and calm, not knowing what the fuck was going on, but warning bells were screaming at me to get him away from the ledge.

He said nothing as he took a drag from his smoke.

I swallowed the dry lump in my throat as I tentatively reached out for him, but I was too afraid to touch him, unsure of how he would react.

“What’s going on, Precious?” I asked gently.

“It would be so easy just to lean forward, and that would be it.Splat! I’d be instant roadkill.”

My entire body clenched in fear. “Is… is that what you want?”

He took another drag, staring below and shrugging. “I don’t know. I don’t feel like I belong here. There’s this part of me that feels so disjointed. I’m an alien in a land that’s familiar, yet I don’t recognize it. It’s weird, man. Besides, would anyone miss me? I mean, in the grand scheme of things, would my friends really care? Sure, they’d be upset at first, but eventually, they would move on.”

“Iwould fucking miss you.”

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