Page 122 of Gift from the Nexus

“No, sorry. What did you say?”

He sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose because this is probably the third or fourth time he’s had to repeat something to me in the last few hours since we’ve been home.

“I said all of Rebel Castle has been evacuated and tomorrow morning we’ll be moving the students out before our brief for the mission,” he says, exasperated, and I know that was the condensed version.

I’m not sure why he’s bothering telling me already when he’s just going to have to repeat it again when Willow’s done with her alone time. She’ll want to know what’s going on too. So he might as well just take care of whatever he’s going to take care of, then tell us together.

Pushing myself out of my seat and stretching, I decide to go check on her and see how she’s doing. I figured she was going to want about an hour on her own after what just happened, but it’s been a couple of hours now and her alone time is making her question herself more than it should be. I can tell by the range of emotions that keeps fluctuating every few minutes.

“Where are you going?” Caspian asks me.

“Where does it look like?”

“Bad idea, dragon. Let her be for now,” he says, not bothering to look up from the map of the forest. He has that damn thing memorized by now, yet he looks at it for at least an hour every day.

Of course I ignore what he has to say as I kick my shoes off and head toward the pool. I know my brothers mean well, and hell, she really might not care for my company right now, but I’m the closest to knowing what she’s feeling.

Rodrick wasn’t my father, thank fuck, but he did raise me for ten years. Ten very influential years and taking his life did a number on me, regardless of if I act like it or not.

Fourteen-year-old me tried to play it off for the guys, their parents, everyone else, but on the inside, I felt like the realm’s biggest monster. How could I feel perfectly fine for taking his life? The answer was simple. I didn’t feel fine. I hid it from everyone.

“May I join you?” I ask, walking up behind Willow.

“Of course you can,” she says sweetly, shooting me a small smile over her shoulder.

Rolling my pants legs up, I sink down on the ground beside her and let my feet kick back and forth in the water with hers. I don’t speak or try to crack a joke or do any of my typical ploys to make her smile or laugh. That’s not what’s needed right now.

“Are you okay?”

“Me?” I ask, shocked.

“Yes, you. You’re being awfully quiet,” she says with a small giggle.

The sound is still as sweet and mesmerizing as the first time I ever heard it. I’ll never grow tired of it for as long as we both shall live and I can’t help my small grin as I look down at her. How someone can be so selfless all the time is crazy to me, yet here she is. Facing threats, responsibilities, gifts out the ass, three of the four elements, and still, she’s worried about me because I’m being quiet.

“You’re not a monster, little wanderer,” I say softly, feeling guilty as the smile melts from her face and her bottom lip trembles.

I fear for a second that I’ve crossed a line when she looks away from me. Her far-off gaze stares over the pool and across the open green space like she’s looking for an answer opposite to what I just said.

“How can I not be when I feel so happy, so relieved that he’s dead? I don’t feel the slightest bit guilty that I just sentenced someone to death and barely blinked an eye about it. This was different than the people I’ve killed in the heat of a fight. They were trying to kill me. Or when I want to murder someone over one of you four. That’s me being protective. He was just sitting there with no other choice. And I don’t feel a lick of remorse over it. What does that say about me? Who I’ve become?”

The slow, lonely tear that tracks down her cheek breaks my heart, but I nod along even though she can’t see me doing that because I understand completely. I know exactly what she’s feeling.

“You know, little wanderer, when you told me ‘good for you’ after I told you how I killed Rodrick, that was the first time in fourteen years I didn’t feel like a monster.”

“What?” she asks, turning her head rapidly to look at me.

“I’ve always felt like I was really and truly the monster so many in the realm think I am. Not only was I the only dragon flying in the skies, but I could also breathe fire, and I was in the Nexus of royal heirs. It didn’t take people long to put together what I did to Rodrick.

“Momma Vito shut down all complaints and threats against me, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t hear it. I wasn’t completely shielded from the slurs and comments that I should be put down as if I were a rabid beast.” I pause, swallowing roughly.

“Draken…”

Shaking my head at her, I continue, “So many nights following that day, I cried myself to sleep, drowning in my guilt that came from not feeling guilty over what I did. Fuck, I felt like something was wrong with me. Being a monster was the only explanation because only a monster could kill someone and smile about it afterward. My mind warred with itself. Constantly. Finally, I just decided I was only going to be happy,cheery, nonstop. If I could prove to everyone else I wasn’t a monster, then I could convince myself.

“There were times I felt better on the inside, then we’d come back from a mission and the E.F. members would give me a wide berth, or they’d look at me in fear. I’d laugh and joke, smile on the outside while my resolve was crumbling on the inside. I soon realized, in everyone else’s eyes, I’m a monster no matter if I’m in skin or scales. They all knew a beast lived inside of me.

“After a while, I quit fully shifting at any mission, only resorting to partials. Still, nothing I did wiped the fear from anyone’s eyes. Aside from the guys. From the moment we met in those woods, they had my back no questions asked. Their parents of course needed to know the story of what happened, but it’s not like they told me what I did was okay. They told me I wasn’t in any trouble. You were the first person to ever tell me what I did was okay, it was justified.”

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