Page 54 of Never Enough

Ruby lips above the water

Blowing bubbles, soft and fine

But, alas, I was no swimmer

So I lost my Clementin”

I’m underwater again, unable to hear or breathe. My lungs burn. My eyes sting. My head hurts.

Make it stop! Please, mommy!

Why must she sing as she hurts me?

There’s more.

“I haven’t forgotten that you’ve stolen from me. As punishment, you’ll drown.

I just hope you don’t drown the Whitmores with you. I hear you’re manipulating them just how you manipulated my mother.

Remember what I said, Daphne. He’ll never love you. No one will.

Signed,

Your mother.”

At this point, I can barely keep myself together. I’m back to that day, drowning as I struggle to get gasps of breath in, all the while mom stops singing to taunt me.

I’m alone. Even when I’m not, even with a hundred people around me, I’m alone.

I bite my lip in an effort to remind myself that I can still feel pain; and if I can still feel pain, that means I’m alive.

She can’t hurt me.

So, in an effort to keep myself grounded, I touch the cold metal of the bench beneath my thighs. I inhale the breeze in the air while simultaneously inhaling the surrounding excitement. Most importantly, I remember that Lynn is in prison, far away from me.

I am not twelve years old anymore. I’ve paved the way for my own opportunities by accepting Grandma’s generosity. I have a best friend, Eden, and my boyfriend is the man I’ve been in love with since we first met.

Yes, just like everyone else, I have negative traits, but I wouldn’t say manipulation is one of them. I’m also kind, and patient, and loyal with a mix of independent.

Nine years ago, I survived, and I’ll continue to do so. If I tell anyone about my mother, they'll think I'm a victim trying to win affection. Or, they'll think I'm trying to manipulate my boyfriendinto loving me.

I refuse to prove mom right. I am not a manipulator. In fact, I’ll do anything to prove it, even if it means I battle the demons of my mother alone.

It’s who I am.

Besides, I’m already going to expose a vulnerable part of me tomorrow when I ask Alex to put Celeste in the past and move forward with me. Finally. I want him to care about me, because he does. When I tell him the truth about my mother, it’ll be because we’re closer than ever and he cares. No matter what, it sure as hell won’t smother his attention. I mean, can you imagine if I said:Help me, Alex, mommy’s trying to kill me.I mean, fuck! Last time I tried to tell him, I never got the chance because he ended up harming himself first.

I fold the letter back up and tuck it away like a dirty secret.

I’m overreacting. Mom’s in prison. She can’t hurt me anymore. Next time, I won’t read the letter. I’ll just let the warden and courts know that she’s been contacting me. Maybe I can get her more prison time for breaking the PPO.

But that’s a problem for the future Daphne. Right now, I have a game to pretend to enjoy and a boyfriend to support in secret.

One crisis at a time.

In a sea of noise, the crowd roars. I focus on the field. Alex, number twenty-seven, moves like he owns the turf until he’s hit hard. My breath catches inside my tight chest.

“Come on, Alex,” I whisper to myself. He gets up slower each time, and it’s killing me. Should I go check on him?

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