Page 46 of Essence of his Soul

"Mark, please be serious. We need to talk," I said, my voice trembling slightly as I looked away, unable to meet his powerful golden gaze. "Tyler is becoming attached to you."

His look was intense, and when he spoke quietly, all the teasing was gone from his voice and expression. "He should. I’m his father. Would you rather he be frightened of me like he is with your boyfriend?"

"He’s not afraid of Malcolm," I countered, though a part of me wasn’t so sure. "Tyler just preferred to be around you today. He acted the same way with me." I was thinking about what was best for my son. "The problem is, what will happen when you leave? How do you think that’s going to affect him? One day, you’re here, and the next, you’re gone."

"Who said I’m going anywhere?" he shot back, his tone challenging. I braced my hands on my hips, trying to steady myself.

"We both know you must report to Ft. Meade after the holidays."

"I plan to still be around. Tyler is my son. And if you’d stop being so stubborn, you’d see reason and marry me."

"I wish you’d get it through your thick skull—I am not marrying you." Mark stared down at me for what felt like an eternity, his eyes narrowing as if he was trying to pull out the truth I wasn’t ready to reveal. The intensity of his gaze sent a shiver through me, making my pulse quicken. I hated that he could still do that to me, even after everything we’d been through.

“What are you so afraid of? That I won’t love you? Or that maybe, just maybe, you’re still in love with me and won’t admit it?”

My breath caught in my throat. I forced myself to hold his gaze, even though it felt like standing on the edge of a cliff, the ground crumbling beneath me. “This isn’t about fear,” I said, trying to steady my voice despite my heart racing. “It’s about what’s right for Tyler. And for me.”

I stepped back, needing the physical distance as much as the emotional one. The tension between us was thick, almost suffocating, and I needed to clear my head. “You think you can just walk back into my life after two years and pick up where we left off? It doesn’t work that way, Mark. We’re not the same people we were back then.”

He sighed, running a hand through his hair, a gesture I’d seen a thousand times when he was frustrated. “You’re right; we’re not the same. But that doesn’t mean we can’t make this work. Tyler deserves to have both of his parents in his life. Under the same roof.”

“Not if that roof is built on a lie,” I snapped back, the words spilling out before I could stop them. “You’re offering marriage out of obligation, not love. And I won’t settle for that, Mark. I deserve more, and so does Tyler.”

Mark’s expression softened, and I thought I saw a brief flicker of vulnerability in his eyes. He stepped closer, closing the gap between us, his voice dropping to a whisper. “Essence, I’m not asking you to settle. I’m asking you to take a chance on our family. I don’t have all the answers, but I know what I feel with you and Tyler. It’s real, and it’s worth fighting for.”

I wanted so badly to believe him, to let those words wrap around me like a warm blanket, but the fear of being hurt again was like a vice around my heart. It squeezed tighter, making it hard to breathe. “I don’t know if I can do this, Mark,” Iwhispered, my voice trembling.

He reached out, his hand hovering just above my cheek, but he hesitated and then let it drop. “I’m not going to force you into anything you’re not ready for, but I’m not giving up on us, either. I’ll prove this isn’t just about duty or obligation. I want us to be a family, Essence. A real one.”

His sincerity and the raw emotion behind his voice shook me to my core. But I couldn’t let myself hope—not yet. “You should go,” I said, turning away before he could see the tears that had finally slipped free.

There was a long, heavy pause, and I could feel his eyes on my back, like a weight I couldn’t shake. Finally, he let out a slow breath, the sound full of unspoken promises and lingering tension. “I’ll give you some space, but this conversation isn’t over.”

I nodded, my throat too tight to speak, and listened as he walked to the door. When it closed behind him, the silence that followed was deafening. I sank onto the sofa, my hands trembling as I buried my face in them.

What was I going to do? My heart was tangled in knots, torn between the safety of the life I had built without him and the undeniable pull of the life Mark was offering. A life that, deep down, I knew I still wanted but was too scared to reach for.

* * *

I stormed into my parents' house, slamming the door behind me like it owed me money. The sound echoed through the quiet hallway, competing with the soft strains of Christmas music from the living room. But even the festive atmosphere—the scent of cinnamon and pine, the twinkling lights framing the windows—did nothing to cool the fire raging inside me. I was too heated, too pissed off to sit still, so I started pacing the living room like a caged lion, trying to make sense of the mess that was mylife right now. Essence—stubborn, fine as hell, driving-me-crazy Essence—had me twisted up in knots.

The family room was decked out for the holidays. A tall, perfectly decorated artificial Christmas tree stood in the corner, its multicolored lights blinking in sync with the music. The mantle was lined with stockings, each embroidered with our names, and a garland of holly and pinecones draped over it, adding to the cozy vibe that should’ve been calming but wasn’t. Kelly, always too observant for her own good, was lounging on the sofa, arms crossed like she was waiting for this moment. She had that look only a little sister can give when she knows you’re about to blow. A half-decorated wreath sat beside her, forgotten as she watched me with a raised eyebrow.

“You look like you’re about to lose it,” she said, cutting through my thoughts like a hot knife through butter.

I gave her a hard stare. “What are you doing here?”

She shrugged, unfazed by my tone. “I was up in the attic bringing down more Christmas decorations so I can help Mama decorate the dining room tomorrow. Since it’s snowing outside, I decided to crash here tonight.”

I glanced into the dining room at the boxes stacked along the wall, trying to distract my mind from the frustration.

“What’s got you so pissed?”

“I’m beyond pissed, Kel,” I shot back, still pacing, trying to work off the frustration that was damn near choking me. “I’m offering her everything I’ve got, and it’s still not enough. What the hell more does she want from me?”

Kelly sighed, shaking her head like she’d seen this train wreck coming from a mile away. “Mark, I told you, Essence isn’t like those chick-heads you like to date. She’s not the type to settle for a marriage that doesn’t have love at its core. You can’t just package it up nice and pretty with a bow and call itfamily,for Tyler’s sake. She’s not wired like that.”

I stopped pacing and glared at her, fists clenched like I was ready to throw down. The sight of the holiday decorations and the warmth and comfort they brought only added to the tension building inside me. “You think I don’t know that? But what am I supposed to do? Just let her keep dating some clown named Malcolm?”

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