Page 18 of Dearest Ronan

I stop breathing.Disgusting?

Ronan and I together isdisgusting?

I don’t think so, and I don’t believe he thinks so either—at least not when he’s balls deep inside of me.

A painful realization snaps my resolve. He’ll never want tobewith me. I feel so stupid for not noticing sooner.

We can’t hold hands on the pier walkway. Yesterday we venturedbeneaththe pier. I thought it romantic at the time, but now I see it for what it was. I’m his disgusting secret. Sea waves covered our kisses.

Women at bars will think he’s single. Heck, heissingle!

Because we aren’t in a relationship. He’s my former guardian whom I am sleeping with. End of.

Damn, that really stings.

I pull together my feelings and wrap them up in a misshapen bow because I love him, don’t I? Of course I do. My love for him may tear me to pieces and leave me more broken than before we started, but I have to do it—for Dearest Ronan. My never-myDearest Ronan, but Dearest Ronan, nonetheless.

A love so powerful that I’ll kneel before him, bleeding and broken, and continue to offer myself up to him for as long as he’ll have me.

Even if it ends in heartbreak.

Anika

The next morning, thoughts of yesterday eat my insides. Ronan keeps me as a secret. I don’t intend to tell him about my feelings, but ever perceptive, Ronan catches on quickly and asks me what’s wrong.

Before answering I pour myself a cup of coffee. The dark brew flows gracefully into the cup, in part thanks to the cultivated and expensive coffee beans Ronan purchases. In some areas, he’s cheap, in others—like coffee—he believes in quality.

After grabbing my steaming cup and moving to the table, I relax as much as I can before spilling my guts. The table quivers from a slightly uneven leg, but I ignore it to prop my elbows on its surface, fixing my gaze on the light streaming across the dining room wall.

“I’m not a child.” I may act like one, but I’m not.

His left brow curls up. I’ve always wondered if he practiced that move in the mirror or if raising a single eyebrow comes naturally. “Of course you’re not, butterfly.”

“It just hurt my feelings yesterday with Maury.” I withhold my blunter thoughts. He was vicious. I felt small and like a kid again.

He leans back in his chair, coffee growing cold next to him. “It’s not so much our age that bothers me, but that I’m your guardian.”

“For. A. Time,” I intone. “You’re not anymore, and you didn’t raise me.” Tension coils in my stomach. “My parents did.” I can’t say it loud enough. No one can take the place of mom and dad. The Steeles’ didn’t stand a chance.

“Yes, but you lived with me. As far as the state’s concerned, you were my ward and I your guardian.” What I’m hearing is that he’s stuck on society and divorce. I’m not un-afraid either. Truthfully, I’m terrified to give my heart to him, only to have it rejected later.

Ronan scrapes his chair across the tile as he stands against the wall. Ever the emotional optimist, I say, “We’re going to heal ourselves, Ronan.”

He leans against the wall and crosses his ankles. “If you need to heal, I’ll help you, but I am fine.”

I put on my most serious face possible. “Fine, huh? You’re perfectly okay with this sudden divorce?”

“First, it wasn’t sudden. Carolyn and I have had our problems for years—“

I interrupt. “Because of me.” I need to be next to him. I may be younger, but I have a gravitational pull toprotecthim. After standing, I saunter until I’m close enough to feel his warmth breath over the top of my head.

I’m so small that his chin dips to stare into my eyes. Then he gently tucks a stray strand of hair behind my ear. “What?” he mutters. “No, not because of you.Neverbecause of you.“ His reddish-brown eyes soften, reminding me briefly of the man I fell in love with at sixteen.

“Well, either way, I didn’t help.”

He waves a hand dismissively. “Not your fault. Our marriage was never your responsibility.”

Lifting a shoulder, I say, “Fine.”

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