Page 46 of Raiden

I could take him in my mouth. I want to, but when I kiss down his chin and neck, he stops me, grasping my shoulders.

“I’ve got about a minute of self-control left. I want to be inside of you, El.”

“You would be.”

“Insideof you.”

I reach for the nightstand beside the bed and slide open the drawer. There’s a box of condoms in there. I hesitate, and he takes it the wrong way.

“Want inside you bare more than anything, but I can’t take chances with the consequences. Not when the club is far from secure, and our life is so dangerous. That’s no world for a child.”

“It’s complicated in other ways.” A child should have two parents who love each other. I made do with just my mom for the better part of my life, but there was always a part of me thatmissed my dad and wanted more of him than I was ever going to get.

That might be ideal, but it’s the ideal I’d like to strive for if I ever have a child of my own.

“Yes.”

My hand hovers over the box. I pick it up and pass it to Raiden and decide to give it to him straight. There’s no way I can do this again, open myself up again, make myself soft and defenseless, only to be crushed with accusations and hate.

I try to speak, but all that comes out is a whimper. I swallow brutally and try again, my mouth so dry it’s nearly impossible. Raiden’s eyes sweep to me, a condom paused in his fingers.

“Only if- if we can stay here. If you can.” I hated admitting that I was vulnerable, that I wanted to feel safe in his arms. I didn’t want us to have sex and then him leave—and leave me with my thoughts.

Something dark and painful lights up like twin flames in the dark depths of his eyes. The shadow of guilt looms large. “Until Gray calls church or until I’m needed, I’m not going anywhere.”

I caress his hand, taking the condom from him to tear it open. I’m the one who slides it down his hard length. He’s made a puddle all over his stomach from being on his back. While I was coming on his face, he was leaking all over himself because he was as into it as I was.

“I said I’d take anything, desire or hate, but I don’t want you to hate me. Ever.”

“I don’t hate you.” His hand covers mine on his throbbing cock. “I’m sorry. I’m fucking shit at saying those words. Shit at most other things too. You deserve so much better, and you got me instead. There’s worse in the club, but there’s a fuck of a lot better. I could have stepped aside, but from the second I saw you, I knew you were trouble, but you were the kind of trouble that I wanted formyself.”

That sears me like a brand. I forget what I’m doing as I regard his eyes, dark with sincerity. He’s not playing me. Not just saying this shit because he wants to get inside of me. Not saying it because he thinks it’s the right thing to say and not meaning a second of it.

“You don’t want to keep me,” I say, testing him in a teasing way to hide the real feeling behind it.

I bring my face to his and try to kiss him, but he turns and grasps my shoulders. “Ella. I mean it. You think I like that? That a man as ruined as I am, with my own demons, a club full of men that I’d die for and who would do the same for me in a second going to hell, most of it because of one man, would like to fall for that man’s daughter? I swear that for my first kill, I’d be more than happy to make it Zale Grand. I never saw you coming. We barely know each other, but I have that feeling in my gut that I can’t push away.”

“You did before.”

The words hit, leaving scars in their wake. “Never said I wasn’t an idiot.” He looks up at me, begging me to see the truth there. He’s barely voiced it to himself, but I do see that he believes fully in what he’s saying.

My hands curl against his shoulders, flexing instinctively away before I can grab hold of him. I don’t do things like cling.That’s the most appalling word I know. I’ve dated safe men. Men who would never hurt me, boring men, men who both objectified me and tried to get me to love them because they thought they were in their own version of that word with me. It never happened. They were safe for a reason.

My whole life was built around wildness and danger. My mom soaked it up, breathed it, lived on it, and spoon fed it to me. There was never any danger in falling for a safe man. They got the parts of me that I allowed them to have, which wasn’t much. When they finally figured out that I wasn’t the marrying type, was more than the white collar, scholarly version that they saw on the surface, and was somehow less than the spell of my alluring beauty, they left fast.

I never did anything to stop them.

“I told you once I was never going to belong to anyone,” I hiss through clenched teeth. My heart races, prey trying to figure out just who and what the predator is, or the midst of danger is the safest spot to be.

“You don’t have to belong to me. In the future, you might want to make a home here in Hart.” He pauses, a flash of that prey running scared on his face. The next words are a growl, scary and deep because they’re drenched with emotion. “I might want you to.”

“But you don’t want to want that.”

“I didn’t. I- don’t know. Shit’s twisted up in my head. I’m not eloquent like you. I have the words in there, the thoughts, but they’re all banging into each other.”

“Brain pinball. Sounds hot.”

He ignores my attempt at a joke. “You saying you don’t want to stay?”

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