Remember what you could have had? Remember what you were too selfish to stay for?
I have stayed before for people less than Trevor. I couldn’t betray myself like that again.
Trevor shakes as if he can’t control himself. “Fuuuuuuck.”
Fuck indeed. Not only was the pleasure immense, but so was the amount he released inside me. I am stuffed with his warmth, his seed.
To think that if I stayed, we’d be doing this to make a baby. To be more than we are.
Instead, this is a meaningless fuck.
Tears prick my eyes.
Don’t you cry. Don’t you dare.
Trevor slides out of me. “Iris…”
I press my lips together and close my eyes.
“Are you all right? Did I hurt you?”
“No. No, of course not,” I say, my voice strained and raw.
His hand lands against my cheek like a feather. “Can I hold you?”
Does he want to kill me?
“I…sorry, that’s probably not–”
“For a little bit,” I say, knowing it will be my downfall.
Trevor lays down beside me and wraps his arms around me.
Immediately, it’s home.
I’ve been away from home for too long. Seattle isn’t home. Chicago isn’t even home. Trevor is home, and he has been since our very first date. I didn’t believe people when they said, “When you know, you know,” and then I met Trevor.
But did I really know if it turned out like this?
I turn over to face him, swinging my leg over his hip and holding him close.
I can’t apologize with words but maybe this embrace will do it.
Trevor clutches me close. “Are you cold?”
“Just hold me. Just…” Tears fall. I make sure they don’t land against his skin so he doesn’t know I’m crying.
Except Trevor knows. He always knows.
He squeezes me tighter, if that’s possible. “Iris, don’t cry.”
“I’m not,” I say, though the tears are obvious in my voice. “I’m–”
Despite wanting to remain in his arms for comfort, I know that he can’t solve the hurt.
I tear away from him, sitting up on the edge of the bed, placing my hands over my face and letting the tears fall.
How did we get here? I mean, I know, I can trace the timeline, the literal events that caused us to crumble apart. “We were going to take vows.”