Page 102 of The Photograph

Groaning, I say, “This is not even the whole story. Mom and Dad invited the Silverman family around for dinner, with the obvious intention of lining me up with their eldest daughter, Amalia. They had clearly discussed it with the Silvermans. Then my mom said Amalia would give up her place at Princeton if I was interested, something she’s spent years working for. I was so horrified, Nana, I can’t tell you. I argued with Mom and left. Then I called Amalia and told her I was gay and she was very nice about it. Going back to Des’s wasn’t really an option, so I came here.”

Nana tuts. “Why couldn’t you go back to Des’s?”

“He isn’t answering my calls. I haven’t heard from him in two days. He said my father would never come round.”

“Yes, well that’s likely true. Your father never compromised, even when he was a boy.” A worried frown creases her brow.

“Des must be totally fed up with all my fumbling missteps. You saw him, Nana. A lot of guys like him. He’s so gorgeous, I still can’t really believe he’s interested in me,” I say.

She tuts. “That doesn’t sound like the Des I met. I met a very emotional young man who looked at my grandson like he adored him.”

My whole chest tightens.

“He’s probably feeling rejected,” she adds.

“Oh, I don’t think so, Nana. He seems pretty bulletproof to me.”

Nana shakes her head at me, like I have no idea what I’m talking about. “What does that even mean, Alex? How would you feel if you’d rescued some young man from his family and then he went back to them after you’d helped him?”

She’s got a point. The expression on his face when I made that stupid comment about Grindr. How he exploded at me a couple of times. How the sex felt two days ago … less bare than it normally does. Like he was holding something back, like I’d lost something precious.What have I done?In the desire to do right by my family, have I damaged the best thing that’s ever happened to me?

And I can’t believe how Nana views her own son. How long has she kept quiet? Why intervene now?

“You’re not going to be able to reconcile it all, Alex. Don’t lose something good trying to placate your father,” she says. “He’s never going to be a happy man.”

41

DES

The sickness I’ve been pushing down since The Brass Monkey last night is like a huge wave battering against a dam. And I’m not sure whether it’s too much alcohol or the ache in my heart. The news on my phone is all politics and talk of the latest tech bubble, but I can’t stop flipping back to Facebook to scroll through the photographs of Alex. I’m furious and devastated all at once. I need to construct a fortress around myself in a way I’ve never had to before. He bulldozed into my life, oblivious, and took me apart, piece by piece. How am I going to put myself back together? I don’t know what’s truth and what’s lies anymore.

I thought we had an understanding. All those long heart-to-hearts and warm evenings spent pressed into him watching TV. Blinking rapidly, I look away from my phone and press my lips together. I was going to help him navigate all this, navigate coming out. But it was like he took one step outside the prison walls, looked around, didn’t like what he saw, and stepped straight back inside. He’s called and messaged me, but I don’t want to have another of those Alex conversations about how he has to catch his train, or reminding me he’s bisexual, or that hemet me on Grindr, or any one of another hundred tiny cuts that flail my skin. Nobody told me falling in love would feel this bad, like I’m on the edge of a diving board every day, jumping off time and time again into freezing water. He was the perfect person for me and I can hardly bear it. Goddammit, escaping to Korea is beginning to sound reasonable.

At this early hour, the office is empty apart from Jo, swamped by her chair, stomach huge against her small frame. All over again I’m impressed by what women pull off every damn day. They give birth to children and manage to be on top of everything else as well. I walk around to her side of the three desks in the corner that she, James and I sit in, and lean over to kiss her cheek.

“How are you doing?” I say.

She blinks up at me. “Good thanks.” She rests a hand on her stomach. “How are things with you?”

I make a face at her, and she tilts her head.

“You know I was seeing that guy?”

“Ankle guy?”

“Yeah. Alex. Well, it didn’t work out.”

She purses her lips and makes a sad face. “I’m sorry, Des, that doesn’t sound like fun.”

Sighing, I run a hand over my head. If she asks me about it, I might spill my sorrows all over the desk, so I change the subject.

“What do you make of James and Jane splitting up?” I say.

“God, I hope he’s okay.” She chews her cheek. “They were perfect together. People are idiots sometimes. I don’t think Jane could find a better man.”

I’d like to think I was Alex’s better man, but he chose his family over, well, everything. “Tell me about it.”

Letting out a deep sigh, she says, “James volunteered to go to Korea, but we need him here really.” She spreads her hands out.“I’ll be off on maternity leave soon and someone needs to run the business.”

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