Page 75 of Blaze & Ajax

“But why?”

“What the fuck do you mean, why?”

“Why are you here, Blaze?”

I winced at him using my nickname. I really needed to get rid of it. That was my stepfather’sname for me, not mine. It should never have belonged to my friends or Ajax, but I hated myself too much to let them truly know me.

“I told you already. I’m worried.”

“Whyare you worried about me?”

I would have laid into his ass and told him what an asshole he was being had he not looked at me like some fucking lost and starving puppy. I kicked at a lot of things, but not puppies, dammit.

Before I could answer, he said, “No one cares about me. No one loves me. You were right that day when we first kissed. You said everyone leaves. I was so angry at you, so I said people only leftyou.How wrong I was. I lied to you that day. They all left me, too. My dad, my mom, my sister.”

A tear slid down his face, and on instinct, I wiped it away with my thumb. Where had that come from? I wasn’t affectionate or empathetic. Even more surprising, I kissed his greasy forehead.

“And I lied to you because I was pissed. Yes, people leave us, but look at our friends. If Stone and Cueball can stay friends with me, someone who has nothing to offer as a friend or… I’m a shit to everyone, yet they put up with my ass, anyway. And you… Fuck. You chose to help me instead of snubbing your nose at me or kicking me while I was already down. Your friends haven’t left you, Jaxon.”

“Where are they, then?”

“What do you mean? They’re always here with you. They adore you.”

He shook his head, breathing his stinky breath on me, his body reeking of old sweat, but I didn’t care. For some reason, I knew he needed me, despite my fears and doubts. Even if he didn’t love me as he said he had, Ajax needed help, and I wanted to help him as he had helped me.

“Jaxon… Listen to me. They haven’t come because I told them not to. I wanted to be the one to show up and check on you. They’re worried sick about you.”

“They’re going to leave me, too.”

“Never.”

“They may be okay with me now, but what about down the road?”

I didn’t understand what was going on with him. How did one fall so fast and hard like this? Ajax had never come across as someone who was depressive and broken. Hell, even when he told me his story about his mom and sister, he was more resigned than sad, like he’d accepted his fate.

“Come on, Jaxon. You know they won’t.”

“But how do I know that? How do I know you won’t leave me, too? What if you do? I… don’t think I can take anyone leaving me again. I’m all on my own. People don’t stick around. Not my family, and not yours.”

He was right. Both of our families abandoned us. There were no guarantees in life. Fuck, I wanted to make a promise to him I wouldn’t leave, but I didn’t know. I couldn’t predict the future. I wanted to give him everything, yet I was terrified, too.

“I love you, and… you don’t love me. I get it. You don’t need love, just someone to help you. How could you love someone like me, anyway? I’m a fucking train wreck. One minute I’m blowing through all my savings, being a fucking nutjob, trashing my apartment. Next, I just want to… It’s like I don’t belong here in this world. I feel dislocated from life. I want to go back to how I was because it felt so good, but no matter what I do, I just…”

The relief that he still loved me was palpable. It made my heart fucking race and ache at the same time. My mind itched to tell him. Even with his suffering, I wanted to tell him how I felt, but would he even believe me? Would he think I was placating him? He seemed to be in that state. I didn’t know how to make him fucking better. But that wasn’t the only thing holding me back. I had my own fears abouthimleavingme. Could I tell him that? Should I?

“I’m afraid, too,” I said, wiping away more of his tears.

“What are you afraid of?”

“You—how I feel about you. That you’ll leaveme. God, how I hated you at first. But you helped me, even when you hated me. You didn’t have to at all, but you chose to. I’ll never fucking forget that. So, now I’m here for you. You needmenow. I’m not going anywhere.”

He squeezed his eyes shut and shoved his face into my neck, his hand clawing at my chest. His hot tears soaked through my T-shirt as he choked on his sobs.

This was beyond me. I’d never taken care of anyone before, and I needed help with Ajax. I had no idea how to do that, being selfish and needy my entire fucking pathetic life.

I tried to slide out of bed because an idea had come to me, but Ajax clung to my arm.

“I’m not going anywhere. I promise. But I need to clean out your tub. You can’t shower with your destroyed walls, but you can bathe. We can’t do that until I get rid of the trashed tiles.”

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