Page 45 of The Southern Thirst Trap

“Can you come back to play again, Zan Man?” Hendricks asks, stopping next to my chair on his way around the table. “I had fun with you today.”

Fuck. What is this feeling in my chest? It’s warm and fuzzy and my brothers would have a field day if they knew how high the words of this four-year-old just got me. It feels like falling out of the sky, the adrenaline rush pushing every last thought out of my head except for yes, that’s exactly what I want, to be a part of this boy’s life. I look up at Harlowe, a smile freezing on my face when I see the stricken look on hers. She catches me looking and immediately averts her gaze as she gets up, clearing the table with hurried movements.

“I had fun with you too, Boss. You just let your mom know when you want me to stop by and she can call me, okay? I know you’re probably pretty busy, but we can try to make our schedules work, because this was the best night I’ve had in a long time.” I look up at Harlowe when I say that, and catch her eyes with mine. I mean it, and I want her to feel the utter sincerity in the sentiment.

Hendricks puts his arms up and captures my attention again. I turn and scoop him up into my chest and let him hug me around the neck. I tentatively wrap my arms around his little body, so fragile and small, taking the affection and reveling in the feeling of something so innocent, so pure, wanting to hold me. Soon, Hendricks is wiggling, and I set him down so he can hug and kiss Harlowe before following Lily to the back of the house.

I stand from the table, gathering dishes and walking them to the kitchen where Harlowe is already loading the dishwasher. I set the stack of plates on the counter and walk up behind her, my hands flattening on either side of the sink, boxing her in with my body, ensuring she knows I want to be here, making her feel every part of me so she can’t escape this time.

“That went better than I hoped,” I say quietly, my breath moving the hair around her face from our closeness. It’s still not close enough. I want to be inside of her, our bodies pressed together along every line, every limb entwined.

She sets down the glass she was rinsing in the sink and turns off the water. I feel her take a deep breath before she responds. “Hendricks seems to like you. And you…you’re actually really good with him.”

Hearing her say that eases some of the tension in me that stems from thinking I’d be a huge fuck up. I wrap one arm around her waist and pull her tight against me. “Of course I am,” I say, putting bravado into my tone that belies the nerves I’d experienced when he blew into the house and I was confronted with the consequences of one night and the unintended agony I’d caused in the aftermath. “I’m good at everything I do.” That last part is growled just a hair from her ear, and she shivers.

“Zander, stop.” Harlowe’s words are a quiet plea without the warmth I would have expected from my proximity.

I step away from her, giving her space before she can ask for it. I know I’m treading on thin ice, only here because she allowed me, and despite being desperate to rush in and take everything I want, including her, I have to play this smart.

“What can I do, Lowe?”

She turns, her hand resting at the base of her throat, fingers spread like she’s keeping herself from speaking, or holding herself back. A pained expression crosses her face and she looks down for a beat before her eyes meet mine. The pain and struggle I see mirrored in her gorgeous, fathomless chocolate eyes nearly brings me to my knees. What the fuck did I do now to putthatlook there?

“I need to be able to trust you. I can’t let you into Hendricks’s life on a whim, or for some passing fancy, you have that drives you on your quest to try new things. If you’re serious about being here for him, you have to prove it.”

She steps toward me, her finger outstretched, accusing me of the very things that have been my rules in the past. I let her come closer and feel my muscles tense and ache as I barely keep from touching her, knowing this is what she needs from me. To listen to her, hear the words she is saying, and take them seriously.

“You can’t get bored at playing a father, and you can’t fucking pull away from him if you’re over the cute bonding moments and life gets real. He deserves someone steadfast and strong enough to be there when it’s not fun. He needs a father who will be able to tell him no as often as yes, to make sure he learns balance and restraint. He needs someone who won’t walk away when he’s throwing a tantrum, or whining, or being a little shit, because he’s akid, Zander. He will have his bad days when he’s less likable, but he will need you to love him despite it.”

Her words convey four years of experience. Hard-won truths she’s discovered because she had to. Harlowe never had the option to turn away from the little boy who needs her so much, not even when, as she says, he is less likable. I’m jealous of her experience and the way she knows him. But I fucking brought that on myself. Now I have to live with that truth just as much as the fact that I will never get the last four years of his firsts back. The first smile, first word, and first steps will never be mine. Harlowe got all of those because I couldn’t find it in me to break from my rules, not even when I knew I had something special, because it fucking scared me.

I’ve been a real piece of shit.

And now I’m here because my brothers want me to man up and do the right thing, and bring up the public perception of our company, while I’m at it. I still don’t have the best motives, despite my desire to have a relationship with Hendricks, and see where Harlowe and I can find our second chance in the process. No wonder she’s being hesitant and untrusting. I’ve never given her any reason to trust me, only the opposite.

“I can’t promise to be perfect,” I say, running a hand through my hair and considering the effect my words may have on her. “But I’m here because I want to be a part of that little boy’s life more than anything. And I want to be a part of yours. Let’s try this, Lowe.”

“That’s the thing, Zander. This isn’t something you can just try.” Her eyes are sad, like she’s already written off any attempts I could make. “You’re either in, or you’re not. That’s the kind of person Hendricks deserves. That I deserve, too.”

I don't know if I can say the words she’s looking for, because I don’t know what they are, and I’m not sure they would be true. All I can do is give her everything she deserves, and it starts with me turning over a new leaf. I have to figure out how to be a better man.

I reach out and cup the back of her head, pulling her close and kissing her forehead gently before releasing her. “Thank you for letting me in tonight. Thank you for everything. Goodnight, Lowe.” Before the worst parts of me can be swayed by the closeness of her body and all I want to do with it, I walk out of that warm, comfortable house, with the beautiful little family I want so fucking badly to be mine.

twenty-six

Zander

“Hello,littlePaige,thisis some event,” I say, slinging an arm around my sister-in-law’s shoulders as I look around the swanky event space of the gala she’s hosting for her foundation, The Elysium Garden Project. The foundation is a combination of a community garden and the Big Brothers, Big Sisters program with a business focus. It feeds inner-city communities while teaching business skills, or so that’s the idea she and my brother came up with.

“Well, hello to you too, Zander,” she says, peering up at me. “Glad you could make it. What, no date? I gave you a plus one if you wanted it. I figured you’d bring one of your models with you.” She purses her bright red lips and scans the area as if one will magically materialize.

“Stop touching my wife before I break your arm,” Hayes growls, appearing as if summoned by the mere presence of another man too close to his lady. He forces himself between me and Paige, wrapping a possessive arm around her waist, displacing me entirely.

I gracefully side-step away to avoid the very real threat. One wrong word and his big, meaty hand will be around my throat, and I prefer breathing without a collapsed trachea.

“Rub salt in the wound your wife was just inflicting, why don’t you, Hater.” I turn back to Paige. “No date. There’s only one woman I’d want on my arm and she’s not too interested at the moment, but I’m working on it,” I say with more candor than I’ve ever used around them. New man, new me, and all that bullshit. I guess I have to live it even when I’m not around Harlowe.

Paige gapes at me before a huge smile lights her face. “Wait, what? You, Mr. No Attachments, have lost your mind over a woman? I love this so much! I need all the details!” She hugs Hayes, and he looks down at her with an affectionate smile that we never see from him in the office. He only glowers at us. Rude.

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