Page 43 of Blaze & Ajax

“Mmm, that’s nice,” he said, his deep voice muffled in the pillow.

He rolled over, kissed my cheek, and climbed out of bed, pulling on his underwear. He walked over to his fridge and pulled out two bottles of water, handing one to me. I sat up, wincing at my sore ass from the spankings and fucking, and grabbed the bottle. I drank mine down, not realizing how thirsty I was.

“It’s nice outside. Put on your underwear… or not and let’s go to the rooftop for a smoke.”

“Okay.”

Ajax grabbed his smokes, lighter, and the spare blanket on his bed as I pulled on my underwear.

We stepped outside his apartment and took the stairs up to the fourteenth floor. I huffed and puffed, exhausted after the sex tonight. Ajax didn’t seem to be doing much better. In fact, as I climbed the stairs behind him, I could see he was still getting thinner. His ribs were more pronounced. What was going on with him? He needed to eat more. Maybe we could go out on a date or something to get him fed.

A date?

Fucking stupid. We didn’t have that sort of relationship, and he could very well feed himself. But like he took care of me after one of our… moments, I should take care of him to make sure he had the energy to do this.

My stupid, irrational voice wanted a date, though—something beyond our sessions. I squashed the thought. No one ever wanted me like that.

We stepped through the door, hit with cool air, but not so cold that we needed hoodies, although we probably should’ve gotten dressed.

Ajax spread the blanket out on the ground as I leaned over the barrier, staring out at the city. He came over to stand next to me and handed me a lit cigarette. I grabbed it between my fingers and took a drag.

“I love this spot. Even when it’s loud, it’s peaceful, like I’m on the outside looking in instead of being in the middle of all the chaos.”

I looked at him, unsure of what to say, but I managed something pathetic. “Seems nice.”

“I work two jobs just to be able to afford this piece of shit place. Meh, it’s not so bad. There are worse places… And I did it on my own.”

Ajax dropped his cig over the side, tugged on my arm, and led me to the blanket. When I sat next to him, he pulled me down again, so we could lie together on our backs, staring up at the dark sky covered in puffy clouds reflecting the light of the city.

I used his upper arm as a pillow, and he trailed gentle fingers along my arm as I finished off my smoke. Where did this affection come from? This was new for us, and I didn’t know what to make of it. Usually, when we wrapped up the aftercare, I just headed home.

“My mom took her life years ago,” he said out of the blue. “I was already an adult by then, but I was still living at home.”

Fuck, what did you say to that? “I’m… sorry.” My words felt inept. God, I was terrible at consolation.

“Me, too. I miss her at times. She had some really good days, and you’d never know she was hurting. Then, there were days she could barely get out of bed. I didn’t understand why she was like that. I guess she suffered from depression or something. It must have been bad enough to feel so hopeless that death was better than living. There are days I can barely breathe because I miss her. Then there are days when it’s easy to shove aside and move on with my life.”

Giving words of empathy was hard for me. I’d never had to do it. I had enough awareness that I knew how selfish I could be. Sometimes I didn’t want to be. Sometimes I didn’t care. It was hard after not being raised with kindness and empathy while having everything you could ever dream of handed to you without conditions. Mostly, I was just ignored, and I would act out for attention. Instead of saying words I didn’t have, I rolled onto my side and wrapped an arm around his torso.

Ajax rolled to his side and tucked some of my hair away from my face. “Thank fuck, I didn’t find her. That was all my sister.”

“You have a sister?”

“Yep, Jenna. She’s seven years older than me. Wow, I guess that makes her thirty now. She was pretty like our mom.” He chuckled. “You’d never know we were siblings. She had dark blond hair and green eyes. She was tall, though. We got our height from our dad. He left years ago, unable to deal with Mom. Soon, he forgot us, too.”

“Does your sister live here in Baltimore?”

“No idea. Jenna took off shortly after she found Mom. She couldn’t take it, I suppose, leaving me behind to deal with the aftermath. I not only lost my mom, but I lost my sister. At least she fucking helped me with the funeral arrangements.”

I understood all too well what it felt like to be abandoned. Not only did Ajax and I have sex in common, but now we had abandonment and being forgotten in common.

“Have you tried to find her?”

Ajax sat up and lit another smoke. “Nope. I’m not sure I care enough to.” He huffed a laugh and wrapped his arms around his folded legs. “That’s a lie.”

I sat up and rested my chin on his shoulder. I sure was being fucking touchy tonight, and I had no idea why. No, I knew why. Those emotions I always avoided tried to force their way in.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

---