Page 45 of I Am Lioness

“My parents.”

“What about them?”

“They died.”

“Well, I know that. We discussed them already.”

She buried her face into my chest again. “Their death is my fault too.”

My blood was boiling. I wanted to scream, to shake her aggressively until she quit blaming herself for a natural part of life. Losing a loved one was excruciatingly painful, I understood that. I could not, however, wrap my head around what she believed to be the truth.

“It was not.” I muttered.

“It was.” She placed a finger over my lips before I could interject. “A year had passed since Tori’s death. I was majorly depressed, skipping school, my grades had gone to shit. My parents were trying to be understanding but they reached their limit when the guidance counselor called saying I might not be able to graduate. They were livid and for the first time ever, they grounded me. I was literally on lockdown. Still they had faith in me. They trusted me to follow the rules as I had always done before, and when their anniversary rolled around again, they went out for the night. So I snuck out. I called some friends to pick me up and left without a care in the world. Tori’s mom saw the car pull up in front of my house and me jump inside. Naturally she called my parents which cut their night short. They were on their way home, more than likely to sit in the living room and await my return, when they were hit head-on by a drunk driver. My mom died on impact and my dad was ejected from the car. He died in the ambulance on the way to hospital.”

Her body rattled in my arms and I knew the floodgates were about to burst once more.

“It's still not your fault, baby.”

“What do you mean?!” She shrieked, pushing away from me. “They were killed because of me! If I hadn't snuck out, they could have continued on with their night! Like Tori, they could have still been here today!”

I reached out and cupped her face in my hands. “You were not the drunk driver, Hazel. Yes, they were coming home based on a decision you made but you did not cause the accident. Just like you didn't force Tori to take those drugs or drink an obscene amount of alcohol. Their deaths are not your fault!”

Her eyes fell shut, tears steadily streaming down her face against my hands. “You don't get it…”

“Yes I do. Their deaths wrecked you as they would have done to me or anyone else who experienced such a great deal of loss. You can't hold yourself responsible though.”

“How can I not? And now Bernie’s dead too and it's my…”

“Don't you dare.” I snapped. “Don't you dare blame cardiac arrest on yourself. That is not logical or rational in the slightest. None of it is.”

Hazel continued to ramble on about how anyone could see that each death reverted to her in one way or another. My hands fell away from her face and I shot up to my feet, my vision clouded by a vivid red haze. I was at my wits end.

“Hazel…” I warned, on the brink of a nuclear explosion.

She kept on in a repetitive loop, the words spewing from her mouth with such deeply rooted self-loathing, I thought I was going to be sick.

Dropping down onto the bed, I willed myself to calm the fuck down before trying again, inhaling deep breaths through my nose and exhaling through my mouth.

“Hazel.” I finally said, in the calmest tone I could manage.

The word vomit continued.

I clenched my hands into fists. “Stop.”

She was blubbering unintelligibly now.

“Stop, just stop!” I roared, unable to hold it in any longer.

She froze with her mouth ajar, desolate brown eyes coming up to meet mine. We stared at each other in newfound silence for several minutes before I dared to open my mouth.

“It's obvious this is something we’re not ever going to agree on and now that I knowthisis the reason why you wanted to call it quits, I won't allow it. I'm not going to let you rip us apart.”

“D-don’t you see it’s better this way?” She stammered.

“Nothing about being apart is better. Not a damn thing.”

“Y-you getting to live your life is better.”

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