Page 13 of Blaze & Ajax

Anger was so much better than that agonizing loss.

Soon, Ajax drifted into my mind again, pushing out the other bastard, which was a good thing.

No!

It was abadthing.

A terrible thing.

Ajax was a fucking prick!

“Enough!” I yelled out to no one, my brain completely ignoring me as usual.

Cueball was at work, and I didn’t do shit for a job, so I sat on the beat-up sofa in our living room, turned on the oldPlaystation, and booted up a game. I needed a distraction.

For a while, I got lost in the shooting game, killing zombies, but eventually, I got bored with that, too.

I tossed the controller onto the scratched coffee table and huffed on the couch, rubbing my face.

Ajax was a damn distraction that I didn’t need, but… craved. He kept bringing me back to what I wanted, and something I hadn’t had in years.

Could I?

Should I?

He hated me. I hated him. Butfuck…

I was literally thirsty and starving for what I’d had once. My body and mind had never been more at peace.

I’d been so out of control for so long, and while Cueball helped me a little, it wasn’t enough. I needed to be touched, but I didn’t want love. Not again. Never again. I didn’t trust it. Ajax would definitely never love me, nor would I love him, which would be perfect for getting what I needed without throwing emotions and feelings into the mix.

Before I could change my mind, I went to the door, grabbed my jacket hanging on a hook, and tossed it on. A few minutes later, I was on a bus.

God, what was I thinking?

Could I lower myself to him? Could I trust him? Fuck no. I had a choice, but today, I was desperate and unraveling, getting lost in memories and resentments. I needed to let loose. If I let loose, I ended up hurting things, especially myself.

Why now?

Because you got a taste of what you once had, my brain taunted.

My sinking was enough to debase myself in front of Ajax, of all people.

It was a wonder I remembered where he even lived, having only been there once with Stone.

I paced in front of his door, gnawing on a fingernail enough to make it sting and bleed.

Years. It’d been years since I had someone who could help me. Was it help, though? Sometimes, I wondered if that bastard took advantage of me during one of my weak moments to take what he wanted. Regardless, I fed off it. I felt whole around him. I got something out of it, too.

I ran my fingers through my hair, snagging some strands in one of my rings.

“Fuck,” I hissed, rubbing my head.

With a deep breath and a pounding heart, I rapped on Ajax’s door.

I didn’t even know if he’d be home, but I knew he was off from Alpha’s tonight, and it was late enough in the afternoon, or so I hoped. Maybe it was best if he wasn’t home. Then I could save face and get the fuck out of there. Ugh, but then I wouldn’t get what I needed.

And what if he doesn’t give it to you?I thought.

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