Page 44 of Blaze & Ajax

“It means I don’t want to know that she never cared about me. I don’t think it had even been about me, but she left me just the same. Mom left us, unable to take life anymore. Rationally, I saw she was hurting and that it wasn’t about us, but still, she left us behind. My dad’s gone… My entire family left me behind. Ittook me a long time to come to terms with that. Knowing Alpha and making friends has helped… a lot. They helped me not feel so alone.”

I pressed my forehead against his shoulder, wishing I had words of wisdom or advice. I was no Cueball. Hell, I was barely a good person. Cueball would’ve had something helpful to say, but I was an idiot when it came to emotions. All I could do was communicate with touch instead of words, hoping Ajax understood I cared.

“Why are you telling me this?” I was truly curious. He’d never talked about himself like this before. Why now?

Ajax shrugged. “I’m… honestly not sure.” He suddenly scoffed. “All this shit damn near affected my relationships—or the lack of them. It’s not that I’m allergic to getting close, but I just haven’t been exactly driven to find someone, either.”

I instinctively moved away when the ever-present fears of not being wanted hit me. It was clear he was telling me he didn’t do relationships, and it was stupid to believe Ajax would even want me like that. How could he? We’d hated each other for so long. I wasn’t stupid enough to assume that sex fixed all our shit. And I was smart enough to know that to fix it, it required communication, something I was terrible at.

He must have noticed my withdrawal from him because he turned to face me and lifted my chin. “You’re the closest thing I’ve ever had to a relationship… Aiden.”

My breath caught before he pressed his lips to mine. What did that fucking mean? God, I was too chickenshit to ask.

We pulled away, and I coughed back the growing emotions I didn’t want to feel. “What were you like as a kid? Have you always been an ass?”

I mentally face-palmed for ruining the moment, but Ajax smiled crookedly and chuckled. “I’m only an ass with you.”

I smiled back, unable to meet his eyes, feeling awkward and shy, which wasn’t like me at all. Fuck, I hated all these confusing feelings.

He rested his forehead against mine, another intimate gesture I didn’t understand.

“I had a relatively happy childhood despite my father leaving. Whenever Mom felt good, we did a lot of fun things. She was pretty independent, workedhard, and earned enough to take care of my sister and me. I went to a public school, played football, had a lot of friends, skateboarded, and made okay grades. I was a very typical and ordinary teen… except for being gay.”

“Were you open?”

He shook his head, which was still pressed to mine. “Nah, I didn’t want to lose my friends, and Mom had enough shit to deal with. My sister knew, though, and seemed okay with it. She supported me in a way that she never talked about it, but she didn’t hate me or anything.”

Fuck, Ajax seemed so… together. Normal. I hadn’t expected that. He seemed to have dealt with his trauma healthily. Meanwhile, I was a complete fuckup, still angry and resentful at being kicked out of my house and turned away by my Dom after all those years and his fucking promises… falling in love with him. It was like I refused to get a job just to spite them, which was beyond irrational. God, I was a fucking mess.

“Aiden?”

Why did he keep calling me that? His saying my name outside of sex required me to invest in feelings.

“Yeah?”

He lifted my chin with his index finger again to make me look at him. “I like where this is going between us. I didn’t expect to, but… I see this different side to you—a side I like. You’re so vulnerable and trusting with me when you shouldn’t be. I’ve never given you a reason to. At first, it was just about the sex, and yeah, it still is. I’m fucking needy and constantly horny, especially when you’re around. It’s weird because while I love sex, I haven’t beenthisinto it before.”

What did he mean? Was he developing feelings for me? This was only supposed to be about the sex and getting what I needed out of it. But if I was being honest with myself, I was developing feelings, too—unwanted feelings.

“I’m seeing you so differently, Aiden. You’re so beautiful when you’re raw and open. Like all that anger you have washes away whenever we’re together. Like you open yourself up just for me. I mean, I’m not an idiot. I know it’s about our sexual dynamic, but I like this, and I like you. Stay with me tonight. Don’t go home yet.”

I pulled away and abruptly stood, unsure I could take falling for someone and having them turn away from me again. I’d invested my fucking soul in that asshole, only for him to crush me with barely a second glance. For three years, I invested all my heart and emotions into him!

Ajax couldn’t want me. Why would he? I was such a fuckup. My soul was fucking black.

I leaned over the barrier and looked down at the street below. It was late now, and there weren’t many people out. They all had homes to go to, families, people who loved them—all the things I didn’t. Sure, Cueball was a good friend, but he only put up with me. Fuck knew why. It wasn’t like I offered anything in return.

My gut twisted, and my heart beat too fast. God, I wanted so much for someone to want me. While I was vulnerable during sex, Ajax really didn’t know me at all.

“You don’t want me more than what we already have, Jaxon. You don’t want to know the real Blaze.”

I definitely wanted toget to know Blaze more. He was so wrong. While I didn’t understand why he was afraid or why he needed to be controlled through sex, since he still refused to talk about it, I understood the fear of commitment all too well.

As he stared out at the city, I stood, pressed my body against him, and put my hands on top of his, which were resting on the concrete barrier. I felt this need to be his shield. He craned his head to look back at me before turning away.

“I reallydowant to know both AidenandBlaze,” I whispered in his ear, making his skin sprinkle with goosebumps. “Something tells me they are quite different from each other.”

“Nah. Blaze and Aiden are bothfuckups. Losers.”

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