Page 169 of Gift from the Wing

His grief spears me right in the chest and I nearly choke on the lump in my throat. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Tillman, out of all my men, can control and compose his emotions the best out of the four of them. But right now, I can barely breathe through what he’s pushing out.

It’s all-consuming, mournful, and if I didn’t know any better, I’d swear to you we both were about to perish from it.

Holding on to his hands, I surge our bond with my love and pride for him. The amount of strength it takes a person to get over a travesty such as this is no small feat. And fuck, am I so thankful to have him here with me.

“The only thing that kept me sane in the coming days, hell, really hours, was that last lesson she gave me. I held onto every word like it was my lifeline, and in some cases it was. When we returned…” He pauses, taking a couple deep breaths, and instinctively, my body begins to mimic the rise and fall of his chest. “I’ve never spoken to anyone about what transpired when we got back here after that mission.”

“And you don’t have to now if you don’t want to,” I tell him sincerely.

“No, I do want you to know, but I have to be honest, Will, you know the ending. It’s not a happy middle.”

I can only imagine. I’ve never dared to ask, although of course my mind has thought about it. I remember what I felt keenly when he told me what happens with a true Primary, who’s fully bonded, dies.

“I know it’s not, but I want you to talk to me about anything you need to. I don’t care how sad or happy it may be. I’m right here and I’ve got you.”

Calling out my earth element, I wrap a vine around my wrist and his, keeping the two of us tethered together.

We’re stronger when we’re together.

“I’ll never forget the look on Aunt Rory’s face and how she reacted when we arrived back at the palace. At first, I heard her cries of happinesswhen she saw Sean, who was out front, carrying Caspian in his arms, but when she started asking for my mom, Ian and Hudsen, who were concealing us, parted. It was like all the happiness was sucked out of the realm when she saw my mom in Wesling’s arms. I’ll never forget the wail that came out of her. It used to haunt my nightmares. Whatever Uncle Roye said to her when he picked her up snapped her out of it, and her eyes moved to mine.

“Whatever she saw when she looked at me seemed to break her apart a little bit more, but she held strong. Started barking orders at the palace staff to go get the healers for Cas. She made my uncles take him to his room while she had my dads take my mom to theirs and very calmly, she told me to stay in the foyer and she’d be back out to get me. At that point, I had shut down. I wasn’t calm and balanced. I was…nothing. I don’t even know how long it was before she came and got me and took me to my parents’ room. I was so confused until she opened the door and reality slapped me in my face.

“It wasn’t until I walked in, saw my mom in her favorite dress cuddled up in the arms of my dads, who were now changed into her favorite outfits of theirs, that I realized in a short few hours, maybe, I’d be saying goodbye to them all. Aunt Rory told me to say my goodbyes, but I couldn’t. I refused. I told her I wasn’t going anywhere. She didn’t force me out, but she did ask me to reconsider. I wouldn’t. I took my mom’s words that she’d said earlier and held firm. I accepted that I was going to stay with them until the very end.”

I try so hard to stay strong and hold my tears at bay, but I fail. It was heartbreaking the first time he told me what happened, but now hearing he stayed with them the entire time until it happened slices my heart in two.

He was so strong. They all had to be far too strong for teenage boys.

“Those were the longest, yet fastest eleven hours of my life. I made my dads talk to me until the minute they couldn’t speak anymore. I wanted to hear every story, every piece of advice they could share with me. Once the last words they could muster passed through their lips, I resorted to reading their minds. I wanted, needed, to know everything they were thinkingabout in those last few moments. Every thought was about me and her. How they couldn’t wait to be with her again, but they hated they were leaving me behind.

“After they passed, I went searching for Aunt Rory, only to find her and all my uncles on a pallet on the floor outside her room. I didn’t say a word. I just crawled on the blanket with her. She was up and down the whole night, bouncing between checking on Cas, Corentin, and me. At some point, Uncle Roye carried me to my room, where I spent the next four days locked in there, crying to myself. I refused to go see Caspian or Corentin, so I had no clue the condition either of them was in before I finally got tired of my four walls and went to stare at Corentin’s with him.

“The days following, Aunt Rory let me help her plan their entire Ceremony of Remembrance. When my mom was put in the ground last, I lost it again, but that was the last time I allowed it. I held onto her lesson firmly from that moment on. I told myself, okay, you grieved for a week, there’s nothing you can change or control anymore, so you have to accept it and let it go. It wasn’t that easy at first, but it’s been fine for a while, until now.”

He takes a long deep breath after that and I stay quiet just in case he isn’t finished. I want him to get it all out, talk about it, and be free from any burden he may be feeling. Grief and mourning the loss of a loved one is something that will never ever go away, and it takes a monumental amount of time for it to grow easier, so whatever’s disturbed his ease, I want to help him through it.

“What’s changed that’s brought it all back up again?” I ask gently after a long stretch of silence.

When he looks up to meet my eyes with a small smirk on his lips, I gasp.

“Me? I did this?” I ask, horrified.

“Not you directly, little warrior, but everything going on around us. Being back at the palace, the south wing, the palace E.F. members, being called Tillme. These are all things I’ve avoided for the better part of a decade, but the situation surrounding us has put me right back in the middle of it, stirring up things I haven’t felt in some time. In no way, shape, or form is it your fault. I just believe that it was a push I needed but neverwould’ve gotten if not for you. I needed to be honest with my grief, what I went through, and I wouldn’t have with anyone other than you.

“A lot happened leading up to this. Draken and Keeper being united. You and Lyker. Hearing you talk about your mom, even just the bits and pieces you know, has made me realize I don’t even allow people or myself to speak about my parents. It’s like unconsciously, I knew that if I allowed their stories to be told, I would’ve had to handle my grief better. And my soul wasn’t ready for that yet. It didn’t have the balance it needed to get through it. Now I do. I have you.”

My body crashes into his and my arms wrap around his neck as I hold him close. He’s been my strength since even before I knew I was his Primary. In his own silent way back then, he was holding me up and encouraging me on. I’ll do it for him now, loudly and proudly. I’ll be his strength, his mountain, his shoulder, whatever he needs me to be.

I’ll hold him up just as he’s always done me.

“You do have me, and you always will. I’ll forever be your backbone, your strength, your balance. I’ll be it all because that’s what you are for me. You’ll never suffer in silence or alone, ever again.” I swear.

The air that whooshes out of him may be weightless, but the way his body slumps into mine is like thousands of pounds have been lifted off him. His entire body shudders against mine, and I hold him tighter, letting whatever he needs to release come into me so I can expel it for him.

One of his arms loops around my waist and he runs slow circles over my spine, while the other hangs down beside him. I thought he was laying it there for a prop, but then I lightly feel his hand moving in the same pattern along the moss-covered floor that he’s doing on my back.

He’s searching for the tether to the earth.

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