Page 59 of The Photograph

A small smile curves over my mouth. “Fair enough.”

Biting his lip, he looks out of the window at the city lights.

“So you’re part of the Sachs dynasty?” I say.

He nods. “But … I’m sorry, Des, I’ve never thought it was that big of a deal. We talked about my family: We’re not swimming in money. And I use a different name because I’m not out, not because of some phony family reason.”

But then why didn’t he tellme? Tell me his real surname, tell me about this Tom guy? I talked to him about George, took him to meet him. Everything seemed so above board, sostraight. I told Alex that I appreciated his honesty after all the bullshit. And he didn’t say a word. My stomach churns. Maybe he wanted to keep it all on the down low? And I’ve done that myself. If I’m honest, this kind of drama is way down on the list of exciting things that have happened to me in the gay community. Ugh.

“Makes sense,” I say. But do how much I trust him now? What Tom described about cutting him off sounds brutal.

“I’m not sure you really think that,” Alex says.

When I run my hands through my hair, my scalp is damp. “It just feels so weird that I didn’t know …”

“I’m sorry, Des.” His fingers tremble slightly as he rubs a hand down the leg of his pants.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“To be honest, I’ve felt a bit overwhelmed being with you. And what happened to Tom is awful: I’m ashamed of how it all went down.”

He’soverwhelmed? “What did he mean when he said, ‘He’ll dump you after six months’?”

I can’t square Tom’s comments about Alex cutting him off with how Alex is with me. In my mind, Alex is the guy who wants to go slow and enjoy everything we do with each other. The sweet, shy guy I meet up with every other day. What is real here? A storm builds in my gut.

“It lasted six months.” Alex holds up his hand. “I didn’tdumphim. We spent a lot of time together last summer meeting up in the city. Having something with another man … I was terrified and so it was casual at first; we were friends and then it became more. Kissing and … I was confused about my own sexuality and didn’t take it seriously.” He chews his lip. “Maybe I was starting to think I was bisexual? But I wasn’t gay. Whereas he was sure he was, and had been for a long time.”

This sounds like some horrible echo of my relationship with Alex.

“The fallout was bad for him. I get it. I get why he’s bitter. I get why he hates me.”

What it would be like to be disowned by someone you were once close to? How would I feel if Alex cutmeoff? Cold fingers creep up my spine.

“But he’s yourcousin? Your family don’t know, do they? They’re lining up candidates for you to marry.”

Alex winces. “It was a mess. There was a big showdown. Both our parents found out. The fact he was my cousin was a huge issue, too. I played it down with Mom and Dad, told them that it was something stupid we’d done with each other. Rachel, my sister, waded in and supported me. She made it sound like a silly experiment, that it was nothing to get excited about. They were so horrified, they were happy to sweep it all under the carpet. Dad’s anger felt overwhelming when I was so scared and uncertain about what I felt …” He twists his fingers together.“Tom didn’t downplay it with his family. Before our relationship, when he was at college, he was out to everyone but his mom and dad. He’d known for so long I think he was close to exploding keeping it from them. But they went ballistic.”

“You said you were bisexual when we met. Was that true then or …?”

Alex closes his eyes. “I hate that you’re now going to question everything I’ve told you. That you think I’ve lied about things.”

My eyebrows rise up. “Alex, there’s so much lying going on here.”

“I’m quite an honest person, Des,” he says, then laughs harshly. “How stupid do I sound? I lie to my family all the time. When you’re hiding who you are you’re lying all the time to everyone.”

A tremor laces through his voice as he rubs a distracted hand up and down his arm. And I understand where this comment is coming from. It’s true that, even in the normal run of things, when you not out, you’re always watchful, always covering yourself, always concealing facts about your life. But where does omission cross the line into lies?

“I really regret what happened to Tom, but my relationship with him didn’t feel like such a big deal, to be honest. God, I sound so naïve.”

And maybe on one level, it wasn’t. Is George a big deal to me? He was once.

But there are all these other parts of his life that Alex has swept under the carpet: his family, the synagogue. He says we’ve talked about his family, but we haven’t, not really. I’ve asked a few questions and he’s given me a few basics. And not telling me more keeps me at arm’s length. It hides people like Tom, whole areas of his day-to-day that I know nothing about. His friends are a mystery to me. And no one knows about me and who I amto Alex. Will that ever change? He says he’s naïve, but how naïve have I been here?

“Anyway, no, I wasn’t lying about being bisexual. I had a relationship with Tom, and there were girls at college before I met you. But how could I have done all this with you and not know that I’m gay?”

My mouth drops open. He’s given no hint up to now of how he views our relationship. And his sexuality? He’s talked about how he’s not into women, talked about how he was too skinny for a gay guy, and that I’m his boyfriend, but nothing he’s said before has ever carried the conviction of these words. Somehow this feels like a big admission.

“You’re sure now?”

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