Page 28 of A Guardian for Christmas

I can’t wipe the silly smile off my face as he moves around the kitchen, firing up the stove and the oven. He plops some butter in a cast iron pan, does something with spices and broccoli in another pan, and starts water for pasta.

The conversation flows as I watch him cook. Eventually we end up talking about how each of us spent 2020.

Sagan flips the sizzling hunk of salmon, then adds a bit of pasta water to the other pans. “I lived in a halfway house in Fate when I first got out of prison. We shared a pretty small, crappy kitchen, which wasn’t fun. The Wood Brothers gave me a construction job which paid enough to keep me fed and helped me save for a deposit on an apartment. Eventually, I landed an apprenticeship at Fated Ink. The owner temporarily closed the shop in 2020 due to the pandemic. He felt bad about leaving me without a paycheck. He offered to let me crash in the store room above the shop, which I was grateful for. The place isn’t much but I made it work. It was that, or spend the pandemic stuck in the halfway house, sheltering in place with a bunch of other guys. I took my chances at being alone, and honestly, having my own private space for once was pretty great.”

“What did you do?”

“Earned some money working construction, until that eventually slowed down. Converted the space into an actually livable apartment. Taught myself how to cook. Read a lot of books. Worked out. Painted the apartment twice. Watched a shit ton of reality TV. Then, in 2022, the owner offered to sell the shop to me through a self-financing option, and here I am.”

Sagan plates the pasta with some broccoli and sauce next to the salmon. The aroma is intense, and my stomach growls as I pick up my fork.

“What about you? What’d you do in a great big castle all to yourself?”

“In the pandemic? So much online shopping,” I say, laughing. “I ordered so many gadgets, the staff was forced to reorganize the kitchen and pantry. I learned to bake sourdough bread. I mastered how to culture yogurt. I even learned how to age cheese.”

“Cool.”

“What’s less cool is I taught myself about crypto.”

Sagan laughs and covers his mouth because he’s just taken a bite of food, and he’s simply the politest stalker I’ve ever had.

“Not because I’m interested in investing in it,” I explain. “But because the news is so damn bad at explaining it! Did you know I once thought there were physical mines digging for heavy metals and minting them? Now, of course, I get it. And I still hate it!”

By the time I finish my little rant, Sagan cannot eat from laughing so hard.

“I fucking love you, Esme.”

Pleased that I told a good story, I take a bite of my salmon while I think about how to reply to the “love” thing.

“I think…I think you’re an amazing cook.”

The conversation continues to flow, but not quite as naturally after that. I know it’s because I didn’t say “I love you” back.

I’m just not ready.

But I am happy that I still have room for dessert. Sagan fills two bowls of peppermint ice cream and carries them out of the kitchen.

“Where are you going?”

He pauses. “To the den. We’ve got you, me, ice cream. All we need now is a TV.”

“Wait. We’re eating ice cream in the TV room?”

He gets a playful glint in his eye. “Is that not allowed? Is Frye going to pop out of a broom closet and scold me?”

I laugh. “No, he’s gone home for the day.”

“Well, that brings up an even more important question. Are you alone here in this massive house every single night?”

I nod. “The cook arrives at 5 a.m. and I’m usually asleep at midnight, so it’s not really that long to be alone.”

His face broadcasts what he’s thinking: That ends now.

That’s a nice thought. But how long until he needs to step out of my world and go back to his? How long until he leaves, just like Briar had to leave to go back to school, making this house once again so quiet that the ghosts get louder?

“Come on,” he says. “And grab some spoons.”

We watch Miracle on 34th Street, the original one in black and white. That one was my suggestion, and Sagan is surprised at how funny it is. Sagan suggests Die Hard, and I go along with it even though I don’t like action movies. It helps that he bribes me with a second bowl of ice cream.

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