Page 30 of Dearest Ronan

“Shit.” He runs a hand through his hair again, this time taking a second to grip some strands at the root.

I shrug. I meant it when I told him I get it. He’s been busy, and I was a distraction. Hopefully a lovely one, but a distraction, nonetheless.

Funny enough, I love him so much that my bleeding heart would rather drip down to my toes than cause him harm. Loving Ronan means worrying about his mental and emotional health, too. As much as I wish I had the power to cure him, I don’t. He has to do it on his own.

Truthfully, being with Ronan is like dancing on a comet. The view is amazing, but if you’re not careful you’ll burn in his atmosphere. I’d do anything tobewith him. Love him forever.

Importantly, me leaving isn’t just about him. It’s about me, too. I’m a wonderful interior designer, but to become my own boss, I must work on project management and accounting.

“You sure?” he asks, shoulders hunching. I’m not, but don’t have a choice. I love him too much to destroy him. If I continue with him as I have been, I’ll destroy the man I love. To leave him means he can heal in peace.

We both can.

When I started this process, all I wanted was to heal him. I suppose in some ways, I was successful. Every time my legswrapped around his waist, I told him he’s desirable. He needs more, though, and he knows it. Just as we both know I need more, too.

So, rather than tell him that I’m not sure, I focus on the good—Ronan figuring out what he wants without my influence. Meanwhile, I can accept the job opportunity from my friend Indy. As Ronan heals, I’ll strengthen my career. Indy will help me with project management and my terrible accounting skills. Living with Carolyn taught me what I want and what I don’t want. That includes earning for myself.

The seconds tick by, but I force myself to nod. “Yes,” I say in a shaky breath. “I’m sure.”

“Anika,” he starts, rubbing the back of his neck. “I love you.”

We stare at one another, and I feel it. I feel my bleeding heart covering my toes the second it falls out of my chest. He. Loves. Me.

“Not how a guardian should love his ward,” he clarifies. Intensity sets in his gaze. I want to throw my arms around his neck and kiss the stubble on his chin. I’d slay his dragons and kiss the hurt in his eyes every night to keep his love.

Yet, I have a devastating thought repeating incessantly: he says he loves me, but he’s not asking me to stay.

“I love you too, Ronan,” I whisper. “So very much.”

We continue to stare at each other, as if the other has the answers and we’re desperate to hear them.

Ronan’s jaw feathers, likely conflicted. It’s the silence hanging between us that kills me the most. Unable to stand it for a second longer, I give him an awkward wave before pulling away.

I don’t look back.

Anika BEFORE

age 18

Burning tears track down my cheeks. I'm going to pass out, right here in the hallway. I can't get over the images of Ronan and Carolyn together out of my head.

Carefully, I pad through the hallway silently, while they still go at it. I wrote Ronan one last note, but I could never actually hand it, or any of them, to him. It's too embarrassing. It's obvious that he loves his wife. I don't know… I guess I thought that maybe someday he'd realize that he and Carolyn don't fit together. She likes marble and he prefers wood.

With one final glimpse at the house I've recently began to consider a home, I pat my pocket to ensure my last note to Ronan is still inside, and then venture into the night.

Ronan

After today, I will officially be a divorced man.

My heart feels heavy, burdened by the weight of sadness and loss both for Carol and Anika; and amidst the chaos of emotions, I struggle to find clarity. My thoughts are a whirlwind, leaving me feeling scattered and disoriented. It’s as if a thick fog has descended upon me, obscuring my ability to concentrate and focus on anything other than the end of this chapter in my life.

Like the mercurial man I am, I force myself to focus on what I can. I’m sad that my marriage is over. Angry that the Sunkos’ tried to manipulate me into staying in a loveless marriage. Devastated that Anika and I need to separate.

I pray to every god out there that Anika and I will grow back together.

Sitting at the table where my life is officially about to change forever, I pull out Anika’s letters from my briefcase. After she left me last month, I discovered them crammed into a dresser drawer in the spare bedroom. She must have forgotten them.

Carefully transcribed words pour page after page, mostly about me, her, and us. At first, I was surprised. How long has she been pining for me? Then, I smacked my forehead at the word ‘pine’ like I’m a teenage girl.

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