I drink half my eggnog in one go. Need to work out my nerves with some brandy.

Red nods to the rolling pin. “We were just rolling out some dough for the sugar cookies. Maybe you boys can take a turn and let us rest our arms?”

Trevor starts to unbutton the cuffs of his button down and work them up to his elbows. “Mm, yes, we don’t want Iris to give Rose another jump scare, huh?”

There’s a tiny smirk on his face as he grabs the rolling pin and starts to go to town on the dough.

Was that– is that supposed to be a joke? No, not a joke. A flirtation?

More nog. Stat.

After the initial shock of Trevor’s arrival, things settle.

Red cranks the Christmas tunes and pulls the tray of cookies in the oven out to cool. Oliver and Trevor take turns thinning out the dough until it’s the perfect size. Trevor helps Rose use cookie cutters to make snowflakes and stars. I try not to get distracted as I help Red whip up some frosting.

Except, it’s hard when he’s so good with her.

I loved him before Rose was born, but after Rose was born, I lost my mind.

Watching him with our goddaughter doesn’t erase the pain of the past six months, but it sure does pull me back in time.

Whether it’s the déjà vu or the eggnog or a combination of both, I find myself watching Trevor from time to time the way I used to.

I loved everything about him. The way he moved, the way he spoke, the way he looked at the world. At me.

I keep looking, hoping he’ll look at me. Realize what he missed out on. Except, maybe I’m nothing much if I can’t offer him exactly what he wants.

“Okay, Rosie, what color do you want to make the snowflakes?” I gesture to all the bowls of colored icing Red and I whipped up.

My goddaughter trusts me again, thank god, and is currently standing on the counter in front of me, back pressed up against my chest.

“Pink!” she points to the bowl of pink.

“Pink snowflakes…I like that,” Trevor says from across the island.

I giggle. “Pink snowflakes for a pink–” I stop short, taking a whiff of the air. The sweet smells have been permeated by the stench of… “Rosie, did you–”

“Oh, that’s a bad one,” Oliver says from across the room, putting his hand over his nose.

I swipe Rosie off the counter, holding her under her arms.

She bursts into a fit of giggles when she realizes how she’s all but cleared out the room by filling her diaper.

“I don’t do diapers!” I cry out.

It’s mostly a joke, but if I can get away with not changing her diaper, I will.

Oliver comes over, tucking his nose into his shoulder and holding his breath. “Got her.”

Rose giggles as Oliver rushes out of the room with her at arm’s length.

“I should go help him, he gets queasy when he’s been drinking,” Red says and before I can protest, she leaves Trevor and me alone with all the cookies, the carols, and other crap. Not literal crap. Shared history crap.

“Pink snowflakes…” I busy myself spooning some icing onto a cookie.

Trevor picks up the bottle. “More eggnog?”

I glance at my empty cup. “Sure. Why not?”