Page 84 of Out of the Cold

“I need to handle a few things at my place,” he said. He moved to her side of the bed and leaned down, kissing her cheek as her eyes closed. “I’ll be back a little later.”

But she was already asleep again.

He took Hilde out and set up the coffee maker so it would be ready when Lucy got up. Then he left the quiet cabin and made his way along the path to his door.

His own cabin was warm enough, but it felt empty. He stoked the fire and started his own coffee pot, standing in the little kitchen waiting for it to brew.

He could have stayed with her, could have told her today was the anniversary of Ricky’s death. But he didn’t want to bring that darkness to her. And anyway, he didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t even want to think about what had happened a year ago, but the memories were there, and they wanted out.

Colorado was an hour ahead, which meant that at this time last year he’d been awake and showering, getting ready for a full day of meetings. Ricky was in his own room next door, asleep. At eighteen, not much could have gotten him up before ten on a vacation day, not even fresh powder on the slopes.

Gabe drank his coffee quickly, without taking time to enjoy it, then headed outside. He spent the next hour chopping wood from a downed tree into logs small enough to burn in a woodstove, the well-known rhythm bringing him to the place he needed to be. He was too restless to meditate, but this was the next best thing. Thoughts of Ricky dying still intruded, but each time they did, he thought of Lucy in bed, Lucy smiling in her snowshoes, Lucy in his arms, safe and warm.

He chopped until he couldn’t lift his arms, then went inside and made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Sitting at the table, he opened a magazine about the outdoor tourism industry and tried to read an article about winter recreation in the age of climate change.

He’d read the first paragraph four times when his phone rang.

“Hi Natalie.”

“Hey,” his sister said, her voice softer than usual. “How are you?”

“I’m...I don’t know.”

“You answered the phone. That’s a good sign.”

“I’m better than I have been, but I’m still not sure what I’ll do with myself all day. Lucy and I have...well, we’ve been together, but I came back here to be alone.”

“Wow, I’m so glad you have someone. That’s huge, Gabe.”

“Yeah, it is. I still can’t believe it.”

“So you’re happy?”

“I am when I’m with her. I don’t think about that day as much when we’re together.”

“That’s how it’s supposed to be. If no one ever got to that point, it would be impossible to survive losing someone.”

“I suppose so, but then I feel guilty for being happy.”

“Do you think Ricky would have minded you thinking about Lucy instead of him?”

He couldn’t help laughing at that. “He would have been all for it. Girls always came first.”

“Well, there you go.”

He turned it over, and that part felt right. Of course Ricky wouldn’t mind.

“I’m glad you’re not alone anymore,” she said, her voice cracking.

His chest ached, and his throat clogged up. For a few seconds, he couldn’t say anything.

“When will we see you?” she asked.

“I don’t know.”

“You’ve got to come home sometime, Gabe. Or at least let us visit you there.”

“I’ll see you sometime in early spring. I promise.” He meant it, too. He was ready to see them.

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